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Low Point

#1
Like many folks with depression and anxiety , I have very real, complex, ongoing problems that cannot easily be solved ( health / family).

my depression reached an ultimate low several years ago and I was not really living any kind of healthy life. I was suicidal every day. I was convinced everyone around me could tell. But no one could. Eventually my husband left me, seeking actual fun in his life.

I spent the subsequent weeks showing up where I was needed and then coming home to be alone in bed all Day. I had some realizations about how miserable I was. I apologized.

My husband came back but not after doing real damage along the way. This time is real blurry for me. I was on a path to healing , acceptance and was willing to take blame. So was my husband but he was still seeking things outside the marriage. We began a long path back together than resulted in marriage therapy and three steps back before we made one solid step forward.

Years have passed and although they’ve been good, I recently have had all the same signs of decline as before. I am panicky, unable to cope, isolated, exhausted. I have all the same original issues as those are stable problems . Lately things have been going wrong with other things too in a big way. For example I will soon have to move into temporary housing - which has extreme negative impacts to my finances and work situation. My husband is on sick leave due to a major injury leaving me to physically pack, move and financially cover all expenses. I also just mentally cannot take it right now.

I’ve tried to do the right thing this time by communicating to my husband. Instead of isolating, I’ve expressed that I’m scared for myself and want to protect my sanity. I’ve expressed that I simply cannot deal with our upcoming housing ambiguity right now and that it’s making me feel backed into a corner. He has not reacted well. He has told me I’m being a baby and that I have to deal with it. He’s told me that if I mention suicide or feeling hopeless he will call the police or my sick parents , who are not in any position to deal with it.

After telling him several times, he’s made it clear that any more of this talk from me will result in unpleasant circumstances. I now feel
Worse and more alone. He’s right about me being a baby. It’s my life and I need to deal with it. But a piece of me feels horrified that his reaction has really been devoid of any love or care. It’s basically threats to escalate.I realize I have triggered old feelings by saying this stuff. I feel obviously more alone and more backed into a corner.

I don’t want to be this way but I am. I am struggling to do things and each day just want to escape. I find myself crying over sweet songs or cute videos, craving real connection. I feel panicked by my upcoming living situation. I feel unable to do or say things I need to at home.

what should I do? My marriage is fragile but the only thing holding me to any normalcy. I’ve tried several therapists recently but with COVID they have either stopped responding to my emails or aren’t taking new patients. I’m taking it one day at a time, working ten hour days, showing up for family. But I feel so lost. I can’t tell if my concerns are valid or if I’m overreacting like my husband says.I have no one to sit and talk it through with me.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#2
Like many folks with depression and anxiety , I have very real, complex, ongoing problems that cannot easily be solved ( health / family).

my depression reached an ultimate low several years ago and I was not really living any kind of healthy life. I was suicidal every day. I was convinced everyone around me could tell. But no one could. Eventually my husband left me, seeking actual fun in his life.

I spent the subsequent weeks showing up where I was needed and then coming home to be alone in bed all Day. I had some realizations about how miserable I was. I apologized.

My husband came back but not after doing real damage along the way. This time is real blurry for me. I was on a path to healing , acceptance and was willing to take blame. So was my husband but he was still seeking things outside the marriage. We began a long path back together than resulted in marriage therapy and three steps back before we made one solid step forward.

Years have passed and although they’ve been good, I recently have had all the same signs of decline as before. I am panicky, unable to cope, isolated, exhausted. I have all the same original issues as those are stable problems . Lately things have been going wrong with other things too in a big way. For example I will soon have to move into temporary housing - which has extreme negative impacts to my finances and work situation. My husband is on sick leave due to a major injury leaving me to physically pack, move and financially cover all expenses. I also just mentally cannot take it right now.

I’ve tried to do the right thing this time by communicating to my husband. Instead of isolating, I’ve expressed that I’m scared for myself and want to protect my sanity. I’ve expressed that I simply cannot deal with our upcoming housing ambiguity right now and that it’s making me feel backed into a corner. He has not reacted well. He has told me I’m being a baby and that I have to deal with it. He’s told me that if I mention suicide or feeling hopeless he will call the police or my sick parents , who are not in any position to deal with it.

After telling him several times, he’s made it clear that any more of this talk from me will result in unpleasant circumstances. I now feel
Worse and more alone. He’s right about me being a baby. It’s my life and I need to deal with it. But a piece of me feels horrified that his reaction has really been devoid of any love or care. It’s basically threats to escalate.I realize I have triggered old feelings by saying this stuff. I feel obviously more alone and more backed into a corner.

I don’t want to be this way but I am. I am struggling to do things and each day just want to escape. I find myself crying over sweet songs or cute videos, craving real connection. I feel panicked by my upcoming living situation. I feel unable to do or say things I need to at home.

what should I do? My marriage is fragile but the only thing holding me to any normalcy. I’ve tried several therapists recently but with COVID they have either stopped responding to my emails or aren’t taking new patients. I’m taking it one day at a time, working ten hour days, showing up for family. But I feel so lost. I can’t tell if my concerns are valid or if I’m overreacting like my husband says.I have no one to sit and talk it through with me.
I am glad you have found this group, it has a large number of supportive and caring people to connect with. Thank you for sharing all that you have here, it will be respected. There's so much change happening in your world, please share here whatever you need to on any day. I'm sorry you are feeling so lost right now and not getting the connection you need with your husband. I can't tell if it's just you and your husband or if there are children in your home as well.
It sounds like you are doing the best that you can, including long hours at work and more. The word baby doesn't really apply....you are feeling what you are feeling and you have a right to feel any and all of it. It's horrible to feel backed into a corner.
Is there any way to continue to search for a therapist if that is what you are wanting to have? Being alone, it would probably be a real positive for you. Keep sharing here, we will seriously listen.
Hugs*hug10*console
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#3
He has told me I’m being a baby and that I have to deal with it.
Everyone needs security in their life; anxiety over lack of security is not being a baby. I hope that you continue talking on the forum and telling us how things are going. We care about you and wish you the best. *hug10
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#4
Hey @Cbegto I'm sorry your husband has threatened to call police if you mention suicide. I think that word scares some people when they hear it, and they don't know how to handle it. I'm sorry your husband calls you a baby. You are not being a baby. You're in pain, and you need connection. That's why I'm glad you found us. You'll always have a place here to share your feelings and thoughts. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here. Here we do not judge. After all we're in the same boat, and we understand the pain you are suffering.
 

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