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Lying to hide problems?

cots

Well-Known Member
#1
Is it common for people with suicidal thoughts to start lying to people around them?

Met a friend today and found myself cooking up 101 excuses and lies to hide my problems from her.

I obviously look and seem shifty and I'm now concerned that she'll think I'm weird.

I just didn't see a need in letting her know the problems I face. In fact, I am ashamed of my problems. Why can't I just be normal?

I actually feel exhausted rn because of all that lying. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. Perhaps I'm just trying to find someone who can relate. Thanks for reading.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#2
Maybe it is common ,but theres no malice to it ,,we are terrified of rejection .if theres depression this will add stress and guilt to your feelings .
I come on this site and express myself but i still feel like im hiding a big secret from people close to me .
Ive a history of oversharing and its actually been used to attack me ,i deeply regret it .it wasnt to do with suicidal thoughts ,but being vulnerable was used directly to attack my character after i tried to help .Ive heard they deeply regret what was said but the damage was done and cant be reversed ,there in my family network .

Brene brown says "you have to earn my confidence",,if you deeply trust this friend and its eating you up ,start off with saying you dont feel great .
You are already ashamed so it could make you feel worse if the reaction isnt what you want ,its ok to stick to general discussion and keep assessing the situation .
Peace.
 

Sunday16

SF Supporter
#3
I can relate. I don't think you should feel badly for not sharing your problems with your friend, I think many of us do the same and here's why. People don't like messy because they don't know what to do with messy. Most of us have been raised to believe that when someone comes to us with a problem, we have to fix it, we have to have the right answer, or provide sound advice. Most people don't know how to just sit and listen, to empathize, and just be there for support. So, my experience has been that sharing problems, even with someone who cares, is extremely difficult and uncomfortable, and can even make the problem feel worse.

Having said that, I've also found that sharing with the right person can make us feel better. Talking can heal and help us make some sense of our situation. So don't feel obligated to share if you don't feel comfortable. You're under no obligation to tell your friend anything, no matter what they say. You know what's right for you, trust yourself, and please feel free to share whenever you are ready.
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#5
I don't know how common it is but I don't tell anyone how I am. No-one in my real every day life knows and never have -and probably never will. I'm not exactly sure why I can't tell them - just that I have to hide it from everyone. I haven't even told a doctor for the same reason. Not sure if that helps but you're not alone in keeping things like this from people.
 

cots

Well-Known Member
#6
Thank you for the kind replies.

@LOSTINSIGHT it's ok, no need to apologise at all :) thanks for sharing and yes I think it's mostly the fear of feeling vulnerable that's keeping me from telling people how miserable I really am. Also it's true about their reactions and things might turn out worse if I tell them.

@Sunday16 yes that's true. Confiding in someone might just make them feel uncomfortable especially if they're not expecting "negative vibes".

@Wispiwill I'm also unsure why I not only hide my problems, but lie to cover them up. It's frustrating because I do forget the lies and when probed, my stories just sound like flimsy excuses and that makes me more ashamed of myself.

Additional question: Do you all try to avoid social situations because of the need to hide your problems from others?
 
#7
yeah I'm sure it's normal and very common. I've lied for years to most people about what I'm going through and it does get tiring and isolating doesnt it, but to me the alternative is worse as people say shitty things and just make you feel more isolated with their lack of understanding. I dont know what your friend is like, but if they're a good friend, and a close one, I'm sure they'd want to support you. Talking from the other perspective, I've always felt kinda hurt if friends hid things from me, I respect their privacy, but I hate the idea of them struggling alone and would rather they told me so I can at least be there for them even if I can't help them solve things. But of course you dont have to tell anyone anything if you arent comfortable

*hug
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#8
It's easier to remember if you keep things simple and as close to the truth as possible. Having stock answers to things helps too. Most people only want the polite answers anyway so it's not exactly lying to tell them what they expect to hear. If it's more about behaviour - as in how you act around people - then it's more about creating a persona that you can be. Something you can maintain for a few hours or however long you're likely to need it. Basically, it's acting.

To answer your additional question - I'm a tad social phobic so I tend to avoid ALL social situations anyway. Plus I have no friends. That helps.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#9
I never tell anyone in real life the full truth of how I'm feeling. Those who I'm close to, I can start to tell at least that I'm struggling, but no one ever knows how bad it really is. Most people will get a vague answer like 'oh, I'm hanging in there' or 'doing okay, considering'.
 

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