Mad Angry and Hurt

[White Dove]

i am mad . i am angry , and i am hurt..

You of all people who claim and are suppose to be christian , and a minister at that.. you hurt me.. you and your wife both did.

DID IT EVER ACCURE TO YOU, DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK WHAT IT WOULD DO TO ME???

Have you ever thought about it???

You knew i thought of you both as a mom and dad and you even told me that you thought of me as a daughter and even called me by her name once at your eating table.. do you remember that? does your wife remember that??

Is it gonna make you happy when you see me in my casket.. its coming you know?? me laying in that casket... and its coming soon... Are you gonna through a big party cause i will be out of the picture for good??

THATS WHAT YOU WANT IS IT NOT??? YOU WANT TO SEE ME THERE?? YOU KNOW ITS GONNA HAPPEN.. THINK ABOUT IT???

did it not happen the last time i said it would?? I sent you a letter.. you did nothing.. YOU DID ABSOLUTLY NOTHING.... YOU DID NOT TRY TO STOP ME.. YOU DID NOT SAY THAT YOU LOVED ME.. IN FACT WHEN I HUGGED ELAINE , SHE PUSHED ME AWAY .. THAT HELPED ME TO DO IT YOU KNOW... HER PUSHING ME AWAY...

I know you read this , yet you remain quiet, which is okay of me because its to be expected of you..

you know you both hurt me.. you both just up and left without calling to check on me , not even once a year could you even do that... you never even sent just a little postcard , just to say hi , we are thinking of you or we have you in our prayers.. you know you can send a post card without a return address or even a letter or just a card..

where were they.. WHERE WERE THE CARDS AND THE LETTERS??? YOU TOLD ME DAVID , THAT YOU THOUGHT OF ME AS A DAUGHTER , WOULD YOU NOT EVER SEND YOUR OWN DAUGHTER A CARD , OR A LETTER??? Remember in the church house i asked you and you said well cause i think of you as my daughter... YOU GONNA SAY YOU DONT REMEMBER THAT??? OKAY.. what you told me that day was a lie....

Remember the night they had the christmas party and the dinner??? Remember me calling and asking for a ride to church??? you said no i got to get ready for a trip??? yep , you had a trip to take , the first part of next year... i remember everyone got sick that night because i cried out really hard to the Lord that night... i was hungry that night and had not had anything to eat and it was not because of my choice neither.. it was because i had lost my job because my car had torn up and no one from the church would give me a ride to work . it hurt me.. it hurt me DEEPLY..

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO KNOW THAT MOST EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT IN A CHURCH IS AT THE CHURCH HOUSE HAVING HAM AND TURKEY AND A GOOD TIME FELLOWSHIPPING WHILE YOU ARE AT HOME AND NOT GOT ANYTHING TO EAT????? CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THAT FELT LIKE TO ME????

Yep you thought i had did something wrong.. you thought i had hurt you..but in all reality i am at home hungry thinking what in the world is going on???? you hurt me that night a lot....

yes i remember the kind times before that.. i remember the church buying me a car for 300$ , i remember them helping to pull my mitsu home , i remember you paying my court fees ( which i still owe you for ) but what i want to know is

HOW YOU COULD THINK OF ME THAT LOW AND AFTER ALL THE TIMES WE HAD STUDIED TOGETHER THAT YOU COULD THINK I WOULD BE SO MEAN AND SO CRUEL WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED...

WHY COULDNT YOU BOTH JUST COME UP TO ME AND ASK ME , OR RATHER JUST SAY , HEY .. THIS HAPPENED AND DID YOU DO IT??? WHY COULDNT YOU ASK ME?? I AM NOT A MIND READER...

and what about the time i had asked the church for some food?? Joe called me and instead of letting me know rather or not they could help me he just simply says , the men of the congregation have talked and we need you to leave the minister alone so he can continue his work here....

