Major TL;DR, suicidal rant with most of my life story.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GreySilence, Sep 27, 2014.

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  1. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    First just let me clarify a few things; I've first been having thoughts of killing myself for at least seven years (I'm 20 years of age at the time of writing this), and it's not just an impulse feeling from something awful happening to me in the not-so-distant past. I've also gone to some friends, vented a bit and the sort, but they didn't seem to know the right words to make me feel better about myself for more than a day or two. It seems that nobody can pull me out of this hole I've created for myself without me slipping right back in. Well, let me get to talking about why I want to die-

    Death- I don't think I deserve it, neither do I really WANT it, but at this point in my life, it seems like the only way to escape from my constant suffering. All my life, I've never really been good at anything that has useful applications. I've got some good qualities, but none of them allow me to support myself financially. I'm sweet, creative, and insightful- but none of those things really help me when it comes to finding my first job. It's a competitive job market, and I've got nothing on my resume worth looking at. I feel as if I'll never get employed in a position where I could support myself, in fact I don't think I could get hired ANYWHERE in general, even some job flipping burgers and the sort. I'm a shy person, very reserved and scared of social interaction. Being so timid, it's hard for me to talk to most people, let alone be assertive enough to land myself a job. I've flunked out of school too many times to count now, tried different things, paid for expensive books that were never even used in class more than once or twice. The job types that seemed to be to my liking were either filled with the types of people that I hated, or simply too difficult to complete the education for. I live in my parent's basement, and my only source of income is my youtube channel with sixty thousand subscribers, but I only make about 200 dollars a month from that and it's not enough if I want to actually support myself. I always hear stories of how it was so easy to find a job "back in the day". If I was born back then, I could actually make a living and be incredibly happy, but nope, here I am in this living hell, why did I have to be born now of all times, in this economic depression.

    Is there no way for a socially-awkward school dropout like myself to make a living? I can't even fit in with anyone outside of my small circle of internet friends. I was bullied from a young age, got a taste of despair that never left my palate. Made a fool of myself in front of the class constantly, failing to react properly in stressful situations, such as being put on the spot. In highschool, I was bullied in my first year after hoping for a fresh start, and that made me an outcast right from the get-go. Who wants to hang out with that kid who just lets everyone else walk over him? That same bully who made me miserable seemed to change a bit over the years, and we actually became something like friends. Nobody else would hang out with the guy, and I would constantly "take one for the team" by sticking with him even though I found him to be rather annoying. Why did I stick with him? I thought he actually turned out to be an OK guy, and I didn't want him to be lonely. After graduation, he went and told some people in my graduating class one of my embarrassing secrets, betraying all the kindness I showed him.

    It was in my 11th year in highschool, I was overwhelmed by the exams coming up, and my dad cut me off from the internet- my only source of happiness in my struggle against my own inability to absorb school material. He also removed the lock on my door, so I didn't have any privacy anymore. I was pretty fed up of being so god awful at school, and my dad cutting me off was the last straw. I barricaded my door and escaped through the window, carrying only a baseball bat and some string. I had brought the bat as a form of defense if someone tried to drag me back to the house, <mod edit - method> I ran off into a little forested area, sat down, and bawled my eyes out till I couldn't cry no more. I felt a vibration from my pocket, and realized I had my phone with me still. I was scared of it being used to track me, and I smashed it with my bat and chucked it deep into the trees. Hours passed, 2 or 3, and my dad found me. I threatened him with the bat by clutching onto it when he got near, and he tried to calm me with his words. Eventually he got me to go with him, I can't remember exactly what he said, but he apologized a lot and the sort if I recall correctly. When I'm back near the house, I see a police car. "Well I'm majorly fucked up now" I thought to myself, I drop the bat and walk back into my house, passing by some officers. I forgot to mention this earlier, but before I barricaded my room, I had an argument with my dad in which at the end of it, I <mod edit - method>, to which he yelled "PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T JUST FUCKING DO THAT". So the police know I'm suicidal, great. I'm driven off to a hospital in the back of the police car, slobbering into my sleeves for the whole trip. When I get there, I'm talking to one of the police officers about random things, like my interests and the sort. He was a real nice guy actually, and was the reason why I didn't end up quite as suicidal for a long time. He talked to me for like an hour, but after that this, for lack of a better word, douchebag psychiatrist lady, sits down to talk to me. This woman asked me questions that made me feel like crap, while at the same time giving me this look.. this look of disgust. It wasn't obvious, but I saw it in her eyes, and her tone of voice. I was being difficult, sure, but what suicidal teenager isn't gonna be in that kind of situation? "do you have a girlfriend" of course not. "do you like yourself" of course not. "why did you run off like that" because I wanted to die, obviously. Useless, like myself, and I don't know why she was given such a job. After all that, my mom was there to pick me up, and we drove home and she talked to me and made me feel a bit better and the sort, saying it was ok if I wasn't doing all that great in school and the sort, and that she'd help me pass my exams. We get home, and I stay locked away in my room (my mom let me re-install the lock) for a couple days. Exams were starting soon, and after I had the courage to come out, my mom helped me study and we managed to get me through my grade 11 exams somehow.

