Maintaining relationships with people when you're depressed and suicidal

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Jul 7, 2009.

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  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to find out how many people are able to successfully do this. Because up until recently I thought I was, but looking back over my history I have lost on average about 4 friends a year (stopped talking to them because I couldn't handle being around them/disappeared/slowly just stopped calling or agreeing to meet up, or they have just slowly disappeared/stopped calling/agreeing to meet up or in some of the worst cases we've fallen out - usually due to my insane mood swings and me saying or doing something to piss them off massively).

    It's really tragic and I cannot believe how I have disintegrated all of these relationships. I know deep down it's to do with me, they couldn't handle being around me and I couldn't handle being around them either.

    What sort of life am I going to have if people cannot stand my company? Or I can't be around them due to my issues with jealousy and hating being around 'normal' people with their normal happy lives.
  2. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I've lost more friends than I can count. All of them. Except one now. I don't even bother getting attached to people any more because they're only going to either hurt me or go away. :sad:
  3. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm having trouble with this with my new girlfriend.
    She is always wanting to do something and has all these ideas and I'm just like ugh energy? :laugh:. I have no energy to keep up with her... but I'm doing my best. Sometimes it's really tiring. It's probably good for me but at the same time even taking a walk is a big deal for me.
  4. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate to that. I just recently severed the last few ties I had and I won't make any more, there's just no point. :-(

    Spencer, I think it's great that she's getting you out and about. Does she know about your problems and stuff? You could maybe say to her 'can we occasionally have a few quiet nights indoors?' when you can't handle things too much.
  5. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    I can only manage to stay in contact with people who feel the same way I do and even then not very successfully. Both me and my boyfriend are members on SF though and we've now known each other over a year. I think we've managed to last so long because we understand each other better than people without depression. I lost contact with my real life friends two years ago after leaving full time education, my anxiety was too extreme for me to meet up with them in town.
  6. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi D&D,

    I know exactly what you mean. Throughout my depression, especially when its really bad, I really tend to isolate myself. I can't get the motivation to go out or even to call someone and just chat. I overanalyze a conversation that's about to take place to the degree that it takes me hours to decide that it's not worth the effort.

    I am between episodes right now, and I managed to catch up with some of my friends again. Saying that though, I have maybe 4 or 5 friends total who I think I will still be in contact with in a few years or so. Just saying that makes me really sad. Those 5 are the only ones who will really put in an effort to call me when I've been silent for a while. And even when I do see them again, there is always this initial period of awkwardness to get over, like we just met or something.

    I think it takes a lot of effort from both parties to keep a friendship going, so I'd recommend to really figure out who are those that will do as much for you as you'll do for them and focus on them.

    Best of luck!

  7. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    I have no friends left and came close to losing my wife a couple of times. I'm not very close to any of my family either. Not even my kids.
  8. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    What do you mean by successful?
    Right now, my girlfriend and I are trying to get through this, and my only friends who know are two people, one who understands and another who think he understands.
    Its hard to accept that while i can be "friends" with more people, there are just some who can never know and some who have to know.
    Man, relationships are hard little fuckers for sure.
    I just take it once step at a time.
  9. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    You're very lucky to have those people in your life Max, and if I were you I'd make sure you don't do what I did and drive them away but putting yourself and them in awkward situations that they can't handle (like breaking down in front of them etc.) I suppose they can only take so much.
    I'm sure someone out there will say I'm not giving my friends enough credit but this is what has driven most of them away in the past and in the end I just can't be bothered to 'wait and see' if it'll drive future friends away.

    The only good friends I have left now are the ones I don't know and have met online. The ones who haven't had the 'pleasure' of meeting me in reality and seeing what I am really like.
    ...and I think I'd like to keep it that way - it's easier.

    Really sorry to hear about that Jason, you're v. lucky you have your wife around though. :)
  10. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Successful as in still holding strong/firm friendships or relationships.
  11. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    I don't know if any relationship can be called strong, firm, or any other adjective that i can think of. The way I see it, and through my own understanding, is that people are fucking crazy. Composed of innumerable emotions and feelings, I'm getting the feeling that as far as the relationship goes, the connection that people feel to one another, ebbs and flows. Some days might produce a large chip in the line, other days, you add a reinforcement in one place or another. I guess only time will tell, but my relationships with people don't seem strong or firm in the slightest.
    There are these moments of silence, in which we both know that one of us has stepped over ground that can't be rescinded. Its like things have gotten deep, almost too deep to even understand. I dunno, but I just can't see relationships as easily identifiable or describable anymore, and that is that i guess.

    I hope this helps, and Linds, I know the trouble in outside world friends. I broke down in front of my girlfriend, and I felt like I was pushing her away. I know that it was terribly difficult to be that open with her, but I think it was worth it. I'm not saying that it's terrible to only have good friends online, but friends from the outside seem...neccessary somehow.

    If this offends, i apologize, I'm just sharing what I am thinking and feeling right now. I just mean the best of what I say, and hope it helps.
  12. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey Linds,

    I do tend to forget that I have a lot to be thankful for. So thanx for reminding me.

