*Major Trigger* remembering double rape

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by bipolarkitty, Feb 28, 2009.

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  1. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    In January I was driving in downtown and had to stop at an intersection that I hadn't been to in years. Stopping there triggered a flood of memories for me that have haunted me ever since then.

    In June of 1997 a man forced his way into my truck at that intersection, took me to a house and was joined by another man. They took turns raping me at knifepoint.

    I'm told by everyone that I was very lucky to get out of there alive, but it seems so distant to me. I'm at the same time horrified and numb when I think about it. My therapist has me journaling about it, trying to remember the details, associate the feelings with the facts.

    But I'm getting worse. I'm starting to feel very self destructive and at times suicidal. I just don't know how to handle these feelings.

    I'm starting to get upset, so I think what I'm going to do is take several anti-anxiety meds, turn on some music, and clean or something. Take my mind off things, you know?

    I'm sorry if this has triggered anyone. I tried to keep it as vague as possible so as not to.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you went through something so horrific.

    I think it's natural to feel worse. If you think that therapy basically opens wounds that have not healed properly, and then it helps those wounds to heal so that they no longer cause pain. You're in the time where the wound is being reopened and you know what? It's hurts in an unimagineable way. If you can hang on through this, focusing on every minute and getting through that, and keep working with your therapist things things should start to improve. I know that can feel unachievable though, so for now just hang on in there, each minute by minute.

    How are you doing now?
  3. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Hanging in there like you said.

    I'm sleeping a lot, doing a little drinking but not a lot, taking my meds. But I'm having a huge amount of flashbacks. HUGE. They're hard to deal with.
  4. Alais

    Alais Well-Known Member

    I understand about the flashbacks. I'm familiar with the rape thing on repeated ocassions myself from childhood. There are many things that will throw me into a flashback from certain smells to seeing certain types of dwellings. They're a bitch to deal with. I've even had dreams trigger me into a waking flashback. Hell of a way to wake up. But we persevere. My hubby has only gotten slugged once, poor guy. :biggrin: Just know you're not fighting alone. Anytime you want to talk, I'm more than willing.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Have you found anything that helps with the flashbacks? Do you want to talk about them? Sometimes sharing them can help them ease. If you don't want to do it publicly but do want to share them, feel free to PM me. It won't trigger me, or have any negative affect on me (I know some people worry about talking about what happened to them because of how it can affect others), so it would be safe to open up to me if you want to.

    Well done for hanging in there.

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