make it stop

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by silent_chaos, Nov 7, 2012.

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  1. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    i feel so alone, empty. life is to hard. i dont want to be me right now i want a break from myself. but i cant. im sobbing like a lil school girl. just sitting here thinking of ending it. i havnt slept much in days, havnt eaten much in days. i feel like harming myself or someone els 1 person in particular. or both! i want it to stop or at least slow down so i can think right.
     
  2. rivkah

    rivkah New Member

    I wish I could say that I am not there or I haven't been there. I really wish I had some amazing words of wisdom but all I can say is that I get it. If that helps at all. I am around if you wanna chat
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you're feeling so low. What's been happening that could have started you on such a dark path? Here if you want to talk. :hug:
     
  4. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    A lot of factors. Mostly my anxiety being so bad I can't leave my house. So can't get out of the house to find a job. And still upset about loosing my job. An ahole of a boss pushed me to far and said the wrong things on an already hard day. I went home and tried to comite suicide. When I got out a week later I had a phone message saying I know longer have a job. No show no call. But the doctors told them I was in the hospital. So I was awarded Unemployment said I was wrongfully terminated I got my last unemployment check today. And my second appeal for disability denial. I have a couple hundred aside. But that will be gone in a month. Ativan helps with anxiety well for me but they only give me 12 pills at a time. And 2 weeks of all my other meds. Cause they don't feel I'm safe. My mind is rambling I'm at a lost what I'm supposed to be stressed about first. Instead I let run threw my brain all at once. I'm living on a older couples property. Which is great. I just help with electric. And whatever else they need help with. I'm greatfull for it. It's not the best but I get to keep everything that means to me most my bird. She's a 12 year old Quaker and I've had her since she was 2 months old. I love that little green monster.
    I really hate feeling out of control of my self. It scares me cause I don't want to go into psychosis. I know I'm in reality now. And I hope I can fight to stay that way. I hope and pray it dosnt get to that point. The scary part for me is waking up somewhere you where not intending to be. And wondering if I've hurt anyone.
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    It does sound hard. I gather that if you're getting meds in two-week instalments, you're seeing a doc or therapist or both? Updating them on how things are going can help them give you the treatment and such that will help you the most.

    I'm sorry to hear about your job. That just sucks big time that it happened that way. It's hard where I am too to get disability support, but we can appeal a few times. Is it possible for you to appeal another time for disability? Your doc and therapist can likely give you info about that.

    I'm really glad you have your bird! Pets are such wonderful friends - a source of beauty, comfort and company!

    You've been through a lot and have held on. What strategies have you been using so far? What has worked best? Maybe some of us here can help you find other coping strategies. At least we can listen and understand. Please hold on...stay safe.
     
  6. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I listen to music. And am learning American sign language.
     
  7. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I've been worse, but i would like to be better! I want to this to pass. I know it will pass. But it feels so horrible at the moment. I'm alone by myself and all I can think about hurting myself. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow that I dread going to. My only and thankful outlet is here.
     
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Jenn - I am sorry things aren't so bright for you at the moment. Am glad that you've got SF to come to. I know what it is like to be wanting a break from oneself.....

    If you ever want to chat or PM, please do, any time. Am I right in thinking (from your avatar and first post) that there is a person who is a trouble for you? Would you like to talk about it or find ways for it to heal? I've been in the same place, and know how hard it can be honey.
     
  9. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    He's not directly a problem for me any more but I still can't get over how I was treated by him. He was my boss. I tried to commit suicide cause he pretty much bullied me. Just enough to affect me but not affecting his status at work. Meaning he did nothing illegally. Physical harm me or put me in harm. But I worked at my job fine for the most part for 5 years. Dealing with bipolor there where ups and downs anxiety so bad I couldn't leave my house so I would call in sick. I got accommodations, but when he took over those went out the window. When I talked to the head manager his words where the new manager said he can manage me however he wanted to as long as he wasn't doing anything illegal. It affects me still so bad cause I've lost everything loosing my job. I feel I've I crossed paths with him I would run him over or beat the shit out of him with what's in my reach. My unemployed is almost up. My anxiety is so bad I can't leave the house to look for work. I do side work for a couple of friends. I'm lucky to have a friend who has been letting my stay in the garage. Things are just going downhill. Thanks for letting me vent.
     
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    You can vent ANY TIME on here Jenn :) And it's quite OK to vent - it's always good to get the feelings out. I am sure anyone who has read your post would feel that how you were treated was most unfair - bullying the workplace is horrid - and people can get very inventive the ways they think of to do it - in the various guises - I would imagine mostly with verbal put-downs. And they are so very clever at protecting themselves from damage to their status/reputation etc. I am sorry it's left such a nasty 'aftertaste' - these things can and do.

    There is someone in my past as well - well, 2 related people actually, who I feel the same way about and attempted over. Bullying in another way, but still with the motive behind it to protect themselves and dump on me....... it does take time to heal from that. SF is a good place to learn we are not alone, and to find ways to lessen the sting :)
     
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