Made up my mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Crashtesthero, Aug 30, 2012.

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  1. Crashtesthero

    Crashtesthero Member

    I've finally decided to go through with it. I am going on a family camping trip this weekend and when I get home I plan to do it. I want to go to a park or something so my husband doesn't find me. My thinking is that I'm going to leave him a long note and then just drive for a while. I'm so tired of feeling like a someone who has no purpose.

    I don't want to work, I would rather stay at home all day which means I'm not bringing anything to our relationship financially... I'm an emotional wreck most times and wonder what the hell he was smoking when he decided to marry me... I still can't figure that puzzle out. But I want to do this. I'm so tired of pretending to be having a better day and then running to my room to cry. I cry so often nowdays that my eyes are raw. I feel pathetic even writing this because I don't know whats wrong... I have no legitimate reason to be depressed but I have felt this way since I was in Middle school and I'm 22 now. My therapist even said there's nothing wrong with me... I wish she could get a taste of this feeling to know shes wrong because it hurts a lot emotionally and physically hurts in my chest. :(
     
  2. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    There is no point in ending your life now or just yet. Once you die you won't be able to experience life anymore whether it is good or bad. Stay around for a while yet, your 22 years old and have much to experience about life yet (hopefully good ones). You have been depressed since middle school, same here it feels like you have been depressed your whole life. Have you been diagnosed with any disorders (bipolar or dysthymia). Have you talked to your husband about your feelings, if you have, does he understand/care? Some therapists don't understand as they don't know what its like to have depression, maybe get a new therapist? Any how hang in there and take care.
     
  3. Crashtesthero

    Crashtesthero Member

    I've been to multiple therapists and other drs who prescribed medicines that just made me worse. I've been diagnosed with depression, then bipolar, then back to depression again. I'm not sure whats wrong with me anymore :/ My husband knows about some of my feelings, he knows that once in a while I feel bad enough to cut myself (which is getting more frequent) he understands and listens most of the time but I've tried to make it seem like I'm having more good days then not because I don't want to be such a downer all of the time. *sigh* I just don't know anymore. He cares very much for me and I know that, I'm just so tired.
     
  4. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    It looks like you have done everything you can to feel better. There may be more options out there (meditation, yoga, classes etc). Keep searching you never know someday you might feel better and look back on life and be glad you decided to stay alive. There are some success stories out there about older people who have gone through hell and come out the other side alive. It feels like its never going to happen to us but there is a possibility. I am 24 and i hate my life everyday. Life sucks and it is a long road that never seems to end. I wish you the best in pulling through this life just like i am trying to live each day. There must be something worthwhile from this miserable existence. I feel your pain.
     
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I don't want to work either, I don't think anybody does. That said, if you are keeping house and doing those type of chores at home while your husband works, then that is a form of working. Marriage is a partnership.

    Do you love your husband? Why would you want to leave him?
     
  6. sadguy33

    sadguy33 Banned Member

    I have never had a girlfriend or anybody that cared about me so thats why I don't give a damn but it sounds like your husband loves you a lot remember that the pain you feel now will be transfered to the people that love you when you die. Do you really want to do that to him? That is why I don't care because the pain cycle will end at me but for you its different your husband will feel even worse then you do now. I mean look at it from his point of view why should he keep living if the person he loves kills herself and he couldn't do anything about it. He wouldn't want to ever date or live again because I mean whats the point if he is going to fall in love and that girl will just kill herself. Just think about him and whether you feel comfortbable putting that burden on him before you do it.
     
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