Make it look like an accident

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by LunaSea, Mar 12, 2007.

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  1. LunaSea

    LunaSea Member

    I am posting here because I feel the need to have someone other than myself read my last legacy. I am quite a bit older than most of you here. I am 53 years old, married, and have three children in college. I lost my professional job last year and have been desperately searching for over eight months for a new one. I have applied to well over 200 firms without so much as even one interview request. Believe me when I say that age discrimination does exist!

    In any case, the money in our family is finally running out, and we cannot afford to send our children back to college next semester, among many other things. We have incurred over 30,000 in debt since I have been unemployed, paying for healthcare, the mortgage, several car payments, insurance, and general living expenses.

    I have a 2 million dollar life insurance policy. It does not pay for suicides. I must make my death look like an accident with no questions asked. This is the only recourse I have to leave to my children. No one knows about this except you, the reader and me. My family is blissfully ignorant of my plan, of course.

    As much as I hate to die in a car crash, this seems like the best way to make it look like an accident. I will tell my husband I am going to dinner with some collegues to discuss a possible job opportunity. I'll arrainge this little get together next week. After dinner, I'll stop at the bar for a few drinks ( not too many, if they do an autopsy, I don't want my blood alcohol levels to be suspicious to the insurance company so they won't pay for blatant drunk driving) to calm my nerves, then drive myself into oblivion ( I've already chosen a bridge abuttment that is on my way home, where I can build up enough speed to cause a crash that I won't be able to live through).

    Somehow, I feel that writing this is finally making it real, and I feel almost a sense of relief. Only a stranger will know my secret intentions, and that is all I need to know. My family will be able to collect and not have to suffer the stigma of suicide.

    Take care.
     
  2. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    If the insurance company is at all suspicious it's highly likely they will find this post and find out you were a suicide. Then your family will have nothing, no money, no mother, no wife. Your family will suffer it you kill yourself. No amount of money could make them happy if they lost you. I know no amount of money could replace my mother. Please reconsider.
     
  3. Fluffy

    Fluffy Well-Known Member

    I would agree with Malcontent - please, please reconsider this. No amount of money, material possessions or time at college could compare to losing a loved one. It's not as simple and clear-cut as 'suddenly your family will have money and it will all be fine' - the grief will tear them apart, your children most likely would not feel able to continue at college. Also there is the other factor of remembering that it is basically impossible to pull off making something seem like it was an accident when it is not. Think about that, your insurance company are not going to pay out $2million dollars without a heck of a lot of investigation, autopsies - they would soon know from the mechanism of the 'accident' that it was anything but that, and they would not pay out, so not only would your family have lost you but they would not have the money you had intended either. I understand it is a terrible feeling to feel like you should be able to provide for your family, but you are unemployed. It may feel like you are letting them down, but you are not. What WOULD be letting them down would be killing yourself, depriving your husband of a wife, your children of their mother. Imagine if the insurance company were to conclude a verdict of suicide - imagine how that would feel for your family? Please think about this, and take care of you. x
     
  4. LunaSea

    LunaSea Member

    I realise the investigation of my death would be extensive. That is why I am using a remote gateway to the internet and I will eliminate my web email address through which I created just to log onto this forum. I do have a few drinks when I go out. Like I said, I would not be drunk driving, the alcohol is just enough to keep me under the legal limit. I have no history of depression. I have never sought psychiatric counselling - ever. I believe all bases are covered. What insurance company would consider risking the bad press of denying a grieving widower and his children the money they have invested in paying these outrageous premiums for the past 15 years? I could see if this was a new policy, but I have had it for many years. I don't see how this could go wrong, except for one thing. That is, if I happen to live through the crash. I do have death and dismemberment on the policy, but the dismemberment will only pay for my hospitalization costs, leaving my family under an even worse burden, especially if I am in a coma. This is the only thing I don't have a back-up for. I have several collegues that are physicians, but none who I trust to give me a lethal injection if this should happen. If I told anyone of what I am considering, the entire plan is blown to hell. After all, the maximum amount of people who can keep a secret is three....provided the other two are dead!
     
