Mad at the Sun

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by VALIS, Aug 29, 2011.

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  1. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    Mad at the sun

    Fire to spare I have mine
    Being born under the sign
    I spew it when I speak, even a squeak
    blisters the cruel and the kind

    The heat, like burning Belial
    Yet the people don't suffer, they smile?
    They Walk around naked, irradiated
    And Sweating all the while

    Hearing only the keyboard sound
    Expressionless but for this frown
    I'll stay inside, for 3 months I'll hide
    so sick of you hanging around

    (this poem is freakin' terrible but I guess one is what one writes)
  2. disoriented

    disoriented Member

    I thought it was absolutely amazing. I wish I was talented with words as you are
  3. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much. I just wish the words carried more feeling, I don't feel that my point got accross very well--- the absolute suffering of summer, every year....

    Wish I could write like Elliott :eek:hmy: and please look out for yourself.
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni


    Edit: Just saw pics of your cat in the group discussion. I have one word to say: Cute!!!!! :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 30, 2011
  5. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    yeahhhhh... she's a fuzzy yellow pumpkin face.....
  6. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I love the first two stanzas, they're very strong. You gotta add a powerful third stanza for the finish. You've got some good lines in here along with the rhythm and energy.
  7. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the awesome constructive criticism. I'm gonna work on it some more a bit later. good advice coming from an accomplished lyrical poet such as yourself :) and I think the third stanza did fall off a bit. Thats one of the reasons I thought it wasn't so great.

    Oh and it's my 300th Post!!!!!!

    Been on SF waaaaaaay too much this summer!!! It's too friggin hot to go outside!!!!! Hence the poem!!!!!!!!!
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