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I want to scream b/c my shoulder hurts. A lot. I think my stress and bad feelings and guilt have all built up there and are now punishing me. Which I think I deserve, of course. I'm sick of being such a self-pitying sad sack. I just want to eat sweets and sleep. But, as my boss once said, "It's not about what u want." I think normal people must have a different mindset altogether. Or maybe not and they're just strong enough to keep going. Or strong enough to turn things around for themselves.
My only "friend" is just starting a horrible divorce, depressed, suicidal, distraught over losing his son to his wife. He's not really a type I would like and I'm a secret. I want a nice boy who can help me. But a non-depressed person is only going to put up with so much from a depressed one. Unless they already know and love you when you're not depressed. He thinks I was molested b/c I can't kiss. I only have one memory along those lines, but it would explain a lot about me. Or maybe I'm just a total loser. DAMN. my shoulder hurts. Would I take physical pain over mental? I don't know. mental is so comfortable/familiar to me. I guess I can't answer the question.
Dreamed about Sam, but he was being mean to me, again. I miss him. I miss what he was to me. All I do is eat refined sugar. So sad. Sebastian is back. That's my name for my depression. He has successfully fought the meds i guess. Who cares. I just want to die; to never have existed. I know I'm already here so I have some sort of role in people's lives, but still. I just can't settle anything in my head. I do want to scream, but I'm too tired to do so. Gotta get up to go to the drugstore. Going to write my application essays this weekend. Just do it. Just take one step and hopefully the process will pull me along and it will lead somewhere good. I can't stay at work where I am. It makes me miserable


Im really sorry so much is happening to you, I can't relate to much of it, but I really hope it gets better for you.
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