  5. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Even with a gateway, experts could still trace this to you. And being so rich, insurance companies can afford to hire the best investigators. The insurance company would not pay out, bad press or not.

    It feels like you've shut yourself off from the emotion of what you're contemplating. You don't mention how your children and husband would feel at your death. Forgive me if I'm prying, but I suspect you have a lot of intense emotions held deep inside that you have never learnt to express. Wouldn't getting help with that be better for you and your family than killing yourself? Please don't kill yourself, it's highly unlikely that this plan will work and you will have died for nothing. Live for yourself and your family instead.
     
  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Dear LunaSea, I totally understand where you're coming from. But believe me when I say, your life is worth more to your family than the money. Besides, the risk of the insurance company not paying the money, is high.

    Please think it over again. There must be other options...

    Sending you many hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  7. LunaSea

    LunaSea Member

    I think I'm going to have to take that risk. I do realize that there is the possibility I will be alive with severe damage if the crash fails. In the absence of a suicide note, it will just be an unfortunate accident in the eyes of my husband and children. I realise that I may end up crippling myself and being a burden to my family, if they choose to ignore the "Do not resusitate" clause in our will. But there is also the chance of my success in achieving death, so I will keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak.

    Yes, I know that it is an act of utter selfishness to kill myself, but when the money runs out and there is nowhere to go, it looks like the ultimate sacrifice to me. I realize that I will cause some temporary grief to my family. But it is better that my children have a good future that includes a college education. Right now we are a step ahead of the poverty line and in extreme debt with no way to exist. We mortgaged everything recently so my husband could open his own business. His business will take a few years before it generates any income, but before I lost my job due to the firm closing, I made a good salary.

    Both my parents got ill and died a miserable death from cancer when I was in college. I was devastated, but I returned to the familiar college life in order to ease my grief and prepare a future on my own. My children will not be able to do this without the insurance money from my policy. I have lived my life, but I cannot go on in the misery of unemployment any more, so it is an easy sacrifice for me. Of course the money won't replace being a wife and mother, but it will put groceries on the table, prevent my husband from losing his business, and enable my children to continue at college.

    There IS good from this. Their lives will go on. This it what my focus is, and I know that it is not foolproof, but it is the risk I must take.

    I see no other way out.
     
  8. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Do you think perhaps that the death of your parents in some way laid the seeds of the suicidal feelings you're experiencing now? Do you want your children killing themselves when they are your age because they lost their mother at such a formative times in their lives? Would any amount of money have comforted you when you lost your parents?
     
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    But think of this: what if it does fail to look like an accident and insurance company won't pay the money. Then your family will have no money AND no mother/wife. Then what?
    Think back of your own youth, how it's like to live without a mother.

    There MUST be other ways. Please look into it, there must be other solutions.

    Please do not give up, a mother is someone children look up to, they NEED you. To tell you the truth I'd rather be the poorest girl in the world, but have a mother who loves me. Heck, I'd even live on the streets, if that'd be what it takes to keep her here.

    I do see where you're coming from, like I said, and I think it's beautiful how you would be willing to sacrifice that, but you MUST fight, your family needs you, now more than ever. You have to be strong, if not for yourself, then at least for your husband and children.

    Love is more important than any amount of money in the world.


    And your children could take a break from college to work for a year and pay another year for themselves. I'm sure they'd be more than happy to do so, if that'd mean they wouldn't loose their Mother.


    Please think of this. You need to fight for your family.
    Also please do not walk around with this burden on your own. Talk with your family. They'd appreciate it.


    Sending you many many hugs :hug:
    You can get through this. Love can conquer anything.

    You can enjoy life and the world, even when you're poor, because the best things in life are for free. Walking through the woods, swimming in the rivers, watching nature, listening to the birds, watching the sheep, horses, cows.
     
  10. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    LunaSea;

    I beg you to reconsider your plan. Whether you are discovered as suicide or not your children and husband deserve to have you WITH them and not just as a memory. Can your children not take one year off school to work? Can they get scholarships or student loans?