    The summer following my grade 11 exams, I met this girl, Lucy, on the internet. We talked for a couple days, and eventually she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. I was overjoyed, my first girlfriend, so I said yes of course. I liked her a lot too, and we started our days hanging out online together. It was really cute, we'd stay up late for each other because of our differing timezones, tell each other secrets, play video games together. I refused to get a date for graduation, because I was committed to her, and I said I didn't want to go on anything like a date with anyone but her. There were times in the past when she'd get really emotionally unstable, telling me to leave her and find someone better, but I usually was able to calm her down. One of those times, she ended up cutting herself and I was unable to stop her, and she said she was breaking up with me. I felt like complete shit, and I sliced into the upper portion of my left forearm 4 times, the first and only time I drew my own blood willingly. Eventually we both calmed back down and got back together, though. It was after graduation, that I found out that my beloved Lucy was actually.. a guy who was the same age as me. Completely shattered, it was a whole year I was dating her, and it was all a lie. I wanted to kill myself at that moment, but my friends managed to calm me down and give me a reason to live. I did tell some of my real life friends about what happened, one of them was that previous bully- and yeah that was the secret he spread. I cut all contact with the guy, and with Lucy as well.

    I took it easy for a while, just having finished highschool somehow, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was still depressed about the whole "Lucy" thing though, but I gradually got over it. I met this actual girl, Diana, on the internet, and she seemed cool so I talked to her every day. We really got along well, and after being good friends for 2 months, she asked me to be her boyfriend, and I happily accepted as I had already fallen in love with her. We continued to talk every day, never argue about anything, share most of the same interests.. it was a match made in heaven. Unfortunately though, things changed on her end. It was about 10 months since we started dating, and she stopped talking to me all of a sudden. Last words she said before doing so were "I love you saooo much~ talk to you soon <3". Lies. I didn't hear from her for a week, and grew more and more worried. It reached the 2 week point, still messaged her at least once every day sending her something like a link to something funny, or asking if she was all right, asking where she was, but I never got a response. I eventually started to check the obituaries to see if she had died, I was in despair. I tried to find her on facebook, a website I didn't use much, and after looking around a lot I finally managed to find her. She had never shown me her face before, but we had talked in voice on skype. She wasn't all that attractive to me, but I loved her anyway so it didn't matter, and I was fine with it. I noticed that she had some recent activity. Odd, considering I know she got the messages where I said I was crying and worried sick and she never replied.. she'd have to be incredibly cruel to ignore those. I was actually in a college course at this time, and even though I was doing decently, I started to fail. Worried, crying myself to sleep every night, constantly felt sick because of my emotional state. One day during class she texted me, and then when I got home we started to talk. She had fallen out of love with me, this girl I thought I had an amazing connection with, who said she was mine forever and would love me for eternity. If she'd been direct about it instead of breaking up with me the way she did.. it'd have been a lot more cope able. But I was broken, destroyed, by what she did to me. I asked her if she wanted to remain friends at least, and she said yes. A week later, she blocked and deleted me again. I started to cry myself to sleep again. 2 months later, she's back, and she apologized, and for some reason, I'm still her good friend. It might be out of love, but I couldn't say no to her friendship. I don't love her the same way anymore, but definitely as a friend.

    I had to drop out of that class, and after another couple months, I started school again. I'm failing this new course.. I feel unmotivated to succeed, and every time I try to study, nothing sticks. All my bad habits from highschool have really carried on, amplified by the fact that I've had my heart and my motivation crushed.

    And here I am now. A broken boy who's lost the ability to trust people wholeheartedly, is unmotivated, skill-less, and has used up all his chances to get a proper post-secondary education, in a world where a minimum wage job isn't enough to sustain himself, if he was even able to get a job of that caliber. Even if I somehow manage to fall in love again, even with the perfect girl, I wouldn't be able to make her happy with my empty pockets, or raise a family for that matter.

    What can I do to make living seem better than just ending my pathetic existence?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are a man now 20 yrs old ok and it is hard to get into job market i agree but there are ways. You find somewhere you can volunteer to get the job experience you need to get employed. Volunteer work you have time to build up your social skills and your knowledge It does look good on your resume if you are keeping busy working even if it is volunteer work so try that ok With regards to relationships you first have to get yourself strong and stable before entering into a relationship
    Hope you continue to post so others who have been in your position can support you as well.
     
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Have u seen the tv show catfish? Ur not alone in dating online pains. Alot other people were catfished too its easy to be duped online than in real life. I think itll be alright once you find the girl in person thats geniune

    For job market it doesnt matter what job you get just to get your feet wet need to be willing to do amything like working at clothes stores theyre always hiring in retail etc as its a stepping stone in getting better jobs asfew posts requi re few years of retail experience anyhow. Its the willingness of working that seems to be the wall for many people entering th e job market. Not saying ur not willing just seems to be the trend for younger generation ive seen

    Pains you went thru youre not alone I feel same in some things you said.
     
  4. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies, guys.

    I've not seen that show, but I have heard of it. I do think that I won't be dating online again, because even though it might work on my end, it's very uncommon for my partner to actually be ok with being long distance, especially if they've had a taste of an actual real-life relationship before. There's just such a lack of communication in an online situation.

    As for finding a job or getting volunteer work, it's really hard for me. I'm a very shy person, who's scared of talking or being around people. I usually stutter when talking to strangers too, which makes me retreat further into my shell. In order to overcome these fears and habits, I'm going to have to put in a lot of effort, effort which I no longer seem to be able to muster the strength to have. I'm constantly lazy, tired, and depressed, and I feel like it's the hardest thing to crawl out of.
     
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