Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Dead_Alive, Feb 3, 2006.
prelude of whats comng... barel acle to stay wake... die nother day
I hope what is to come is you living. It sounds like you ar ein so much pain. I wish I knew more what to say right now. I'm really worried. :hug:
I, too am worried. I hope you get the help you need.
what do you mean by small attempt? did you pull out half way or see it through. have you hurt yourself?
someone here ratted on me and the cops came... I could not complete process cause I had to stay awake enough to answer their questions.
I know who did it though and talked to her and she said she was sorry and was just worried about me.
Dumb police... they are sooo stupid...
They call me on phone at 4 oclock in morning and ask me if I am I took anything.
I denied it,,, they said let us send a car over and check you out... I said no need to draw attention to me... so they did anyway.
They sent a twinky twuck... a paddywagon... I hurried best could got dressed and went out to them... cause I didnt want them busting my door in and finding my gun or drugs.
I could feel the stuff hitting me... I forced myself to maintain my composure... watching my speech and all... not easy
there weere 3 cops there... they asked if they could frisk me for weapons... they did so...
I told them I had been drinking... might as well... I was sure they could smell it.
They asked if I was suicidal... I smiled and said;" why would you think that?"
They said they were tipped by someone in germany... I knew immediately who it was. Told them; that she was the suicidal one... actually we both are.
they backed off a little... see they got nothing to go on...
said... well we dont know what to believe... why dont you come with us so we can take u to hospital to be evaluated...
I cooperated... had to... cause I did not want to draw suspicion to myself.
"Hurry" I thought... the intoxicated brew was working its way in... I was breathing heavier now...
they got me to local hospital... waited few minutes...
evaluated by triage nurse...
I was so damn good at lying... I knew how to play their game cause I have been 5150'd before...
again asked me twice if I was suicidal...
I again asked why she would think that... I made a determined effort to focus attention on her instead of on me... asked her questions about why she chose to be a nurse ... and so forth... told her I thought it was because she wanted to help people... told her I was same way... created a bond between us.... so she would trust me...
she asked me to take off my coat to get pulse and pressure readings...
I hesistated... that now she had me....
"fuck" I said under by breath... the panic set in,, but I had to maintain myself... forced myself to remain calm.
She saw all the bloody cuts on my arms... she got real suspicious and told me to come clean with her...
I remember reading a post here on your self injury site about how to evade these kinds of questions so I used one. Thankyou for educating me people.
I told her that I had been drinking... and that I tripped and fell into some briars and got cut up...
She said that she didnt think she needed to evaluate me anymore... asked again if I was sure I was not going to hurt myself.
I smiled and said you should know better than that...
I evaded her question
they called a taxi for me... by the time he arrived I was having trouble walking... by the time he got me home I could not walk very well at all and by the time I got in my apartment I made it to the bathroom and had dry heaves,,, got to clean it all up now... passed out and slept most of day...
dumb people... cant believe I pulled it off.
So you see people... you cant try that stuff... I am too goood.
you cant call cops on me... I can play their game...
most of time I dont get caught though... had I not been sleeping at time I would have ran out of there and waited nearby to see them rooll away knowing I wans t home.
but they caught me early in morning...
I am soo good! Got a lot to be proud of.
next time when I do it... wont tell any of you anything...
or if I do... I will use public system... you wont track me.
I am sorry you feel so badly hun. I hope things get better, have you thought about therapy? PM me anytime.
You don't realize that these people want you to live. Whoever called the cops on you must have cared enough, becasue they live on the otehr side fo the world, this obviously shows that they wanted you to liev, even if they aren't there to help.
I hope you are ok. Sometimes pills can take it's toll a few days later... kidneys, liver, etc..
I do not congratulate you on your ability to manipulate those trying to help you. Seems to me you took up a lot of the police and nurses time, lied, and hurt your own recovery efferts. You call this clever and congratulate yourself but it's a typical abusive reaction, push people away, don't trust. You didn't fool anyone, they read you just as easily as you read them.. after all, you were no longer a threat to yourself anymore, may as well let you go home as keep you against your will in a hospital. Why?
