I really hope it's appropriate for me to express these feelings here. If what I'm writing belongs somewhere else then let me know, but I'm just trying to share my feelings honestly in a way that I can't with anyone in real life. I've made the decision to commit suicide but I'm afraid of the process. I used to feel suicidal urges as an intense emotion or as an impulse response to a depressive episode or major mood swing, but I feel no emotion towards the idea anymore. It's a careful and rational decision that I've arrived at and I've thought it over with the consideration of any major life decision one makes, and I want it with all of my heart. But I'm only human, and still find the process of suiciding quite scary. I have enough painkillers in a bottle in my bedside drawer to attempt suicide but I can't bear the thought of going through the process of knowing I'm about to die. I've researched possible means of legally buying a gun in Australia but it's impossible, and that's the only instant method I can think of. People might see my hesitance as part of a deep desire to not really want to die - they'll call it 'hope'. But for me it's purely a biological fail safe that's making the act so difficult - the same thing that makes your hand move out of a fire no matter how badly you might wish to burn yourself. Overcoming your ingrained survival mechanism is extremely difficult, and I think some people see it as a lack of conviction when really I think it's a pretty normal thing to come up against when you're feeling suicidal. I don't know if it's worth even talking about what's lead me to feeling this way as I feel I'll end up debating people on a bunch of things that aren't really important. I have a disorder which is excruciating to live with, and I've followed through with every single type of treatment available and none of it works. I'm just a broken machine that doesn't have a place in this world and can't ever be fixed. What I'm trying to accomplish right now is pushing the envelope of what my body can withstand physically in the hopes of eventually overcoming the biological hurdles holding me back from completing. I'm self harming as often as I can and am coming off my medications to try and facilitate the emotional state I'll need to be in to be able to swallow all those pills without changing my mind and calling for help. Suicide is my goal, it might just be a gradual process to get there. I don't know what I'm even wanting from people on this forum, I'm just posting my feelings & I find other people's threads reassuring that I'm not alone. I'm not interested in arguing with anyone and I welcome people's feedback.