I've pretty much been having a breakdown for the past few days. There's nobody to call. Nowhere to go. Just wave after wave of pain and torment. Everything feels so heavy. The weight of holding everything inside is crushing. My soul is screaming but I can't let it out or I wouldn't stop.
I long for release. Laying in bed feels like walking a tightrope. I can feel the tension snaking across my face like bony fingers. Under my eyes, across my forehead, behind my ears.
My heart is overflowing with so much regret for a life unlived. Stolen by trauma and lost to time. Everything feels like an impossible dream. But if I am the dreamer, what keeps me asleep?
This can't be my life. But it is. But it can't be. But it is. Back and forth. The never ending struggle, balanced on a knife edge in perfect equilibrium.
The only way to escape is to shed my skin, raw and exposed, and terrifying. I have no strength as I spiral inward, like Alice down the rabbit hole. I tumble deeper, head over heels, faster and faster until the light is but a pinprick.
Here in the dark where the real me lies. A dark soul who carries the pain of a thousand aeons and the memory of a million regrets. It burns in its embrace and I long for it to squeeze tighter until it takes my last breath.
I feel twisted laughter clawing at my throat. I feel the unspoken words ripping my heart. Fool, idiot. Disgusting. Monster.
Monster. I am a monster. I am the monster that I've spent 20 years hiding from, and running from. I've faced it, I've fought it. But I've never won.
It keeps me prisoner inside this tortured body. It relishes my tears. The laughter roars in my head keeping me awake in the night. It's always there from the moment I open my eyes the next day. No escape. Trapped forever with never-ending horrific realisation. I summon what little strength is left in this body-prison to seek my reflection through dissociated mist. The darkness wraps my heart and looks out from behind my eyes. The deafening roar suddenly silenced as I see the real me staring into my soul.
I long for release. Laying in bed feels like walking a tightrope. I can feel the tension snaking across my face like bony fingers. Under my eyes, across my forehead, behind my ears.
My heart is overflowing with so much regret for a life unlived. Stolen by trauma and lost to time. Everything feels like an impossible dream. But if I am the dreamer, what keeps me asleep?
This can't be my life. But it is. But it can't be. But it is. Back and forth. The never ending struggle, balanced on a knife edge in perfect equilibrium.
The only way to escape is to shed my skin, raw and exposed, and terrifying. I have no strength as I spiral inward, like Alice down the rabbit hole. I tumble deeper, head over heels, faster and faster until the light is but a pinprick.
Here in the dark where the real me lies. A dark soul who carries the pain of a thousand aeons and the memory of a million regrets. It burns in its embrace and I long for it to squeeze tighter until it takes my last breath.
I feel twisted laughter clawing at my throat. I feel the unspoken words ripping my heart. Fool, idiot. Disgusting. Monster.
Monster. I am a monster. I am the monster that I've spent 20 years hiding from, and running from. I've faced it, I've fought it. But I've never won.
It keeps me prisoner inside this tortured body. It relishes my tears. The laughter roars in my head keeping me awake in the night. It's always there from the moment I open my eyes the next day. No escape. Trapped forever with never-ending horrific realisation. I summon what little strength is left in this body-prison to seek my reflection through dissociated mist. The darkness wraps my heart and looks out from behind my eyes. The deafening roar suddenly silenced as I see the real me staring into my soul.