Because keeping people against their will in the hospital only serves to keep them alive when they would most certainly seek to harm or kill themselves. However, the person who can admit their feeling of suicide and urges, who can be honest with cops, staff, etc.. is truley seeking recovery. Depression is a terrible illness because it robs us of our will to get better. But to fight back requires honesty to yourselfwn your feelings and thoughts, recognise you are creating them. And honesty to others: Dr's, friends, people on this site so you can get help, like you did, and receive beneficial feedback. I hope you thank that person from Germany who did you a favor... or do you wish you were dead. Now that things are starting to come together, meds may start kicking in soon, etc.. do you want to throw all that away?
It's ok to admit you need help from others. It's ok to tell the truth. In fact, it is wise and in your best interests to do so.
Luke 6: 46-49 "Why do you call me Lord, Lord, and do not obey me? Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and acts on them, I will show you whom he is like. He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid a foundation of rock, and when a flood occured, the torrent burst aganst the house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who has heard and has not acted accordingly, is like a man who built a house on the ground without any foundation, and the torrent burst against it and immediately it collapsed, and the ruin of that house was great.
That's odd. When the cops came to my house all they did was ask me a couple of question like was I planning to hurt myself and so on and then left. Perhaps the drinking played a role in your case or they just have diferent procedures.
Luliby what's the Bible verse about?
***mod edit -sarah***
I don't know if you were referring to me but I guess sometimes we see ourselves as worthless and see others as being worth more so we only want ourselves to die not others. I certainly don't wish death on anyone.
I am curious why you have replied with a simple peace in some of your post. Wasn't sure what you meant by that.
you see yourself as so different then everyone else? wishing death on someone is different to relating what it feels like to want to die with someone. hugs and bunnies seem to be the going "don't die" tender.. why? why collectively come together as a group of souls who do as you stated feel "worthless", and tell each other it's all going to be ok?
'asleeping', I'm sorry but I don't quite understand what your saying either, and I read your post as if your 'having a go' - my apologies to you if your not, but its sometimes difficult when reading to see the intent. I don't think anyone here see's themselves as so different, and we share these common thoughts. I often feel so very alone and when reading messages written back to me of thinking of you, and 'hugs' I find them comforting. Mia herself has replied to me with comments that have made me question myself with issues that I have and am dealing with, and with the kind support of others have lifted my emotions to a point where I'm trying to process them.
As for telling others that everything will be okay its easier to encourage others than yourself. I don't want to speak for anyone else, but I find that if I met someone with exactly the same issues as myself I would be encouraging them that everything would be okay, but looking in on yourself you just can't see it. I don't think I'm explaining this very well. I mean for example, if I watched a TV film of a person receiving domestic violence from their partner I would be saying why don't you leave this person, you deserve so much more, someone that will return the love, that there are places you can go, people that can help, after the 1st or 2nd time this has happenned get out. But I stayed in a violent relationship for years...
Does that make sense?
Why? Because it's a pro-life forum whereby we join each other in the encouragement and fight to live What is more - this approach really can work.
Anyway..... I came here to see how you are Dead Alive - haven't seen you about for a bit and wondered if you are ok and what's happening with you :hug:
Thinking of you and hope you are ok
Why are you here then?
*slap slap slap*:blink:
the suicidel person is throwing around threatening language. where is the moderator to protect me?
sorry I fail to see any threatening language hun....
Anyway..... Let's get this thread back to the original topic..... Does anyone know how Dead Alive is? I haven't seen him recently and was concerned....
He was online earlier today.
Sorry to be a downer...but there is no help. where do you suggest you go, huh? Someone so they can keep you for a couple of agonizing hours and all you can think about is getting away from the pain? They always let you go.....always...there is no help.
Many people do climb out of that dark hole hon. I can attest to that. It's definitely worth it to keep trying, not only philosophically for good and just reasons, but it really is worth it on a purely selfish level too. Honest, it can get better. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: