Hi, I really need some help/advice right now. I had a really stressful life growing up, but being busy with high school etc friends distracted me. Family problems, insecurities over not just self image, but growing up with a perfectionist mother that constantly expected me to be perfect, and a sister who always pushed me away and used me slowly harbored a growing anxiety and low self worth within myself. I would always self reflect and try to grow and stay open minded, what can I do to fix myself etc... Sometimes feeling hopeless like I'm just a good for nothing monster. Never acknowledged for my efforts or the good things I do, but rather for what I'm lacking in. I've always been very shy and never talked to anyone or got help for my problems. Summer before my first year of college I got a part time job, I lost a lot of weight around that time. Would get sick from stress where I couldn't eat for days and would just get the worst nausea and migraines, my mom then said I should quit the job and focus on school. I got good grades that semester, same as the next where I focused fully on school. But my mom has mood swings so you never know when she will attack you with negativity or when things will be normal fine and either decent or happy. She'd always accuse me of not studying she'd frown on my way of doing things even if the way I was doing things worked for me and allowed me to learn and do well in school and stay happy, which is allowing some time for me to play games, and also some time to study. Last year fall, I dumped my first boyfriend after having been taken advantage of. I didn't realize how much I did for him, while how little he did for me until it tired me out and friends and my mom started to point it out. We were together for almost 2 years, I treasured him and pampered and babied him, valuing his birthdays and holidays to get him presents and shower him with love. He was always there with me physically, sometimes emotionally. But I felt a relationship can't stand on that alone. I helped him a lot financially while he couldn't even couldn't even be considerate of me. Even if he didn't have money which he did because I helped drive him to work almost everyday. He could have done thoughtful things for me that didn't require money. Even just being considerate and not asking me to pick him up from work, and make me wait 1~3hours in the parking lot everyday because he'd agree every time to work later. He could have just expected that and told me to come later. But even then I was sacrificing my sleep while I was in college staying up till 3-4am to get him only to go to class the next morning. I tried bringing it up to him, but we just argued so eventually I finally let go and left him. It actually made me feel more free. I got in shape by walking a lot and eating healthy after that because I gained weight when with him. I felt so happy now. I made more friends was taking classes I liked. (This was last year fall now) I'd study in the morning take classes in the evening and come home and rest play games at night. My mom worked early and would only be home in the evening/night. So she'd only see me playing games. I had to commute to school so I'd walk for 20minutes and a 1 hour bus ride, not including however long I had to wait for the bus everyday (that's 1 way, double it for the way home). 3 hours commuting, and each class 2.5hours long. I had 1 class a day, so I'd be our for about 6 hours. When I get home I'd be tired and hungry because it's hard to eat when I'm out I'd have to carry whatever food I took because I couldn't afford to buy food out. I was so happy and felt so pretty at the time, I felt fit and healthy until 1 day it started backfiring. I'd feel weak and tired. The insomnia I had my first semester of college while working which is why my mom said it's better if I don't work at the same time because I'd have night terrors that I was still at work and having to help customers. I don't know why I had those. I didn't have night terrors this time, but I'd constantly wake up in the middle of the night or I'd take me forever to fall asleep. I couldn't focus in class anymore I couldn't focus to study at home anymore my mind felt so jumbled and tired and unfocused. I started to fall behind. My mom already since near the beginning of the semester would wake me up EVERY morning just to yell at me that I don't study. Maybe that started to catch up with me and affect how I worked. I couldn't help it. As much as I didn't want to let it get to me it bothered me that she'd accuse me of not doing something I was doing. I know she only judged based on what she saw even though I told her I studied in the morning.. To get away from this I loved doing things I enjoyed, talking to friends playing games with them, sometimes not often Id go see friends or go to a friends house to hang out or play games. I never drink or do drugs. I just love playing online games, or games on consoles. I'd hide in my room from her screaming with my headphones in, playing games to escape the anxiety I get. This was my escape when I was younger. I started focusing less on school and more on trying to feel better. I dropped 2 classes and failed my last. College was my time to change my habits and do better and study more and I screwed it all up. I worked so hard the previous 2 semesters. In high school I only failed 1 class at another really low year of my life (sophomore year) where I gained almost 60 pounds, that I ended up losing within the next 2-3 years. After this terrible semester where I completely f'ed up.. I signed up for classes the next semester I was put on credit card hold, and thought it was because I failed the semester before or something.. I couldn't drop my classes I gained back weight I felt so low, I felt ugly and stupid. I felt worthless this year I contemplated my life dozens of times. The most I ever did in my life. I'm scared the faint thought that I've had throughout my life slowly will become stronger if things don't get better. I've been at the lowest point in my life I'd feel this year. I used to think the screaming and arguing with my mom when I was younger felt so terrible, but I had things to distract me. This year I ended up not attending school. I stayed home and isolated myself from everything there were a few months where I never left the house not even once. I gained almost 20lbs back, not even from overeating. But not exercising anymore and not eating healthily... I guess. Id stay home cleaning the house for my mom and cleaning up hoards of mess she built up over the years because she finally got a boyfriend this year after my dad had passed away 11.5 years ago. I was happy for her. I felt lonely a lot because not only did she get a new job where she wouldnt be home till 7pm at least everyday, now her free sundays and nights would go to her boyfriend. I didn't ask or expect any of her time. Just once and a while I'd like it. I was thinking my birthday at least she should spend with me, she said we could watch movies together on TV, but she ended up on the phone with her boyfriend since she