    When my unemployment ran out after my permanent layoff three years ago I was also destitute and could not get a job in my town. I soon learned that there was little decent employment for me so I created my own work: cleaning houses. I don't make a lot of money but I am employed, and I'm not at the mercy of any ruthless employers. My work is picking up and I'll soon have been at it for two years. I like doing it and my customers like me - I have job security.

    I'm trying to tell you that there ARE ways of earning money, even if it's not what you've usually done. PLease don't kill yourself. Your children are not you and they may not be able to adjust to your absence and go on with their schooling as you did. I beg you to reconsider. By the way, I am fifty five years old and have been depressed most of my adult life, but I am hanging in there with the hope that tomorrow may be better. I stay around for my kids as I know that, circumstances aside, they are better off with me actively in their lives. Please please reconsider.

    least:hug: :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2007
  11. LunaSea

    LunaSea Member

    No, of course money did not comfort me when my parents died. But it DID enable me to continue on in college and finish my degree. The money helped me to be able to relocate upon graduation to a good job. Without the money from my parents estate (small though it was) it was enough to keep me comfortable in my lifestyle. I must admit that I probably would have dropped out if there was no funding for me. I am really quite a weak person, and give up easily. I do not have much stamina nor am I a "go-getter". If there was no money I would have given up right then and there. I don't want this to happen to my children. Nor can I bear the thought of them killing themselves. But I'll be dead, and feeling nothing if all goes according to plan.
     
  12. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think every life is worth saving - EVERY LIFE, and I still wish with all my heart that you'd reconsider your plan...:sad:

    least
     
  13. LunaSea

    LunaSea Member

    Ishtar, I know this. I've been poor and I've been rich, and let me tell you....rich is better.

    I live in the USA, and believe me when I tell you that there is an invisible caste system. You get what you pay for. I know that sounds shallow and weak, for that is really who I am. My power comes from my identity with my profession. I have been doing this for thirty years. I have moved easily from one company to the next with an increase in salary each time. I have never been unemployed. But all that is different now. I am 53 years old. There is active age discrimination here. In the eight months that our company has closed it's doors, 124 of us were out of a job. All but 10 have found good or better jobs. The 10 of us that haven't are all over 50 years old. One has retired. I cannot relocate because of my husband's promising manufacturing business. He loves what he does, but will not turn a profit for several years. Each month that goes by without me having a job incurs thousands more in debt. The unemployment compensation ran out 2 months ago, miniscule though it was.

    So you are telling me that I have two choices. Remain alive, and have my husband harbor bitter resentment toward me for crushing his lifelong dream. Remain alive, and have my children condemn me for ruining their lives because they cannot complete college. (I have taken out loans for their education, we do not qualify for scholarships or grants) These feelings will remain unspoken of course, but deep down, even with love, you know that this is true. No matter how you deny it, the harsh truth is what it is! I will remain their wife and mother, but at the end of the day, I am just the destroyer of their hopes and dreams. My children may indeed be spoiled and accustomed to a good way of life. We will soon have to put our home up for sale. They will be humilated. We already spoke about this. I could see the resentment in their eyes already.

    I'd rather be dead than ruin four lives. Love can only go so far. You can't live on love, but you can live on money.
     
  14. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I myself have no mother, and believe me I'd rather be the poorest girl in the world, but still have my Mother.

    My dad is still here and we have a really bad relationship, yet I'm glad he is still alive, eventhough we don't talk anymore. At least he's still alive and I love him. And I guess deep down I have a feeling he loves me too.

    Moral of this? Life isn't worth SHIT without your parents.
    Did you also consider the idea of your children taking a break from college and working for a year? You and your family can get through this together. Love from child to parent and the other way around is unconditional.
    The chances of people finding out that it was not an accident are REALLY big and if your children would find out about it, they'd be in even more pain for the rest of their lives. They'd blame themselves and probably get suicidal themselves as well. Please reconsider this. There ARE other ways, there must be.

