Lowest I've been in a while

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ExtraSoap, May 14, 2012.

  1. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    Yeah, so it turns out that I probably had the worst day ever. By the last class of the day I was almost crying. The loneliness just took over and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Since no one seems to read my posts anyway, I'll just describe what brought it on and the rest of my day. So everything was just peachy until 2nd period, Chemistry, when my friend and I, being the slackers we are, were screwing around in the back of the class during a lab. So we're laughing and having a good time, and I glance over to a very good-looking girl, who is sitting with her back facing me and my friend on a stool. And, being the forever alone that I am, glance at her rear end, to notice that her skirt, when pressed against her skin, was see-through. Now, I inwardly flip a shit at this, because the girl is easily one of the most good-looking in my school, but my friend is unfazed. This is what he tells me: "It's not that big of a deal because I see (his girlfriend) like that all the time." Now, that was like a punch in the gut for me. He knows that I've never even been kissed, and that I'm not very happy with it, and he goes and shoves that in my face. Thanks man, you just fucked up the rest of my day. So now I have another 45 minutes of chemistry with the girl across from me still in the same position, but now whenever I look, all I feel is anger. I legitimately wanted to smash my face against the table, but that would not be socially acceptable. So now I just pretend everything is fine and continue not doing any work with my friend. Bell rings, spanish time, and he goes off with his girlfriend to his next class. I walk into spanish and all I can think about is how incredibly lonely I am. I drift through spanish, get to study hall where I just sit on my laptop going through threads on SF. Lunch, band, where I screw up a rather important part in one of the songs, history, and then algebra 2. Now, in algebra 2 is the aforementioned girl along with about 3 other girls in that group, all of them gorgeous. One of them emotionally destroyed me in 6th grade (unintentionally, long story), which I think led to all the shit I have to deal with now. She's the most good-looking out of the group, and she sits right next to me. So naturally I sneak a glance every now and again because I am just a perverted, sick fuck. But today, whenever I looked at her I once again wanted to smash my face into my desk until I knocked myself out. I felt so infuriated with the fact that she could be so close but I would never, ever, get to know her more than asking what the homework was. I asked to be excused to the bathroom, where I went into a stall, sat down, and slammed my head into my knee as to not make any noise while I was crying. I just feel so alone, no real friends, no girlfriend, never even been kissed. I went back to class, and as I sat down she got up, turning towards me and I glanced over and next thing I know I'm looking up her skirt. Once again; I'm a sick, perverted fuck. I almost start crying again. I was hit with a tidal wave of deep depression, and I was stuck between being infuriated and so incredibly sad at the same time. I don't even know why, I think it's because I want a relationship so badly that whenever I see something like that, all I can think of is how I can't get that far. Fuck I'm pathetic.
  2. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    I don't think your pathetic. I can understand the lonely part, my best friend moved away and found herself a new bestie, and I don't mean this in a haha that's funny but a that's funny coincidence that I used to feel the same way as you. I've only ever had 2 boyfriends, whereas most people I've known have had way more than me. I'm not gonna say that yes it will definitely get better, but it got better for me, I'm sure it'll get better for you :) you seem like a smart kid and shit happens. I don't feel like I'm really getting at anything so I guess I just wanted to say hope your day got better and hope that things start looking up for you. I'm not on often but if you ever need someone to rant at feel free to send a message my way :)