got home... She even complained about getting me a cake. I didn't ask for presents or anything, just a simple cake. She argued and said I should go get it with her for days, but I hate leaving the house so much. I hate putting on clothes that used to feel comfortable and now feel so excruciatingly tight reminding me of how fat I've gotten. I hate looking at my face in the mirror trying to make myself look or feel presentable and no matter how much makeup I put on it doesn't change how ugly I feel or how fat I feel, how worthless I feel. My mom didn't spend mother's day with me either.. I figured she'd spend it with her only daughter who has stuck by her throughout everything, but she spent it with her new boyfriend. Because I was upset by this she said she'd spend father's day with me.. she didn't then either, and said she didn't promise such a thing... I felt so hurt so alone. I do so much for her. I care for her health and even though I don't go out and buy groceries anymore I used to always buy healthy foods and make her healthy meals for her to live long and care for her diabetes. I still tried to cook for her once and a while this year, but instead I usually spent time cleaning up after her and her hoards of mess so the house is presentable incase she wanted to invite her boyfriend over. Which she wanted my help on. It took me months to clean, and it's finally done.. Once it was done she screamed that I never do anything never clean, that I just sit around... The same as before.. She says she has to do everything herself. It's so frustrating for me, all my life no matter how hard I've worked and had to deal with my own insecurities and problems too, living up to my moms expectations never to be acknowledged for my work, and in fact the opposite she'd accuse me of never having done anything.. I felt so worthless this year the most ever. I feel stupid I failed college I feel untalented, I feel ugly, I feel fat, I feel useless. Life has never felt so hard. It's hard to see a future for myself. I feel like I'd never succeed. I feel scared. Always comparing myself to others, people are always better out there, how could I ever compare. There are prettier girls, smarter girls, confident and talented girls. These young girls my age or even younger already successful straight out of high school. My childhood was great when my dad was here we were financially well off able to travel every few years. After he passed away from cancer we almost never traveled except for the first few years one time to see my aunt and another my godmother. I miss that happiness in my childhood. Though I don't brood over it anymore. I just want a better future a happy future a successful future. I have so many insecurities though, like I have a big head for a girl... I'm tall for a girl, bigger than a lot of guys. I don't have a pretty body because I used to be fat and the weight loss ruined a lot of things for me. I can't have the natural beauty a lot of girls have and they have the perfect looks for societies standards. Yeah I know they have their own insecurities too, but I'd rather much have what they have than what I have... I've lost the meaning of life. What's a life where you're stupid, ugly, unsuccessful, and has no one that cares about you enough to want to do anything for you. I've tried talking to my mom about my problems so many times but she just brushes them off acts like I should just get over it, she doesn't know how real it is, how scary things are for me. The thoughts of wanting to just end all the suffering, secretly crying in my room all the time wondering. Life is scary, it rides off connections friendships relationships talent success looks and I've never had a super close best friend. Maybe because I'm ashamed of who I am, I get scared to open up or to reach out to people. Now this semester is coming and I can't sit around do nothing anymore... I wish I could for a bit longer. I really want help, I know I should talk to my doctor for a therapist I'm just so embarrassed and scared. I have to either get a job or go to school. I found out the classes I signed up for earlier this year, but didn't drop and never got FAFSA for stayed on my transcript and I got fails for them all even though i never attended them. I know it's my only fault. I couldn't drop them because I was on credit card hold, but I got too scared to leave the house and I tried e-mailing to solve problems.. But it just wasn't sufficient. Now because 2 semesters in a row I've failed I'm on academic probation. I don't understand why it became like this because any class I've ever attended would always drop people who don't show up. I'm so stressed over this I won't be able to afford going to school anymore. I don't know whether this will be permanent or not... I really hope it doesn't ruin my transcript. I don't know what to do. My mom says I could just work for a while, but I need to go to school and not fall behind for too long. I need to be able to study and get a degree and get a job to sustain myself for life. I don't want to be living on the low forever emotionally and financially. I want a nice life where I can travel or have the money to do things I like or afford things I like. With my mind the way it is right now none of that seems possible, nothing seems possible. Time feels so short, I'm scared to even work because I feel so ugly. I sweat easily... People will look down on me.. My house became infested with fleas, and I've been vacuuming and trying to treat it so often but because I have 2 cats they just seem to never leave, my ankles alone have over 30 bites on each ankle... It looks so ugly I can never show my ankles... another stress. A urine sample at the doctor also diagnosed me with some level of kidney damage, I always feel weak and tired. I might even have diabetes because of how I abused sugar in hard times. My grandparents and parents all have/had diabetes. I have ugly private parts, I have body hair.. a big head, big face. I'm so hideous. One of my teeth even is going black now because I injured it in the past. I gained back a bunch of weight this year.. Just everything felt like it was going downhill, I failed school. I wish I had a best friend or friends or boyfriend I could do a ton of things with and talk about everything to. I constantly think my life isn't worth living. I see no future, when I feel super low I want to just end it. I'm scared the feeling has become stronger and eventually I'll do it.. I need help. I want to be able to afford plastic surgery, maybe to make my chin smaller. To fix the scars being overweight left me. Lift the saggy boobs from rapid weight loss. Laser my body hair. How can I afford it with so many bills. I'm sorry I wrote so much.. I know it's a lot to read it doesn't even cover everything or my past because I decided not to let my past affect me anymore, but trying to fix what has happened to me recently. I just don't know what to do anymore I'm scared. I'm scared to fall behind in school for my friends to see what a failure I am. For people to judge me on my mistakes.. All of this its so much.