I just can't stop thinking about dying. I know I am depressed and started on meds last week. My new doctor suggested I try an partial hospitalization program and I can't even get into for an intake appointment until Wednesday. All I do is sleep or argue with my husband. I was hospitalized multiple times in 2005 and then had a relapse in November of 2008. I spent three weeks in a different partial program and still felt the same when I left. Actually I felt worse while I was in the program. I was binging to try and cope with it. I said what they wanted me to say and was released in December. I tried to ignore....make myself happy....it didn't work. I started seeing a therapist again the end of January. I like her and she gets me but I can't make these feelings go away. I try to tell myself I don't feel this way. I should feel great, in this ecomony I have a good job, nice house...blah...blah..blah. My relationship with my husband started to fall apart with my recent attempt in November. He talked me down....I was going for a swim after a few glasses of wine and some Xanax. He convinced me to come home and get some help. Three weeks later when i didn't feel better and needed him to come home, he didn't. I actually had broke both hands in a slip on the ice. When he didn't come home, I wanted to die. I told him this and he didn't come home. He eventually came home four days later. Since that point I don't trust he will be there for me. I feel so alone. In 2005, he left me for another women. I didn't learn that until over a year later and forgave him. I am fearful he will find someone again. So I looked at his email and discovered he lied to me about the other woman. He had saved email in a draft folder, he gave her the same romantic words he used on me. I now feel cheated even more. How can those words ever mean the same thing again. The pain and betrayal I am feeling has my mind racing on just how to end it. How do I move forward?