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Major Strange Relationship Problem

#1
So after the difficulties I’ve had over the years, despite the issues with covid this year I’ve actually had an incredible time. I met a girl in January, and from January-March, in those three months we had lots of dates and spent lots of time together. Then throughout lockdown we continued to talk every single day and it was amazing. Then from July up until now we have had lots more dates and spent incredible times together, we have been officially together for five months and I couldn’t be happier.

I let her know about all my problems in the past and how I feel about myself at times and it hasn’t fazed her, she’s so supportive 🙂I have one major snag though. Throughout all these dates and everywhere we go I wear shoes, be it trainers or smart shoes even when around the house, she thinks it’s because I’m uncomfortable walking around without shoes in because I only have them off for bed or showers. The real reason is I have two and a half inch height increase insoles in the shoes I wear, people always comment how tall I am. The reality is I am actually average height. When she finds out I will go from being the tall guy she was attracted to, when in reality I’m simply average. Also of course it’s a huge lie I’ve told which is possibly going to cause issues.

I appreciate this is an incredibly strange thread to make, perhaps even one that might get laughed at. I’ve been pulling the wool over peoples eyes with this for so long, now I don’t know how to pull myself out of the hole I’ve dug. Wanted to see if anyone could advise on how to go about telling her, I strongly believe this will end the whole relationship and I feel absolutely broken but I have to tell her because she deserves to know.
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#2
Hey there @Sawyer10 ,

That does seem to be a bit of a tricky situation to be in. Thing is though, sooner or later she'll find out one way or the other. I'm thinking it's best for it to come from you. The fact that you have spent so much time together, chatting about many things including your past problems and yet here she is still being supportive should speak volumes.

If she drops you because you happen to be of average height, then that could be indicative of a level of shallowness on her part. If she's genuine, then she shouldn't be fazed one bit. It's you as a person which should matter, not by how many inches you can tower over someone. Relationships need to be based on trust and honesty for them to flourish, - hey man that's a no brainer. Perhaps maybe in this situation just kick off your shoes and walk around regardless, If she brings it up then tell her your reasons why. You've already mentioned you've told her how you feel about yourself at times, this it seems is another issue and as she has supported you previously, there shouldn't really be any reason not to be fazes by this either.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#3
Hi there
Well this IS a new one.
Frankly I think the relationship just can't go anywhere long term without her knowing the truth right? And the longer you keep this from her the more hurtful it becomes. So there's really only one thing to do here and that's tell her -- and soon. I mean yesterday man.
Sit her down, explain that there's something you've been too self conscious to talk about etc but that you wear insoles in your shoes. Try not to make the hugest deal about it like she's going to break it off with you or that you've been this master lying nut. If she's a wonderful girl like you say then she'll see that it's just something about you she didn't know and there's no reason to make more out of it than you have.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes ok?
 
#4
Hi guys Thank you for your advice and support. Even when not posting on here, in my darkest days I’ve found a lot of posts that have helped me just from reading them. I appreciate that it’s an incredibly strange situation this one and I don’t blame absolutely anyone for finding it unusual. Height has always been an insecurity of mine and I found a solution, where people commented on how tall I became (I was 19/20 when I first wore the insoles so it could be passed off as a growth spurt, I gradually increased the size of the insoles).

This girl is incredible, she has supported me when I told her I’m epileptic, when I told her parts of my skin are discoloured from self harm and when I told her about my mental health issues. On top of that I’ve ended up beating depression with a lot of help from her and I’m just terrified what could happen here when she sees who I really am. It’s made all more difficult that I’m really close with her mum and four siblings aswell as other members of the family, who’ve all commented on the height differences as being quite “cute”. I stay at her mums house quite a lot, with her siblings and particularly around Christmas, I know we will be sitting around in the festive spirit and wearing trainers will be hugely strange.

I think I’ve just convinced myself that I can forever hide it when in reality the truth will always come out. Best thing to do as you guys say, is when I see her one to one show her the insoles in the shoes and take them out and show her my normal height. How on earth I’ve managed to hide it this long is unreal but I have to just show her now it’s gone on long enough.
 

