i am mad . i am angry , and i am hurt.. You of all people who claim and are suppose to be christian , and a minister at that.. you hurt me.. you and your wife both did. DID IT EVER ACCURE TO YOU, DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK WHAT IT WOULD DO TO ME??? Have you ever thought about it??? You knew i thought of you both as a mom and dad and you even told me that you thought of me as a daughter and even called me by her name once at your eating table.. do you remember that? does your wife remember that?? Is it gonna make you happy when you see me in my casket.. its coming you know?? me laying in that casket... and its coming soon... Are you gonna through a big party cause i will be out of the picture for good?? THATS WHAT YOU WANT IS IT NOT??? YOU WANT TO SEE ME THERE?? YOU KNOW ITS GONNA HAPPEN.. THINK ABOUT IT??? did it not happen the last time i said it would?? I sent you a letter.. you did nothing.. YOU DID ABSOLUTLY NOTHING.... YOU DID NOT TRY TO STOP ME.. YOU DID NOT SAY THAT YOU LOVED ME.. IN FACT WHEN I HUGGED ELAINE , SHE PUSHED ME AWAY .. THAT HELPED ME TO DO IT YOU KNOW... HER PUSHING ME AWAY... I know you read this , yet you remain quiet, which is okay of me because its to be expected of you.. you know you both hurt me.. you both just up and left without calling to check on me , not even once a year could you even do that... you never even sent just a little postcard , just to say hi , we are thinking of you or we have you in our prayers.. you know you can send a post card without a return address or even a letter or just a card.. where were they.. WHERE WERE THE CARDS AND THE LETTERS??? YOU TOLD ME DAVID , THAT YOU THOUGHT OF ME AS A DAUGHTER , WOULD YOU NOT EVER SEND YOUR OWN DAUGHTER A CARD , OR A LETTER??? Remember in the church house i asked you and you said well cause i think of you as my daughter... YOU GONNA SAY YOU DONT REMEMBER THAT??? OKAY.. what you told me that day was a lie.... Remember the night they had the christmas party and the dinner??? Remember me calling and asking for a ride to church??? you said no i got to get ready for a trip??? yep , you had a trip to take , the first part of next year... i remember everyone got sick that night because i cried out really hard to the Lord that night... i was hungry that night and had not had anything to eat and it was not because of my choice neither.. it was because i had lost my job because my car had torn up and no one from the church would give me a ride to work . it hurt me.. it hurt me DEEPLY.. DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO KNOW THAT MOST EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT IN A CHURCH IS AT THE CHURCH HOUSE HAVING HAM AND TURKEY AND A GOOD TIME FELLOWSHIPPING WHILE YOU ARE AT HOME AND NOT GOT ANYTHING TO EAT????? CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THAT FELT LIKE TO ME???? Yep you thought i had did something wrong.. you thought i had hurt you..but in all reality i am at home hungry thinking what in the world is going on???? you hurt me that night a lot.... yes i remember the kind times before that.. i remember the church buying me a car for 300$ , i remember them helping to pull my mitsu home , i remember you paying my court fees ( which i still owe you for ) but what i want to know is HOW YOU COULD THINK OF ME THAT LOW AND AFTER ALL THE TIMES WE HAD STUDIED TOGETHER THAT YOU COULD THINK I WOULD BE SO MEAN AND SO CRUEL WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED... WHY COULDNT YOU BOTH JUST COME UP TO ME AND ASK ME , OR RATHER JUST SAY , HEY .. THIS HAPPENED AND DID YOU DO IT??? WHY COULDNT YOU ASK ME?? I AM NOT A MIND READER... and what about the time i had asked the church for some food?? Joe called me and instead of letting me know rather or not they could help me he just simply says , the men of the congregation have talked and we need you to leave the minister alone so he can continue his work here.... WHY COULD YOU NOT JUST TELL ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE , IF I WAS BOTHERING YOU?? THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN HARD TO DO NOR ASK ME TO DO... I AM NOT THAT BAD OF A PERSON AND I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD.. Yes im hurt by you, by you and Elaine , because i trusted you both.. because i loved you both as brother and sister in Christ.. but you did not think of me that way now did you?? What about right now??? where are you at??? youve read online here.. yet i guess you really do not care what happens to me... if you did you would have at least called.. i am no dummy.. you know where i live and you could come over but you havent.. THIS TELLS ME THAT YOU DO NOT CARE.. THIS ACTION TELLS ME THAT YOU NEVER LOVED ME.. THIS ACTION TELLS ME THAT YOU DONT CARE AT ALL WHAT HAPPENS TO ME OR MY SOUL... YOU DONT CARE IF I DIE WITH A TROUBLED MIND OR SPIRIT.... YOU GO ON AND ASSUME THAT I DID EVERYTHING.. YOU GO ON AND THINK ILL TOWARD ME.. YOU CAN GO ON AND THINK WHATEVER YOU WANT TO THINK.. BUT ITS NOT GOING TO BE THE TRUTH.. AND ON THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT YOU WILL SEE THAT... you will see on the day of judgement that you misjudged someone.. but yet i am still hurt over it.. I AM HURT BECAUSE I CANT HARDLY BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD THINK I WAS THAT MEAN , THAT LOW , THAT .... IT HURTS.. IT REALLY HURTS AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT BECAUSE THAT IS A MAJOR PART OF WHY IM DOING THIS.... I gave you an ultimatium the other day.. but guess what ... you didnt care.... theres no ultimatium this time.. either you contact me or you dont? MAD??? Yep im mad because i cant get my stupid pathic life straightened out without you and your wife willing to make peace.. so i might as well give up... next time you see me will be in my coffin so maybe then you can laugh your head off at me then and i wont even get to cry then... ITS WHAT YOU WANT , IS IT NOT? YOU WANTED ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOR GOOD, WELL I STAYED AWAY.... THIS TIME IT JUST MAKES IT PERMANENT , NO BIG DEAL.. You know what the scary part is? i am not afraid anymore.. i am not afraid to do it... im angry and hurt because i thought you cared.. BOY , WAS I EVER FOOLED THERE.. WELL , IM JUST GONNA DIE ANYWAY SO WHATS THE POINT IN HOLDING ON?? REALLY DONT SEE NO NEED AT ALL... YOU KNOW I WILL DO IT... YOU BOTH DO.... Sorry i couldnt mend the fences with you two.. sorry i let my niece play on the computer.. sorry for everything else... you know what bothers me the most in all of this?? do you.?? it is when you say that i like it when people feel sorry for me.. DO YOU KNOW HOW WRONG YOU ARE ABOUT THAT? YOU HAVE NO CLUE DO YOU? YOU DONT UNDERSTAND MY PAIN?? YOU THINK YOU KNOW BUT YOU DONT... I DONT WANT ANYONE FEELING SORRY FOR ME AND I NEVER HAVE WANTED ANYONE FEELING SORRY FOR ME.. I GOT CANCER... IT WILL TAKE MY LIFE ANYWAY.. SO IM DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT BEFORE I GET BADLY SICKER... I AM NOT GONNA STAY HERE AND FIGHT WITHOUT YOU AND ELAINE IN MY LIFE AS A MINISTER TO HELP ME OUT WITH MY SPIRITUAL LIFE TOWARD GOD.. IF YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME OR MY LIFE THEN I AM JUST GONNA GO ON AND DIE.. PLAIN AND SOMPLE , NOT WANTING SYMPATHY , NOT WANTING ANYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME WHATSOEVER.. YOU WANT ME TO STAY AND FIGHT SOMETHING THAT I CANT WIN , THEN YOU PROVE IT TO ME... YOU PROVE IT TO ME.. YOU LET ME KNOW THAT YOU DONT WANT ME TO DO THIS AND TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE THEN YOUD BETTER GET MOVING CAUSE MY TIME IN A COFFIN IS COMING QUICK, AND IT WILL HIT YOU SUDDENLY... YOU WILL THINK YOU GOT PLENTY OF TIME TO TALK WITH ME , THEN IT WILL HIT YOU LIKE A ROCK.. YOU WILL SEE ME IN THE OBIT , AND THINK TO YOURSELF , I SHOULD HAVE WENT SOONER..... NO JOKING AROUND... NOR FUN INTENDED.. IM DYING ANYHOW OF CANCER... i cant get peace between us and i have tried, ( even dummy me wrote talk show hosts , and i must be crazy there ?? lol ) and i am dying anyhow o cancer.. so whats the point in trying.. im going camping for the first time and the last time..