WHY COULD YOU NOT JUST TELL ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE , IF I WAS BOTHERING YOU?? THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN HARD TO DO NOR ASK ME TO DO... I AM NOT THAT BAD OF A PERSON AND I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD..

Yes im hurt by you, by you and Elaine , because i trusted you both.. because i loved you both as brother and sister in Christ.. but you did not think of me that way now did you?? What about right now??? where are you at??? youve read online here.. yet i guess you really do not care what happens to me... if you did you would have at least called.. i am no dummy.. you know where i live and you could come over but you havent..

THIS TELLS ME THAT YOU DO NOT CARE..

THIS ACTION TELLS ME THAT YOU NEVER LOVED ME..

THIS ACTION TELLS ME THAT YOU DONT CARE AT ALL WHAT HAPPENS TO ME OR MY SOUL...

YOU DONT CARE IF I DIE WITH A TROUBLED MIND OR SPIRIT....

YOU GO ON AND ASSUME THAT I DID EVERYTHING.. YOU GO ON AND THINK ILL TOWARD ME.. YOU CAN GO ON AND THINK WHATEVER YOU WANT TO THINK.. BUT ITS NOT GOING TO BE THE TRUTH.. AND ON THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT YOU WILL SEE THAT... you will see on the day of judgement that you misjudged someone..

but yet i am still hurt over it.. I AM HURT BECAUSE I CANT HARDLY BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD THINK I WAS THAT MEAN , THAT LOW , THAT .... IT HURTS.. IT REALLY HURTS AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT BECAUSE THAT IS A MAJOR PART OF WHY IM DOING THIS....

I gave you an ultimatium the other day.. but guess what ... you didnt care.... theres no ultimatium this time.. either you contact me or you dont?

MAD???

Yep im mad because i cant get my stupid pathic life straightened out without you and your wife willing to make peace.. so i might as well give up... next time you see me will be in my coffin so maybe then you can laugh your head off at me then and i wont even get to cry then...

ITS WHAT YOU WANT , IS IT NOT?

YOU WANTED ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOR GOOD, WELL I STAYED AWAY.... THIS TIME IT JUST MAKES IT PERMANENT , NO BIG DEAL..

You know what the scary part is? i am not afraid anymore.. i am not afraid to do it...

im angry and hurt because i thought you cared..

BOY , WAS I EVER FOOLED THERE.. WELL , IM JUST GONNA DIE ANYWAY SO WHATS THE POINT IN HOLDING ON?? REALLY DONT SEE NO NEED AT ALL...

YOU KNOW I WILL DO IT... YOU BOTH DO....

Sorry i couldnt mend the fences with you two.. sorry i let my niece play on the computer.. sorry for everything else...

you know what bothers me the most in all of this?? do you.?? it is when you say that i like it when people feel sorry for me.. DO YOU KNOW HOW WRONG YOU ARE ABOUT THAT? YOU HAVE NO CLUE DO YOU? YOU DONT UNDERSTAND MY PAIN?? YOU THINK YOU KNOW BUT YOU DONT... I DONT WANT ANYONE FEELING SORRY FOR ME AND I NEVER HAVE WANTED ANYONE FEELING SORRY FOR ME.. I GOT CANCER... IT WILL TAKE MY LIFE ANYWAY.. SO IM DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT BEFORE I GET BADLY SICKER... I AM NOT GONNA STAY HERE AND FIGHT WITHOUT YOU AND ELAINE IN MY LIFE AS A MINISTER TO HELP ME OUT WITH MY SPIRITUAL LIFE TOWARD GOD.. IF YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME OR MY LIFE THEN I AM JUST GONNA GO ON AND DIE.. PLAIN AND SOMPLE , NOT WANTING SYMPATHY , NOT WANTING ANYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME WHATSOEVER.. YOU WANT ME TO STAY AND FIGHT SOMETHING THAT I CANT WIN , THEN YOU PROVE IT TO ME... YOU PROVE IT TO ME.. YOU LET ME KNOW THAT YOU DONT WANT ME TO DO THIS AND TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE THEN YOUD BETTER GET MOVING CAUSE MY TIME IN A COFFIN IS COMING QUICK, AND IT WILL HIT YOU SUDDENLY... YOU WILL THINK YOU GOT PLENTY OF TIME TO TALK WITH ME , THEN IT WILL HIT YOU LIKE A ROCK.. YOU WILL SEE ME IN THE OBIT , AND THINK TO YOURSELF , I SHOULD HAVE WENT SOONER..... NO JOKING AROUND... NOR FUN INTENDED.. IM DYING ANYHOW OF CANCER...