Dark111

Scholar's Mate
SF Supporter
#5
So after the difficulties I’ve had over the years, despite the issues with covid this year I’ve actually had an incredible time. I met a girl in January, and from January-March, in those three months we had lots of dates and spent lots of time together. Then throughout lockdown we continued to talk every single day and it was amazing. Then from July up until now we have had lots more dates and spent incredible times together, we have been officially together for five months and I couldn’t be happier.

I let her know about all my problems in the past and how I feel about myself at times and it hasn’t fazed her, she’s so supportive 🙂I have one major snag though. Throughout all these dates and everywhere we go I wear shoes, be it trainers or smart shoes even when around the house, she thinks it’s because I’m uncomfortable walking around without shoes in because I only have them off for bed or showers. The real reason is I have two and a half inch height increase insoles in the shoes I wear, people always comment how tall I am. The reality is I am actually average height. When she finds out I will go from being the tall guy she was attracted to, when in reality I’m simply average. Also of course it’s a huge lie I’ve told which is possibly going to cause issues.

I appreciate this is an incredibly strange thread to make, perhaps even one that might get laughed at. I’ve been pulling the wool over peoples eyes with this for so long, now I don’t know how to pull myself out of the hole I’ve dug. Wanted to see if anyone could advise on how to go about telling her, I strongly believe this will end the whole relationship and I feel absolutely broken but I have to tell her because she deserves to know.
I understand where you're coming from, Sawyer. Many women do have a thing about height when it comes to guys they'd date.You may be familiar with that famous experiment where they had this shorter than average guy, and no matter how professionally successful, financially well off, highly intelligent & socially well connected the guy was, height was a deal breaker for all the women in the group. BUT having said that, this was before any of the women got to spend any significant amount of time with the guy and get to know all other aspects of his personality and what he had to offer. The only reason I mention this at all is because there is good reason for doing what you did.

In your situation, however, you have already spent a lot of time together and have built a genuine rapport and seem to really enjoy each other's company. Thus, would you say your relationship has now moved beyond the point of this type of physical preference? Don't get me wrong, I do understand your feelings of deception and not being up front, but do you really think, if explained reasonably and with a little bit of self-deprecation, that would jeopardize the relationship altogether?
 
#6
I understand where you're coming from, Sawyer. Many women do have a thing about height when it comes to guys they'd date.You may be familiar with that famous experiment where they had this shorter than average guy, and no matter how professionally successful, financially well off, highly intelligent & socially well connected the guy was, height was a deal breaker for all the women in the group. BUT having said that, this was before any of the women got to spend any significant amount of time with the guy and get to know all other aspects of his personality and what he had to offer. The only reason I mention this at all is because there is good reason for doing what you did.

In your situation, however, you have already spent a lot of time together and have built a genuine rapport and seem to really enjoy each other's company. Thus, would you say your relationship has now moved beyond the point of this type of physical preference? Don't get me wrong, I do understand your feelings of deception and not being up front, but do you really think, if explained reasonably and with a little bit of self-deprecation, that would jeopardize the relationship altogether?
You make an excellent point, I think initially I had this idea I’ll date her and obviously having a date you just wear your shoes and can easily fake height, hoping to look good. I had no idea we would both end up liking each other as much as this. I do feel extremely guilty that I’ve deceived her like this, it’s also going to have to be explained to her family and friends that I’m actually not tall, as they’ve all met me. She may well end up looking silly in front of everyone and these people may dislike me for deceiving her and I’ve put a lot of effort into having good bonds with her friends and family. I am aware I have to sort this, just got to try to hope they can come round to the idea of what I actually physically am. It’s the nature of the situation with it being so unusual that will make this all so difficult.
 

Rockclimbinggirl

SF climber
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#7
I do feel extremely guilty that I’ve deceived her like this, it’s also going to have to be explained to her family and friends that I’m actually not tall, as they’ve all met me.
Do you think that they will notice?

I think that telling her as soon as you have the time to would be a good idea. Do you know if height even matters to her?
 

