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Make it go away.. Please...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Apr 25, 2011.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I just can't shake these mood swings... I have so much shit going on... :cry:

    So much crap in my head.. My birthday was the 14th.... I got my letter confirming my switch in disability to me Saturday.. My bros death anniversary in on the 28th. His birthday is on the 29th. He died a day before 13 in 2005.. We used to celebrate birthdays together.. There's the day I died on April 10th 2007.. My Aunt had heart surgery on April 8th this year, and no one is telling me anything.. And just everything else..

    And all of this is bringing up so much pain.. I've started imaging people dead when I've gone on walks.. And prior to the day I died in 2007.. I saw similar things.. Just imaging people killing themselves.. At every turn.. Tho this time It's less pressing so far..

    I'm trying to hold it all together.. I've been trying to cope.. I draw pictures, take walks, listen to music, try to get enough to eat, I sleep enough.. But I just.. I do fine for a second.. then I just remember one thing and it all comes crashing down again.. Sometimes I want to just curl in a ball and hide.. Just lay there and die..

    I'm sorry to anyone I may have hurt in chat or otherwise.. my mood swings are very rapid and strong.. I don't mean to hurt anyone.. :blub:
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi DB...just wanted to say I care and that I am here should you want to talk...big hugs
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I wish you weren't stuck in such a hell zone of hurt Dragon Blood. I too despise this month and truly believe that T.S. Eliot said it best, 'April is the cruelest month.' If only I could offer you some words of wisdom to help you get through the trying time. What I do know is this: I'd love to have half your courage to deal with such difficult matters. Best wishes!
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I wish I could take all that pain away from you swift. You don't deserve it... :hug:
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Thanks.. Just seems no matter what I do.. I can't feel good.. :cry: Wish I knew what would help.. I'm trying hard to not harm myself.. I can't handle a hospital.. And I don't think they would admit me anyway.. I've been there way too much for attempts and shit.. they don't care anymore.. :blub:

    I don't know what to do... I guess I see my therapist at 4pm today.. I don't know what to tell her.. I want help.. But I can't stand being watched or put into a hospital or medications.. They all trigger me to traps and shit.. It would only make it worse... :cry:
  6. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    sorry about your mood swings swift they are awful things to try and control ,april is obviously a horrible month for you
    ive seen some of your art and its good i like your avatar its very abstract if thats the art word im thinking of lol
    music is good i usually blast it through headphones to drown out my thoughts and walking is fine but sometimes too quiet right??i usually hide behind sunglasses or caps if i go walking
    im glad your seeing your therapist today maybe you could write somethings down seal it in an envelope ask her to read it ?its so much easier than face to face