Making changes, still depressed

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by odnox, Sep 23, 2008.

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  1. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I've been having issues at work. The company is doing really badly and a lot is being asked of the staff. Layoffs happen every month, management isn't talking and I think morale is in the toilet.

    For the last couple of months I've been right on the edge of burnout. Long hours, stress, no real time off, eating poorly because it's quicker, no exercise. I feel physically really bad. I need out of this job.

    I put out my resume and had some interviews and yesterday(Monday) I was given a formal offer and I accepted. I gave my employer my 2 week notice. So, I'm getting out of my company and also relocating to be near family. I should be happy and more relaxed, but I'm not.

    I'm feeling stressed out and anxious. I still can't sleep and even when I shut off work for the day, all I think about is work. I don't want to leave my team mates as they're as close to friends as I have and I feel guilty. Like I'm cheating on my company and the divorce is coming.

    Why am I not feeling better? It's a great new job, living in a new city near family. But I feel like vomiting and I'm unhappy. WHY!?!?!?!
  2. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    it sounds like you're scared of making these changes. Being afraid of change is perfectly natural. Yes it's daunting but try to focus on the positives.

    I find it interesting that you say "they're as close to friends as I have" Do you not have any friends outside work?
  3. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    It's not fear of the changes really. It just doesn't feel like anything is better. My current job is still stressful even though I only have a week or so left. I'm not super excited about moving or the new job. It all just feels like I'm doing these things because it's better than doing nothing.

    I'm dying in my current life. My life isn't moving in ANY direction. More layoffs at work today, likelihood of being laid off if I stay. New job isn't great, but better than being unemployed. Don't really want to move closer to family, because I do better being alone. I don't like being alone, but I don't want to see my family all the time either.

    By all accounts my life should be getting better. Making big changes. But I still just don't care. Again, I don't think it's fear. I just think I should care about the changes and my life and maybe even be more excited. I'm just not.

    Thanks for your thoughts though, kenny!
  4. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    This is just going to be a rant. My family won't want to hear it and I don't have any real life friends, so I'll just blather on here.

    I am so fucking tired of all of this shit. I accepted a job I don't really want and I'm moving to a city I don't really want to live in. I'm doing this to make so kind of change in my life, but I think I was just too impatient.

    I've literally jumped through all sorts of hoops this week. Got a verbal job offer on Tuesday of last week. Waited, waited, waited for the formal offer. Friday, "Oh, we need you to talk to another person on Sunday." Fuckers! Monday, "We'll get the offer to you today." Nope. Got it Tuesday. What about benefits? "We'll get that to you soon." I just got some of it today. How much vacation? "Uh, the manager is out all week, we'll get it to you next week." Does anyone actually fucking work?

    Need to rent an apartment in new city. Lots of paperwork to fill out, but none of it is in electronic format, so they have to scan it and send me this weirdly formatted file that I can't view or print. I mess with it to get it printed. Faxed back. "We can't verify your employment because you haven't started yet." Duh, asshat, I told you that in that first phone call. Fill out another form that says I'm unemployed, which I'm not. I want to move in on Sunday. Sorry, we're closed on Sunday and I don't work Monday's. So now I have to move in 2 days after I get to town. Again, does anyone actually fucking work?

    Brother offered to help me move. Cool, I'll move on this day. No, that day won't work for me, I have work to do. Fuck, I already rented the truck, need to change the date. When I get to town can you take me to these other stores? ARRRGGGGG!!!! When will anything happen FOR ME!!!!!

    I have jumped through every fucking hoop and I'm still not any more excited about any of this. If I hadn't already given notice at my current job, I'd tell everyone to fuck off and just stay where I am, to die a sad lonely existence.

    I NEED to make these changes, but does it need to be so fucking painful?

    Anyway, rant is over. I still don't feel any better, but so what.
  5. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    More ranting!! I just got denied at the apartment place, because I'll make too much money!! So, I have a WEEK to find another place!!

    STOP!!!!! :biggrin:
  6. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Everything is set. Have a new job and a new apartment, both in a new city. I went to a going away gathering last night for me with the people at work.

    I'm feeling HORRIBLE right now. I want more than anything to die.

    There were a dozen people at the gathering. All there to say good bye and wish me well. I felt really happy and honored that there were there, but today I'm feeling so sad. I don't want to leave, I don't want to lose my friends. My head knows that this is the best thing, but my heart is breaking. I can't explain it. For the last 12 hours I've practically been in tears the whole time.

    Sorry, but I would rather die than make these changes. God I hate this.
  7. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I guess I can just ramble on then.

