I was adult enough to make the decision to take myself off of my medication. I am adult enough to admit that I need to be back on medication. Sucks, don't it? It is a nice change though, whereas before, there would have been some stranger calling my mom saying "we have your daughter here, she's tried to kill herself" or something.... This time was different, I made the first step. I'm choosing to skip hospitalization completely this time. It really has lost its charm. At least - hopefully - by admitting I need medication and seeking help, I'm avoiding the hospital. I really need to attend all my college classes and do all the assignments. I HAVE to do well this semester. Better than well. I can't afford to be hospitalized. Definitely getting in touch with my psychiatrist (pill doc) tomorrow... need to facilitate some medication for me quickly.... I was actually stable for 3 months without medication - somehow I thought I'd make it longer.... I was beginning to think that I was misdiagnosed, or that bipolar didn't exist... but it is very real and I have to deal with it in reality... all that time I was depressed I was saying "I wish I was manic" and now that I'm manic I just wish I was stable again.... Yeah its great that I'm awesome and I can talk and talk about things that don't matter, and that I don't need sleep or food.... but its the things like hallucinations, physical aggression, racing thoughts, depersonalization/derealization, and delusions such as : opening the fridge and believing that the light that shines down is God's presence there is ALWAYS someone behind you with a knife, the only way you'll see him is if you turn around real fast... and if/when you do see him, make sure its not a hallucination.... People are not real, they are flesh and blood with pre-determined scripts... Am I real? Everyone in the UNIVERSE is watching this TV show about me doing dumb/embarassing things, generally failing in life. (They're not, you're not that interesting...) People can read my thoughts People are out to steal my things (some actually are lol) God and I have a special connection, I must stay up every night and copy scripture, then I will be perfect! My language hallucination is a secret code language that I must decipher, it will lead me to something (what it will lead me to, I do not know.) things like that....that make my manic phase get out of hand quickly. Also its topics like suicide that never work out no matter if I'm manic or depressed... if I'm manic its "kill yourself".... "why not? let's do it!!!" (the sooner the better) if I'm depressed its "you're worthless/useless/any other less'es you can think of, kill yourself".... "you're very right, lets do just that." By the way, you may call me Sunshine.