major venting part 2

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by forever_scarred, May 19, 2010.

  1. forever_scarred

    forever_scarred Well-Known Member

    The question isn't 'who is going to let me'; it's 'who is going to stop me'.

    And sometimes I have really bad day... when, you know, I just want to hide or scream or bleed or something...

    It's an interesting feeling, really, to scroll through all the numbers in your phone, and realize that there is no one who will understand.

    You see her sitting there and you think 'shes so sad' but its not that shes sad, shes simply given up on pretending to be happy, shes tired of getting up every morning and putting on her fake smile, telling herself 'today will be better'. She doesnt want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore...she has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room she calls her life.

    In reality, I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of smile, gradually

    I'm dying inside. Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly. Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night and turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry.

    I won't leave a note for anyone to find tomorrow they will know what I've done here tonight

    Those feelings that are the most painful are those ones that nobody can explain no quote can describe... and no tears or smiles can make them go away.

    They're the ones that hurt the deepest the ones that last the longest and take forever to forget about sometimes I feel like no one cares. Sometimes I feel like no one is there.

    Sometimes I want to kill myself. Sometimes I think I need some help.

    Sometimes I feel like I'm alone. Sometimes I'm in an empty zone. Sometimes I feel like I'm not alive. Sometimes I wonder if I'm deprived. Sometimes I think the world should end. Sometimes I think I have no friends. Sometimes I want to make them see that sometimes I wish I wasn't me...

    They didn't know that she was planning something. Most people thought she was perfectly fine. She was good at pretending...but some people knew she wasn't okay but they didnt realize how bad it was. She would party every weekend. She was border line alcoholic rarely going 48 hours without being 100% sober. She tried finding comfort in anything even if that ment f@cking some guy she just met one night while she had been drinking. Everyday was going by as a blur. They didn't know that she cried herself to sleep every night. They didnt know that she had practiced cutting herself so many times. They didnt know that she had written and rewritten letters to all the people she cared about most telling them she loved them and apologizing. She even wrote one to the person who was most important to her, who wouldn't understand what had happened because she was to young. She wanted her to know it wasn't her fault and she loved her dearly. They just didnt know. They found her surrounded... in her own blood. They finally knew... they finally realized that she really wasn't okay and the rumors, and the fake friends, and the guys who liked her for all the wrong reasons, and the family, and the lies, and the
    unperfect body that she saw that everyone else thought was close to perfect, had gotten to her. She finally had the courage to press down hard enough... and they finally knew that she planned this.

    One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness. Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying. Nobody knows what's going on with you. How could anybody realize what's happening? Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow. But for you, there's no difference in the days. They pass monotonously. And before you know it, it's all gone.

    As she's breaking down she grabs her razor and she whispers... this time I'm not okay...
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I can hear your pain anathema......:hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You phone your doctor the crisis team who care who listens you talk here as we listen and we can hear your sadness feel the pain We understand we do and you are not alone in this pain you are not. WE are all here with YOU okay so keep talking keep letting the pain and saddness out Posting helps it does so keep doing it okay we are caring and listening. You are not alone