major venting part 1

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by forever_scarred, May 19, 2010.

  1. forever_scarred

    forever_scarred Well-Known Member

    It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.

    I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

    Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone.

    People have stopped being comforting and being
    along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer.

    You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

    It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right.

    When I was younger crying always seemed to be the answer. Now that I'm older crying seems to be the only option.

    I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts to much to hold on anymore.

    Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone, then to cry all alone.

    I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left.

    I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.

    I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being.

    You look at me and think, 'she's so happy' but there's so much behind this little smile that you will never know.

    What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?

    You can't just hug me and say it's okay because right now... it doesn't feel that way...

    I have a tendency to hurt myself physically, when I'm hurting inside.

    Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me.

    I'm often silent when I am screaming inside.

    Sometimes I feel like nobody has held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or seen to the inside of me. I just say 'oh I'm fine' and walk away. Nobody's ever said to me 'no you're not'.

    Some people try to understand, but nobody can know what living like this is like.

    What's the point in screaming? No ones listening anyway.

    She's not the kind of girl who likes to tell the world about the way she feels about herself.

    They say you need to pray, if you want to go to heaven. But they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.

    The only thing worse then being hated is being ignored. At least when they hate you they treat you like you exist.

    Nothing can stop me now because I don't care anymore.

    In that one instance I hated everyone in my life, everyone and everything, and me most of all.

    I'll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions.

    Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words left unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeated inside my head.

    I've been a loser all my life. I'm not about to change. If you don't like it, there's a door. Nobody made you stay.

    If you hold back your feelings because you are afraid of getting hurt, you end up hurting anyway.

    Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels.

    When you quit fearing pain, when you learn to love the pain, you will lose all fear of everything.

    Just because some people don't cry, doesn't mean they're not suffering.

    I used to have many faults, not I have only two - everything I say and everything I do...

    I've come to the point where nothing matters anymore, and things I used to care about aren't worth fighting for.

    If I would kill myself tonight, who would remember me tomorrow?

    No more joy - No more sadness - No emotion - Only madness. I can't see. I don't feel. I can't touch. I don't heal.

    Life it seems, will fade away drifting further every day getting lost within myself nothing matters no one else I have lost the will to live simply nothing more to give.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I;m so sorry you're feeling so bad...
    are you having grief counceling for the loss of your Mum?...
  3. forever_scarred

    forever_scarred Well-Known Member

    I have been...on and off since jan 2008...but nothing helps...just barely talking bout it causes pain and i end up leaving and not going back.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    depression is such a terrible illness sucks all the living out of you
    You are right unless someone has gone thru this they truly do not understand
    That is why i am glad you came here because i understand I too islolate pull away because i can't deal with people. It is easier for me to function on my own but it is so lonely desolate feeling.
    I wish you could reach out and get some medication newer ones out there and try them they help they do ask GP about them also stick with the therapy okay it keeps you somewhat stable.
    Keep reaching out here okay to people that do understand and that do care okay
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    i understand how hard it is to talk about it anathema but sometimes it's the only way to get some of the pain out...I would be gone if it wasn't for my councelor and SF...
    .please get some more counceling and keep talking and venting here...we care ...