    Things are a little better. I've talked to my boss and he said I could come back any time. I talked to a couple people from work and they were very nice and reiterated that they were happy for me and would miss me too. And to keep in touch with them. I'm just really bad with keeping in touch with people. I don't communicate with anyone besides the people I work with. Not from high school or college or any jobs I've had. The only "friends" I seem to have are work related. I know that's a short coming on my part. You have to be a friend to have friends, and when I'm not good at being a friend that's why I don't have them.

    It's fear mostly. Which is what kenny said. It took me 6 years to get to this point with the people at work. I don't know if I can go much longer than a few weeks with no one to talk to. I've given up on my family. They say they want me to be happy, but that's just because they don't want to hear me complain.

    I just got off a call with the team. We work from home, so we have a daily call. I'm going to try to go to lunch with a guy from work tomorrow. We'll see.

    God, I'm so fucking stupid. I know what the problem is. I know what the solution is. But I can't see to make things better.

    And I am afraid of the changes I'm going to be making and I'm going to miss the people from work.

    But, whatever right?
  8. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Looks like I'm back again. I thought that things were going pretty well after my move, but that turned out to be a bust. I moved to a much smaller town and it just didn't work for me. I hated it there. So I moved back to where I started about 4 months after that first move. Things have been a little better but recently they've started to go down hill again.

    Minor little things that all seem to be happening at once. Little work things, little life things, little health things.

    The thing is, I know why I feel like this and I know how to make it stop. But I just can't seem to do it. No, not that. I mean I know that I should eat better, exercise, sleep more, get out of the house, take up a hobby, meet people, etc, etc. The same stuff we all know. But I just can't seem to do that stuff.

    I was thinking the other day that maybe my life is the way it is because it protects me from the world. I get so mad that I don't really do anything but work and sit at home waiting for the time to go back to work. I feel like if I would just do something more, that things would start to get better. But then I thought, maybe my life is exactly what it needs to be to protect myself from all the crap. So it's a trade off. A small life that's really horrible to live but keeps me from getting hurt. Or a bigger, riskier life that might be more exciting but also puts me at risk of being hurt yet again.

    I don't know. Just gets really tiring having to deal with this all the time. I can get a good few months but I always come back to this.

    WHY CAN'T I JUST DO THE THINGS I KNOW I NEED TO DO?? What's the worst that can happen, really? Can't be worse than death.

    I'm just so tired of this.
  9. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    Buddy, I never thought I'd find someone in the same position as me. I almost feel as if I am looking at myself in another life... I only joined this forum a week ago, so please forgive me for not responding sooner.

    I am 23 and I am at a similar crossroads in my life. I've worked at one place for 3 years since I graduated with a 2 year. I know my job is stable and great for my age. I don't really like my job though and it causes me panic attacks at least once a week anymore, and the only friends I seem to have are from work. If I quit it would only be my family.

    I constantly lament my inability to keep up with friends from school and college... I see them from time to time in other jobs and can't even remember half of their names, or who they were. Just familiar faces and people that know me. I feel so guilty not being able to remember their names.

    I too feel like you do about risk in my life... I currently live in a town outside Peoria, IL, but I keep convincing myself that I would like it so much more to live up north in Chicago or even New York, that it would be more exciting. I just feel like my life is stuck and I am going nowhere. There is no night-life, and I haven't been in a serious relationship. Ever.

    Do you currently have any friends to do things with? I've found in the past few months that there are three things that have helped me cope with my severe depression and anxiety;

    1.) Talking with my youngest brother about my thoughts. My other younger brother wants nothing to do with me and seems to despise me. Perhaps that is one reason I am having problems. I also have spoken with my father about it, but I think it was a mistake. I really wish I could make more friends, even a girlfriend to talk to about these things. But that is for another day.

    2.) I have gone to a couple concerts in the last couple weeks. The band, the "Yeah Yeah Yeahs" are really special to me, and I had the greatest high of my life when I went to the last one in Milwaukee, as I met the band, got some pictures and they signed my album. I don't really care about "famous" people, but I really enjoy their music, and they were really happy to meet me and the other fans that stayed after the show. I have never been so ecstatic in my life as I was after meeting them. It felt like what I've heard other people describe the effects of Ecstasy to be.

    3.) The last thing I started on was writing in a journal. I would never have thought it would come down to this for me, as I always hated it in school. I've really started venting into a journal all the things that bother me, what things happened to me throughout the day, and what I want out of life. Things like dreams are great to put into writing as well. It is one way to express yourself without looking like fool to other people.

    Let me know how you're doing. Do you have ways of coping?
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