Made my decision. Giving smack another chance.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by fisch, Oct 27, 2010.

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  1. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    Just got back in touch with my middle man. Haven't seen him for months. He does the dirty deals so I don't have to.

    I need my medicine. The gear's my best friend. Fuck everything and everyone.
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    fisch I hope you have second thoughts on this..if you're off it you've done so well ..give yourself credit for that...it's a mojor achievement ..be proud of yourself
    try not to go back..go get yourself some more help ..
    there are others here who have given up who might help you more..
    whats happened to make you feel like using again?
     
  3. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply. I'm not entirely surely what has made me feel like this, I know I feel angry for some reason, but I don't direct that anger at a particular person/thing...it's just general anger.

    In any case, I'll have to sleep on it tonight because I can't make it to his flat tonight, it's an hour's journey. I'll see whether I can come on SF here tomorrow, but can't be sure, as I'm very on-off on this forum. Thanks for the reply, though.
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    maybe anxiety causing the anger...can you go see your doctor before you pick up the drugs? he maybe able to give you something to calm you down
     
  5. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Yeah it might be your best friend but where is it when you lose all your friends, family? When you get made homeless, when your sleeping rough etc? I was addicted to it for 9 years and i know first hand its the nastiest drug going.

    Have you tried counselling? Maybe then you can direct your anger in some sort of healthy way because damn anything is better than the alternative
     
  6. Concave

    Concave Active Member

    I have thought about trying it. I know i'd prob get hooked instantly seeing my pension for opiates, but at this point i don't care much. What makes it worse is I got someone who could get me all the smack i want, seeing as i have the money. Guess i could start out snorting at first.... :(
     
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    No no no ...don't go there Larkin..
    listen to chuck norris...
     
  8. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Yeah theres opiates and then theres heroin. Believe me thats one road you never wanna go down. When i was using i lost all respect for myself and everyone around me. I didnt know what i was doing half the time. Weeks blended into each other until 9 long ass years had passed.

    Believe me after that long you will want to come off it but you find that its hard, it means you have to face reality. You have to face up to all the fucked up shit that you have done and suddenly you have a conciense again. If your lucky you will only have hepatitis C and if your shit out of luck you will have HIV as well.

    Oh and thats after you have detoxed, which involves you going through unimaginable pain and hallucinations and no sleep for 8 weeks along wwith the vomitting and bleeding because your stomach is tearing itself apart.

    You might be thinking heroin is a good way to end it? Wrong. People who end up addicted to heroin dont kill themselves because they love the drug too much. You end up caring only for the next hit, the next bag, the next whatever.
     
  9. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    You are just up for added torture in your life. Do you not suffer enough as it is?

    I've had the same thoughts. I have money and could support a habit. But i don't want to put my family through that, or myself for that matter.

    My ideal suicide plan was/is to OD on shooting up. So i really do understand wanting to go down this road. Don't do it. Watch some documentaries about addiction, it will scare the hell out of you.
     
  10. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    I hate letting you guys down but I did go to see my middle man tonight. I actually asked him if he could fix me up with an 1/8th of heroin and also an 1/8th of crack. Heroin to numb the emotional pain, crack more as a stimulant to get more things done in the day. I know that last part of the sentence sounds idiotic, why can't I just have coffee? Well, because it had to be a Class A drug because drugs are my form of self-harm, it's just the way I think in my messed-up mind. I always have to do something drastic, always have to take the harder way. So anyway the only dealer available only did 1/4 pieces, and I didn't have enough money to have a 1/4 of both drugs. So I actually chose crack - this sounds absurd, but I chose it for practical reasons, as I'm very busy at uni and need a stimulant.

    Turns out the dealer hustled us. My middle man knew it wasn't crack and confronted the dealer about it. Bad mistake. My guy wanted to take my money back to me, but the dealer ripped off his jacket, with my cash still in it. My guy, who I am proud to call a mate and who I'd trust with my life, felt like he had let me down. He said he was fed up of doing deals, he doesn't want to do one ever again, because of all the complicated shit that comes with it.

    I returned home, empty-handed and without money. I don't know anyone else within the Class A dealing circles, so I can't do the drugs anymore, though I have to admit it's not out of choice.
     
  11. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member



    Do you believe in signs?
     
  12. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    Perhaps I do now. :)
     
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Coming from a huge family of druggies, I can seriously tell you that staying clean is the best decision in your life.

    I wish you so much luck with fighting this demon. Congradulations on making it to this point.
     
  14. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all your goodwill, my friend. :hugtackles:
     
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so pleased to hear that you didnt get the drugs....I agree it was a sign ..
    Keep fighting it ok and believe in yourself...
     
  16. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I do honestly appreciate your support. :smile:
     
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