    :hug:
     
  15. LunaSea

    LunaSea Member

    Most people my age are now taking care of their elderly parents, in addition to caring for their own families. Most of their parents are suffering from physical ailments or dementia or both. They feel guilty, but still sometimes complain about the commitment, guilt and exasperation that they face daily. Some of these people have told me that they pray for their parents to die a peaceful death in their sleep, because their lives are reduced to physical and mental caretaking. I miss my parents, but I will always remember them as young, vital people. And I am free from the obligatory burden of caretaking. Because no matter how much you love your elderly parents, they have really become a burden to you now, even though most people never truly admit this to themselves. It is true, but they can't bear to think of people they love as a burden. The love can't take care of feeble parents who can no longer care for themselves. You need time and money to accomplish this task.
     
  16. LunaSea

    LunaSea Member

    I guess there is really no way to rationalize my suicide, except that it is easy to say that love is stronger than death, when you are sitting in a comfortable place. I am not in a comfortable space, nor will I live to be secretly loathed and resented by my husband and children. I have listened for eight months "Did you find a job yet?" "Hey, Mom, you know we can't live like this unless you find a job!" Well, chances are slim to none that I will find a job with a six figure income. My family is used to this level, and living the way we do affords us the luxuries that have become our happiness, shallow as this may be. I can no longer provide this happiness, so I am no longer useful. Love is beginning to fade as it is replaced by resentment and fear.

    Love does not enable us to live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood.
    Love does not provide a good income, which enables us the freedom of choice.
    Love does not conquer all. If it did, my husband and children would not be hounding me daily about how I am responsible for the demise of our lifestyle.
    My husband loves his job, not me. He is grateful that I enabled him to live his dream. Gratefulness is not love.
    I am only an open wallet to my children. They are comfortable having a Mom to do their laundry and feed them when they come home, but they love my money more than me. They always say this when we argue.

    Yes, I am sad and desperate, and yes, I am really tired of living like this, but from where I am now, I see no way out.

    My husband and children will hate me when we finally have to sell our home, and perhaps many of our possessions as well. It is easy to love when a family is comfortable and has everything they need. My family is not used to sacrifice, and this is my fault for spoiling them. When the rich become poor, the devastation is too much to handle. Blame falls completely onto my shoulders, and there is no way out.

    I am a failure, and as such, have become useless to my family. Money and our source of a happy life will be gone because of me. I cannot bear this much longer. There must be hope that my death will provide something, anything. From where I am I don't see much of a future for myself, anyway.

    My husband will happily remarry. He's always telling me that he wants to trade me in for two 26 year olds. He can easily get a nice young trophy wife when his business becomes successful.

    My children will get over me, eventually. And I will never have to get old, feeble and demented and become a burden to them when they are my age.

    If there is no suicide note, then there is no suicide. There is just a regular old death. No questions asked.
     
  17. lilboyblue

    lilboyblue Well-Known Member

    Luna,

    You stated above that your husband started a new business, why not wait and see what comes of that?

    insurance companies have very smart people working for them, whose job is to find reasons to NOT pay claims. they have lots of experience and they will figure out it was not an accident. you would be better off going to a casino.

    and for failed attempts - trust me on this - the disfiguring results are not worth it.

    I am truly sorry that you hurt so bad that this seems like your only option, but its not.
     
  18. subzero

    subzero New Member

    How harrowing this is reading........ please re consider. i wish i had a parent that cared so much for their children.... If you choose to go ahead with this, you are going to seriously traumatize your children and husband. Financial institutions exist to help people out in situations like yours.....its just a matter of finding the most facilitating one for your needs

    Please please do research into it..... and talk to your husband about it... there's is no point throwing away your families happiness. your husband would feel so so betrayed...

    I could guarantee, your husband would choose you over his business any day...... just talk to him... its not healthy keeping stuff from partners...
     
  19. LunaSea

    LunaSea Member

    I could never speak to my family about any of this. Believe me, my husband would use this against me as an excuse to get me committed to a mental institution. Like I said, he is in love with his business, not me. He certainly does not hate me, he is grateful for a wife who used to earn a high salary. He was able to buy a nice car for himself and a small sailboat. He would NEVER chose me over his business. I know because since the money stopped, he has every excuse not to have sex with me anymore. The only conversation we have is about my not being able to get a job, and all the things I am doing wrong. If I am out of the picture, I'm sure he would either find a nice young trophy wife or another lonely Sugar Momma to marry.

