Mad at God

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bmavxps3, Sep 10, 2010.

  1. bmavxps3

    bmavxps3 Member

    I was so miserable. I dedicated 5 years of my life to a woman who never loved me. Because of her, (actually my fault, not hers), I became hooked on ecstasy. I begged God to help me. I gave up everything secular, from my friends to my music. I was involved in 2 different churches for half a year. I was involved at least 4 to 5 days a week with the church. I prayed, stayed in bible, tried to change. Look at me now!

    I'm more miserable than ever, and went from one drug addiction to another. There's stacks of religious "self-improvement" books and texts littered around the floor of my room. I seriously contemplated suicide today. I crawled out of bed to examine to back of all the medicine boxes I could find. I was searching the internet for advice on how to end my life without pain. All I found out is that most suicide attempts fail and that there's no real way to end your life without pain. Oh great, so now I'm stuck here!

    I was at a restaurant today, and after eating, my friend and I walked into the parking lot. He noticed I was doing pretty badly, so he starts explaining how I should get a woman in my life. I go on to explain how a woman was the reason for the pain I was in and how the situation has turned me quite sexist. He makes an argument against what I was saying, and I even was starting to consider it. Then 2 drunk women come stumbling up to us and start trying to flirt with us. Exactly, it's like God was mocking me, as if to kick me while I was down.

    Thank you for letting me down, God. If this is how you treat people that tried to love you, I'd hate to be one of your enemies. Thank you for responding to my prayers with more failures. I moved across the country just to study your word. I was willing to give up everything, and this is how you repay me? Thank you for giving me a life I never asked for. Now all I ask is for you to help me end it, and now I can't? How is that just? I did so much for you, this makes me sick! You failed me, God! You let me down!
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I don't think God (if there is one) is going to help you kill yourself...
    I understand how hard it is after a breakup but keep fighting those SI thoughts....
    the crisispoint will pass....
    are you having any therapy, taking any meds...they could help...
  3. bmavxps3

    bmavxps3 Member

    Ya know, forget this thread. I was really just frustrated when I posted it. I had been unemployed since June, then a great work opportunity came up. I had been smoking weed 4 to 6 days a week since last March because I was so depressed.

    After my interview went great, I was told that I'd be called on friday if I got the job and then I would be drug tested. I had smoked the night before the interview, so I was only 4 days clean. They said they'd call monday or tuesday of this week. I didn't get a call, I totally lost faith.

    Then two hours ago, I got a call saying I passed the drug test and got the job. I'm going to quit smoking now. I hope this gives faith to somebody out there. Thanks for reading.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    good for you!!!! i hope this step is the first of many tha twill help you move forward. just my thoughts on the matter but i think there is a "god" and he gives us the lives we live. but he isnt responsible for the good or bad that happens. we are. he just gives us the means to eithr fight or give up. at the end of the day he understands either way. good luck with the new job and hey keep coming and psoting when you need to. it's not much but it does help to get it out somewhre that others do understand :arms:
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Well done you....I'm so pleased for you....I hope the new job goes well and life keeps improving for you :arms:
  6. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

  7. bmavxps3

    bmavxps3 Member

    Honestly Idk, I guess I was so desperate to stop feeling miserable, I figured God would appreciate me sacrificing certain sinful elements out of my life. But now I understand that there are extreme flaws in that logic. As of now, I'm still searching for truth. Idk what I believe anymore....
  8. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member


    When I have gone on crackdowns on "undesirable" parts of my life, it did me no good.