Dark111

Scholar's Mate
SF Supporter
#8
You make an excellent point, I think initially I had this idea I’ll date her and obviously having a date you just wear your shoes and can easily fake height, hoping to look good. I had no idea we would both end up liking each other as much as this. I do feel extremely guilty that I’ve deceived her like this, it’s also going to have to be explained to her family and friends that I’m actually not tall, as they’ve all met me. She may well end up looking silly in front of everyone and these people may dislike me for deceiving her and I’ve put a lot of effort into having good bonds with her friends and family. I am aware I have to sort this, just got to try to hope they can come round to the idea of what I actually physically am. It’s the nature of the situation with it being so unusual that will make this all so difficult.
Of course, everyone wants to look their best on a first date. But my question is, if you explain this to her, do you think she'll be good humored about it? It's not like you were hiding the fact that you like to do a spot of grave robbing in your spare time :)
 
#9
I do appreciate the replies guys. I’m not so sure it’s such a huge deal, I’m not secretly married or have another girlfriend or a serial killer. Height wasn’t a reason to be with me but it gets mentioned a lot by her and her family how tall I am. With it being my biggest insecurity and with them all bound to realise, it’s a pretty strange problem. Just to let you guys know, she is coming to my house tomorrow, in this house it’s a lot quieter than her house and it’s just us with alone time. So I will be showing her tomorrow what I actually look like. I’m expecting her to lose at least a bit of attraction and feel a bit stupid having to tell her family because they will notice. I will show her tomorrow though, I’m not going to message her about it as I don’t feel that’s right. I’ll show her and deal with whatever happens and hope for the best. Thanks guys.
 

Dark111

Scholar's Mate
SF Supporter
#10
I do appreciate the replies guys. I’m not so sure it’s such a huge deal, I’m not secretly married or have another girlfriend or a serial killer. Height wasn’t a reason to be with me but it gets mentioned a lot by her and her family how tall I am. With it being my biggest insecurity and with them all bound to realise, it’s a pretty strange problem. Just to let you guys know, she is coming to my house tomorrow, in this house it’s a lot quieter than her house and it’s just us with alone time. So I will be showing her tomorrow what I actually look like. I’m expecting her to lose at least a bit of attraction and feel a bit stupid having to tell her family because they will notice. I will show her tomorrow though, I’m not going to message her about it as I don’t feel that’s right. I’ll show her and deal with whatever happens and hope for the best. Thanks guys.
Try not build it up too much. Putting a serious spin on it really sets the tone and inadvertently can make it a lot more tense than it needs to be. I completely get that it's nerve wracking for you, I'm not saying it's not. But remember you're also human and sometimes things just unfold in ways we didn't intend or plan for. You've got this. Let us know how you get on, yeah?
 
#11
Try not build it up too much. Putting a serious spin on it really sets the tone and inadvertently can make it a lot more tense than it needs to be. I completely get that it's nerve wracking for you, I'm not saying it's not. But remember you're also human and sometimes things just unfold in ways we didn't intend or plan for. You've got this. Let us know how you get on, yeah?
I appreciate your help and everyone’s advice massively. Hearing what other people think of the situation has helped me relax a little so I don’t let it spiral anymore out of control than it has. You’ve all been a big help and I’ll be sure to check back in and let you know how it all went. Many thanks guys.
 

Dark111

Scholar's Mate
SF Supporter
#12
I appreciate your help and everyone’s advice massively. Hearing what other people think of the situation has helped me relax a little so I don’t let it spiral anymore out of control than it has. You’ve all been a big help and I’ll be sure to check back in and let you know how it all went. Many thanks guys.
Your appreciation means a lot, you seem like a genuinely decent person. She's a lucky gal :)
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#13
I agree with the comments, honesty is best because at some point she is bound to find out. She sounds like quite a person and hopefully will be understanding. There is a lot of truth in how many women have height as a deal breaker but hopefully not so in her case.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#14
I appreciate your help and everyone’s advice massively. Hearing what other people think of the situation has helped me relax a little so I don’t let it spiral anymore out of control than it has. You’ve all been a big help and I’ll be sure to check back in and let you know how it all went. Many thanks guys.

your approach and demeanour will have an affect on how they receive your news .
shame ,guilt mite come across youve deceived them .being contrite and open about your insecurity should come off better .
I commend you for your honesty .this is not as strange an issue as you think .stature and height in men is rammed down our throats .the word diminutive drives me nuts ,how disparaging can a word be to a man .
Ive got body dysmorphia because of my lack of height ,i buried my issues so deep it ate away at me .buying runners and shoes means i look at the soles ,you know the feeling .
total respect to you and all the best to you.
 