i cant get peace between us and i have tried, ( even dummy me wrote talk show hosts , and i must be crazy there ?? lol ) and i am dying anyhow o cancer.. so whats the point in trying.. im going camping for the first time and the last time..

 

[Allo..]

they don't want you dead..
i know they don't.

Sometimes it's hard, not just for you, but for them too..

chin up :hug:
look after yourself hun.

 

[WindWalker]

I honestly wouldn't give them a second thought. Why do you continue to do this? They are obviously not very Christian if they can't forgive. If you don't let it go you are going to continue being miserable or you can choose to concentrate on living the time you have left in peace. The choice is yours.

 

[White Dove]

they don't want you dead..
i know they don't.

Sometimes it's hard, not just for you, but for them too..

chin up :hug:
look after yourself hun.

yes they do..

if they did not want me dead they would have been here already... they would have called and even left a message if they cared..

they might think i wont do it, well theyd better think that one over cause i am...

and windwalker ( btw love the name and have used it a time or two on message boards ) you say that i can have peace but i cant...

i know with my understanding of the bible and it says one can not have fault or anything like that with your brother before coming to the Lord, i cant have peace until there is peace between me and the daltons , and i cant come to the Lord until that happens ,

SO IM SCREWED ANYWAY AND IM DYING ANYWAY OF CANCER AND THEY DONT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME OR MY SOUL.. WELL I AM DOING IT THIS WEEKEND..

could not ask for a better place.. just me and nature...

i gave them plenty of time... i have reached out to them plenty of times , it is their turn now... either they come by or call before i leave for camp or im gone..

NO IFS ANDS OR BUTTS ABOUT IT..

YOU HEAR THAT MR AND MRS DALTON...

YOU KNOW I WILL DO IT.... ALL IT WILL TAKE IS A LITTLE BEER IN MY SYSTEM TO GET THE NERVE AND I HAVE ENOUGH TO DO ME IN... PROBABLY MORE THEN ENOUGH.. ITS YOUR CALL....

YOU WANNA MAKE PEACE WITH ME AND HELP EASE MY MIND THEN YOU HAD BETTER GET HERE OR ELSE IM GONE.. I KNOW YOU READ THIS... I HAVE IT ON THE HIGHEST AUTHORITY YOU DO AND NO I AM NOT GOING TELL YOU WHO TOLD ME....

I LEAVE FOR CAMP TOMORROW AND THEN I AM GONE FROM THIS WORLD FOR GOOD...

DO YOU LOVE ME??/

WELL DO YOU??

THEN YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO PROVE IT BEFORE I GO.....

PART OF THE REASON I AM DOING THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOU TWO... A MAJOR PART OF IT... SO DO YOU LOVE ME??

YOU BETTER LET ME KNOW OR ELSE I AM GONE...

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I WILL DO IT, JUST LIKE I DID IT LAST TIME WHEN I TOLD YOU I WOULD...

NOW MY QUESTION TO YOU IS..

DO YOU LOVE ME???

REALLY LOVE ME??

 

[WindWalker]

You certainly can have peace. I am sure there is something in the bible that tells you to let things go. There are some people that just aren't worth fretting over and the couple you talk about would be on the top of the list.

