Lucky but can't appreciate it

[Lucky]

I have an amazing group of friends who support and understand me, yet I can't seem to love myself! I constantly feel guilty for being me! I know that I am lucky for having a supportive family and a great group of friends, yet I have no self worth. I can put on a show and be the joker of the pack yet when it comes to meeting women I give up before I give myself a chance, and when I'm on my own I wonder what purpose I have on this earth. Ironicallly I know what qualites I have, in the sense that I am caring, intelligent, and understaing, which my friends and family identify, yet I struggle to find the confidence to truly believe it myself.
I know why I am like this, tracing back to my early school years when I was bulllied, as far back as when I was 6 or 7 and carried on until I left University. I have been through deep depression and I am proud to the say that I came through it, kicking the dependency on anti-depressants. I should be grateful yet every time I am on my own I question what purpose I have to general existance. Even through the dark times, the overrinding factor for staying alive has been the love I have for my family and friends, yet I wonder is that enough in the greater scheme of things, and as I approach 30 I feel that the walls of time are closing in on me and I will never find a parter or be financially secure to fully enjoy life.

I understand that others on this forum have far greater problems than I, but sometimes my meanial problems are enough to cause me to question my worth and the guilt of mot fiitting into societies norms make me want to opt out, mixed with the guilt of leaving the ones I love behind.

Sorry

 

[pain_no_more]

hello...

i can a bit relate to you as I had evrything to feel good , before I got really depressed and suicidial. friends, social life, an amazing bf, a supportive family.

family still remains. ive been suffering from the losses of what listed below, the only thing that is keeping me a bit alive is to think that if I pass away, my father wont wake up. its keeping me from going "all the way" though ive had the feeling that its getting worse and worse and that even my family love cant complete my failures. i dont mean to put you down by telling you that, just saying that I can partly relate on this and that you shouldnt make the same mistakes I did such as letting depression swallow your social life. they were so important to me. but yeah i know that theres a huge gap between thinking and doing. anyway, feel free to pm anytime you want.

hugs.

 

[Beret]

Hun i understand you too well. Have a very supporting family myself, a boyfriend who gives me everything but i will never stand up to their standards My family gives me financial security, and im like WTF, im too old always wasting their money. But self hatred makes it very difficult for me to cope with it. Youre lucky that you have supporting family and friend, perhaps it takes a bit of pretending to make yourselves feeling better??
Please take care, were here for you :hug:
Beret