Dwight

Another day gone...one day closer to death...
SF Supporter
#15
So what I hear most of you saying is that size DOES matter. I think that's hogwash. Now that they've developed a relationship & bared other MUCH more serious issues to each other, a couple of inches of height should NOT be a deal breaker. I'd even bet they have a good laugh over it once it's "out there". They could keep it as a joint secret from her family, or tell them he grew up in a neighborhood of basketball players & he just got so used to wearing them to see eye to eye with his mates that he doesn't even think about them anymore! LOL
 
#16
OK guys so my girlfriend just left and I promised to keep everyone updated about the situation so here goes. I decided to calmly tell her, without being too dramatic while we were alone I showed her the insoles in the shoes and explained my mindset and the insecurities that I have which caused me to wear them. I can’t explain how amazing this girl is, she said it’s not as if your leading a secret life, secretly married or have lots of children I don’t know about.

She made me feel so at ease and just spoke to me normally and told me to stop apologising it doesn’t make any difference and it’s completely up to me if I want to tell anyone else. I’m incredibly relieved to have it off my chest and for this girl to brush it off as something that doesn’t matter to her, she loves me and height won’t change that so thank you guys your advice helped a lot.
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#17
OK guys so my girlfriend just left and I promised to keep everyone updated about the situation so here goes. I decided to calmly tell her, without being too dramatic while we were alone I showed her the insoles in the shoes and explained my mindset and the insecurities that I have which caused me to wear them. I can’t explain how amazing this girl is, she said it’s not as if your leading a secret life, secretly married or have lots of children I don’t know about.

She made me feel so at ease and just spoke to me normally and told me to stop apologising it doesn’t make any difference and it’s completely up to me if I want to tell anyone else. I’m incredibly relieved to have it off my chest and for this girl to brush it off as something that doesn’t matter to her, she loves me and height won’t change that so thank you guys your advice helped a lot.
Very nice. That's awesome.
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#18
OK guys so my girlfriend just left and I promised to keep everyone updated about the situation so here goes. I decided to calmly tell her, without being too dramatic while we were alone I showed her the insoles in the shoes and explained my mindset and the insecurities that I have which caused me to wear them. I can’t explain how amazing this girl is, she said it’s not as if your leading a secret life, secretly married or have lots of children I don’t know about.

She made me feel so at ease and just spoke to me normally and told me to stop apologising it doesn’t make any difference and it’s completely up to me if I want to tell anyone else. I’m incredibly relieved to have it off my chest and for this girl to brush it off as something that doesn’t matter to her, she loves me and height won’t change that so thank you guys your advice helped a lot.

Nice one fella, glad it worked out for you
 
#19
Thanks guys just wanted to add, for anyone that struggles and thinks there’s no end in sight or that life has become too much, never ever ever give up. I’ve browsed these forums in my darkest days feeling lost and as I’ve seen in this thread, there are some great people willing to give advice even in the strangest situations.

I know that can be very easy to say, it’s hard to battle when we’re at our lowest but things can always turn out better there’s always hope . Might be the wrong place to post this but I’m so grateful for this forum to have genuine people helping in all situations. Thanks guys.
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#20
I’ve browsed these forums in my darkest days feeling lost and as I’ve seen in this thread, there are some great people willing to give advice even in the strangest situations.
Situation is a situation, it's of equal validity with others if it's creating a negative effect. What may not on the surface seem much to one person, may be a great deal to another, and that, is what needs to be recognised.

Glad you found posting here helpful
 

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