Life is what you choose it to be, you can choose for people like that to destroy you or not. Trust me, I have been through some hell in my time but I keep going just to spite those who keep trying to put me back. Kind of like the saying: "Smile, it will make them wonder what your up to" or something like that.

IMO those people aren't worth a thing.

 

[White Dove]

You certainly can have peace. I am sure there is something in the bible that tells you to let things go. There are some people that just aren't worth fretting over and the couple you talk about would be on the top of the list.

Life is what you choose it to be, you can choose for people like that to destroy you or not. Trust me, I have been through some hell in my time but I keep going just to spite those who keep trying to put me back. Kind of like the saying: "Smile, it will make them wonder what your up to" or something like that.

IMO those people aren't worth a thing.

There is also something in the bible that says if you are not right with a fellow brother then you must first make things right before coming to God..

I cant have a peace of mind until i peace is between me and them and then i can come to God.. I have tried.. I honestly have tried... its out of my hands now... It is totally out of my hands now...

I have spoken truth online here. the truth of how i feel.. the truth of my feelings.. the truth of what happened.. i have pleaded with them online... i have sent mail that has come back returned.. i have called only to find out my number has been blocked by them... i have called his place of work only to get an answering machine , which i am not about to leave any message on because it is between me and them only... i have given up my time to lay my heart out many times and i know they read it..

Perhaps their thinking is that this is not real? Perhaps their thinking is that i am not sincere in this? Perhaps their thinking is that i have all the time in the world and that later on they can see me ? Perhaps they think something totally different? I dont know their thinking nor their hearts , but i thought i did...

Im dying , no games , no jokes , no stunts for attention... I didnt ask for this cancer.. And i sure as hell didnt want it.. but i got it and i cant chanmge that.. i cant change it, if i could , i would.. i had a dying wish... to put my mind at ease , my heart at ease , and my spirit at rest but for some unseen reason , i can not do that...

I know for them its hard to know what to do because of my past but my hope and prayer is that they will soon see that what i have said was said from my heart.. I hope they realize that its not a game and not fun cause cancer is nothing to laugh about.. IT TOOK MY MOM AND ITS GONNA TRY TO TAKE ME EXCEPT I CHOSE TO TAKE MYSELF BEFORE IT DOES....

I never wanted this.. But i got it and i cant stop it... The pain is terriable and if i stay it will get more painful... it is a battle i cant win... i will not stay and fight cause i have no reason to stay... i cant win at it so why fight something that you know is going to win anyway?? i dont care rather they believe it or not but its the truth and i cant change that... i wish i could just say go away and it would be gone and i would be fine but i cant...

if they are reading this , all i can say is ...

i needed peace for my mind , peace for my heart and soul... Is that too much to ask of you both?? its out of my hands now and i have left it to God... im dying and i cant stop it.. God knows i cant and he has allowed it to happen.. he has allowed me to die young.. i dont know his reasons and neither do you but it has happened..

my greatest wish was to die with a heart , mind , and spirit at ease... You have chosen for me not to die that way and i dont know the answer to that or the reasons why, and im not trying to force you too. the choice is yours , but i ask you please... Please?? help my mind be at ease so i can die in peace.. I leave it up to you and Elaine... im leaving it up to God also.. its in his hands now... i will not beg or plead with you anymore... i will not bother you anymore.. its in Gods hands now... You have the info you need.. ITS UP TO YOU NOW.. ITS UP TO THE BOTH OF YOU.... WILL YOU HELP EASE MY MIND OR DO I DIE THIS WAY?

If you chose not to then thats your choice and i guess i will see you on the other side , cause you will have to see me then anyway... no getting out of that one... it is in Gods hands now... This is not a joke , not a game, not a stunt for attention, etc.. this is real cold hard facts and cold hard truth.. i have something that cant be cured and it wasnt my choice to get it but i did get it... I have pleaded all im gonna plea.. i have said all im gonna say.. its up to you now... its totally up to you... take care...