    I must say that I was on the verge of losing them as well, when I decided to not open up so much to them anymore. It's as you say, sometimes they just can't handle it and if it happens once it makes the next time just as uncomfortable. I tend to keep my feelings to myself these days, something I know isn't healthy, but I don't want to scare them away.

    Anyway, if you find a solution - let me know! Best of luck!

  13. this a very interesting topic / question. Especially if you keep to yourself and no-one knows about your feelings. You see, i'm pretty young, just finnished high school, and aside from my 2 year long extremely bad period, i'm pretty good at hiding my feelings/troubles/true personality. The thing i'm getting at is that young people are very very social these days, and 'friends' and the youth society demand that you are aswell. It's hard cause you all prob. know that there is no way in hell to find the energy and will to go out and act social when not mandatory , so for me that means outside of school hours. I can more or less act my way through an 8-hour day but extra activities is asking to much out of me. However,as i mentioned before, it is practically demanded of a teenager to at least now and then do something. I can't always find excuses, sometimes you have no choice. This often leads to stressful situations, especially if you're like me and find it hard to say no sometimes or are afraid to hurt people's
  14. feelings. People don't understand why you're not interested in the leadt or never feel like doin' something. They also don't understand why i find the things they wanna do unimportant/hollow/boring/annoying/scary (yup, all at once and more and a lot :p).
  15. GeekGurl

    GeekGurl Well-Known Member

    I've lost many friendships and a couple of long term relationships due to my depression, there were likely other reasons too, but being ill just causes so many problems and made others impossible to fix.

    One relationship in particular, it still haunts me that I practically chased that person away. they were so great and so perfect and I screwed up so, so badly.
  16. Xaos

    Xaos Well-Known Member

    It's difficult!
  17. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    What you say makes sense to a point Confuzzle, I mean without getting too philosophical, of course people are overly emotional and crazy of course there are ebbs and flows, but with me there seems to be more ebbs then flows with people who.
    And when it's just ebb, ebb, ebb, ebb, ebb... do people stick around? Not for long.
    I think it's great that you were honest with your girlfriend and it sounds as though she loves you and wants to understand, so yes - you are clearly maintaining normal relationships with normal people, in spite of your depression. Which is great. I wish I knew the secret.

    I know we need people in the real world, it goes without saying. But I am coming to the realisation that I am never really going to be able to form a close relationship with someone who doesn't 'get it/me'. Maybe you have never lost anybody because of the way you act, I suppose until that happens you'll never really know how it feels. :(
    Someone saying they understand and then saying they just can't take it/you anymore. Hurts a lot.

    Obviously some of us experience this differently then others. You said some people don't need to know. But anybody you intend on being close with HAS to know, surely?

    Geek Gurl I so get that, I've done that to someone who I can never get back and it kills me.

    I feel for you Gaara also, I mean... I'm in my mid 20s but I remember my teens. Peer pressure was at it's height! It's still there right now, but I can say no a lot easier than I could when I was 17, and I suppose I care less about what people will think if I do say no, whereas back then it would've affected me really badly.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2009
  18. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    Ever since I dropped out of full time education I have practically lost all my friends and "friends". One or 2 did make some effort but I just haven't made the effort back because i've realized we're so different and I find it awkward being with them now, especially because they're the extremely social types and eveytime I refuse to go out with them I get asked why and I kind of feel like I'm being judged because I'm not 'normal' and they probably just think I'm lame and need to get a life.
    But they don't understand that it's stressful for me and that I suffer from bad anxiety and it's just so much easier staying in on my own anyway. So I'm not bothering with them anymore.
    The only actual relationship I have now is with my boyfriend. But it's very rocky and on/off because of me, because it's hard to keep up with someone else's needs when you're going through so much yourself and because I don't want to burden him further..and it's hard. The amount of times I've broken up with him...all in the space of 5 months. I find it hard to have a stable relationship with him because he's also a very social person..and i'm just simply not, although maybe I would be if I was 'okay'. He does try to understand but I think he just expects me to forget about everything and just go out with him all the time and put myself in stressful situations..and I feel like I can't do that so I keep debating with myself whether or not I should just end things for definite for both our sakes..coz I'm probably not much fun to be with and I certainly don't enjoy socializing in big groups (I have social phobia) and doing the things he usually does, but we have an amazing time when it's just us and mainly when we're just inside or just somewhere I'm comfortable in, but I don't think that's healthy and I think he'll get sick of it sooner or later, though I am trying to change that and force myself to go out with him more, I know it'll be really hard and I wonder if it's even possible. It's just fear I suppose.
    Wow this is kinda long and it doesnt even make sense lol but basically no I don't have any stable relationships. :sad:
  19. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    i've lost a bunch of friends.

    mainly, i think that it's because they're changing and maybe starting a new. out with the old, in with the new kinda thing
  20. I have lost so many people due to depression. My mother, my siblings, my X husband, my kids, my boyfriend and even myself. It is funny cause I want people in my life but yet when they are there I push them away. I feel I am doomed to be alone and that thought depresses me even more. I often wonder what the point is any more. I guess I feel that if I can't stand to be with myself then why the hell would they?! It is really tough with kids cause you have to put on a good act to convince them that you are fine, you can't burden them with your problems they are kids, they don't deserve that bull in their life. I honestly don't think you can have a good healthy relationship with any one in this state.
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