    It seems that most people on this board are quite young, and still idealistic about the ideas of marriage, from your responses. Of course this is refreshing to me, but at the same time, makes me even more concerned about how bad my life choices were.

    I feel that death is near and I want someone, anyone to read my life story. If for nothing else, not to make the mistakes I have made. I married my husband not for love, but because I was so alone. He was the first man in my life. I never had any boyfriends in high school or college. I was sad and painfully shy. He was the first man that came along, so I married him when I was 27. He was a bit younger, fresh out of school, and I already had an apartment and a good job, so he moved right in with me. Over the years, I know he has had affairs, but I never got angry or let him know that I knew all along what he was doing. He is a wonderful father to our children, they really love him, and I was afraid I would lose him. If we ever divorced, my children would go with him, not me. After all, I was not home much when they were young. I was working all the time. They were really brought up by my husband, and know and love him better than me. Now that my children are young adults, I am only an open wallet, good for money only.

    That is why I know that they will be better off if I am gone. They blame me for ruining their lifestyle by my unemployment. I am only good if I have a job and money. That is how I see myself, too. That is my function in life, nothing more. I have ceased to function, so I am already dead to them. I am dead to myself, too. I see no future for myself. I don't want to live anymore. I have lost my soul and my spirit. I have gone beyond sadness, if that is possible. I felt nothing for the past two months, but now I feel a type of constant agitation inside, which tells me to kill myself.

    I have no money left. I cannot afford to seek help. Here in the USA, there is help available for those who cannot pay, but these healthcare providers for the poor are far too overworked and underpaid to really have any impact on your mental or physical health. It is third rate at best, and will do more harm than good. Like I said before, in this country, you get what you pay for!

    I cannot and will not tell my family that I am suffering this way. They are not very understanding or capable when it comes to instability of any sort. I know they will sign me off to a state mental hospital, where I will be even worse off than I am now. It will be just about impossible to kill myself in there, and I can't and won't live like that. After a year in the loony bin, my husband will use "insanity" as an excuse to divorce me. My children will be humiliated and embarassed at first, then grow to hate me, then finally be relieved when the divorce is final, and legally, they won't have to care for me anymore. I'll rot in a place like that!

    So you see my plight. That is why I came to this forum, out of loneliness and despair of not having one living soul to share with. I have many aquaintences, but no friends. I never took the time to make any. My happiest times were when my children were young and innocent. Now they are grown and all they care about is buying the latest expensive electronics, clothing or whatever accessory is the newest "must-have". I am to blame for their conspicous consumerism, because I thought money could buy me love.

    Well, now the money is gone, and so is the love. I am trapped. There is no way out. I can't seek help for fear of imprisonment. I have not one friend to share this. There is no safe place for me now. There is no lending institution in the United States that will give us a loan... we are bankrupt, and unable to pay it. That is how it works in this country. You need a good credit score to get credit. My score is less than zero.

    I see no way out. I am afraid to pull the trigger on myself. I want to die so badly, but I don't think I have the nerve. I must try to do it when I am angry or agitated, or else I will fail. If you start to think about it, you won't be able to follow through. The last desperate act must come from an overwhelming feeling of raw emotion. This is what I need.
     
  20. LunaSea

    LunaSea Member

    I just went out for a walk mostly to quiet the agitation, and I've come to the realization that I may not have the strength it takes to crash my car against the bridge. If I do not get up enough speed, the impact will not be severe enough to kill me. I want to die without pain. The easiest way is probably pills, but then it will be evident that my death was intentional, and not an accident.

    Then this is the road I must take, even if it leaves my family without the insurance money. But I don't want to do it in my home, where my husband will have to deal with getting my body out of the house. There is a hiking trail within a few miles walking distance from here. There is about 300 acres of wooded forest and underbrush to hide in. Now all I need to do is find the best pills to take to do the job right and how many. The internet is a wonderful thing!

    Thank you for reading my story. I thought I would leave a link to this website, so my husband and children could read this after the fact, but I still haven't made up my mind about this. Perhaps some secrets are better off untold. This may be one of them.

    So long.
     
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