Making&Keeping friends, some issues.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Krem, Aug 14, 2010.

  1. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    I'm not a social person. I know 3 people of ~700 in my school, and am friends with none of them. I have half a dozen online friends, of which I only talk to two on a weekly basis. After some thinking, I've put it down to 5 reasons:

    1. I don't try. During school, for an example. I'm there, I do the schoolwork, then I pass the little time I have left by reading. Or, if there's more than 1 hour, I'd go home for food.
    2. I seek perfection. If a person has an annoying trait, has opinions which I'm against (Against, not disagree), is too happy, has too many friends, or isn't serious enough for my taste, I don't even want to befriend them.
    3. I find it exceptionally hard to be nice. I don't chit-chat, I won't let things be if I find a flaw in them, and have a general cold/distant/serious disposition, which turns out to be off-putting.
    4. Paranoia/Mistrust/Chauvinism. I have some deep-sated belief that girls/women can't stand up for themselves, are easily manipulated, fragile, and so on. When I befriend one, I'm quick to put them in the "younger sister" category- Even though most of the time they're quite older than me, I seek to shelter them from pretty much everything. For my male friends, I'm quick to believe them to be avoiding me if I don't see them often enough.
    5. Shyness. As hard as it could be to believe, the few people whom I think might be interesting to know, I will invent reasons not to. And when I run out, I simply don't do anything to try and know them. This applies to "real-life" only, though.

    And now introducing, the point; is this explained by depression+hormones, or should I be worried? I've no illusions on one day being "Mr. Popular" (or Ms., if I get my way), but I'm also trying not to believe I'll simply die alone after years of loneliness and complete social isolation.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 14, 2010
  2. Chameleon76

    Chameleon76 Well-Known Member

    I'm a loner also, and like you, I used to spend a good amount of time analyzing myself trying to figure out why I am the way I am....I'm in my 30s, and aside from one night stands and short flings, i've never been in a serious relationship. I have a few friends, but i'm not close with them and don't hang with them much. I live alone and rarely visit my family.

    I've been like this basically my whole life and up until about 2 years ago, it used to cause me major distress. Even drove me to the brink of suicide.
    I've been on numerous medications and spent many hours in therapy searching for an answer to no avail.

    I finally realized one day that I was searching for an answer that didn't exsit. That there was no problem/flaw/mental illness in me. I simply prefer being alone to being in the company of others and my distress was not caused by isolation/lonliness, but rather by the fact that society has brainwashed us all into believing that we must have close friends/family, wife, kids and we are somehow defective if we don't.

    You listed a bunch of possible reason for your isolation, and i'm not saying they're wrong since I don't know you. But could you possibly be overlooking the simplest most obvious reason and first thing you posted:

    "I'm not a social person"

    If thats really the case, then except it and embrace it, and don't let anyone make you feel like shit because of it.
    It took me almost 30 years and alot of wasted time and money on meds/therapy to except myself for who I am, but i'm alot more content now that I have.
  3. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    Except I want to. I consider myself romantic, judging by my fantasies. I don't have a sex dreams, I dream of cuddling, I dream of holding hands with someone, I dream of candle-lit dinners, I dream of staying with some one person far away in Alaska or somewhere similar.. Blagh.

    I meant the "I'm not a social person" in a sense that I don't take part in social events, not in the sense where I choose to be alone. The only time I remember myself happy (And I mean only- This was a one-time event) was after spending a few hours at a friend's house. Video games, and then playfighting. It.. lifted me. Everything was.. lighter during that time, and a few hours after. Sure, I've laughed, but I've never been happy, except then. And probably as a toddler, I'm sure, but I don't remember that.

    And, well, looking at people, I see that they're happy just "hanging". They're not doing anything productive for themselves, but they seem content. Just being with their friends. And I want that. It's not because I have to have friends, it's much simpler; I want what they have.

    Or you're right, I'm in denial, and I'll waste the so-called prime years realising that. Ah, well, I'm wasting them anyway, haha. :)
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I found it really hard to connect with people until I started to join clubs.
    People are often very welcoming to people thinking of joining a club- and the good thing about clubs is that everyone else is there because they have a common interest; if you share that common interest then you're set!

    In highschool I was a member of alot of clubs-- the list goes on and on and on XD
    Drama club, Young Writer's club, Organic Lunch club, A/V club, Yearbook club, Anime club... and you don't need and prior experience to join a club, just be willing to learn and have fun. You can open up little by little- there's no rush. There were often some very introverted people in most of the clubs but over time I saw them open up and want to be a part of the group.

    So... maybe something like that would help you to get where you want to be socially?
  5. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    There are no real clubs in the school I go to. The closest thing to a club would be the nerd group, but I don't fancy their company. To those who understand, they find memes funny. They advertised themselves as a group "for those who hail our queen, Boxxy". That's not something I want near me.

    But, yes, if there'd be a club I was interested in, I'd probably check it out. But, knowing me, I'd probably find a reason not to join.
  6. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    Turn yourself into an activist. Find some cause that you are passionate about - whether it be environmental awareness, animal rights, third world poverty, even Christianity. Then that way you'll start looking at people from a different perspective - rather than thinking they are not good enough for you, you will start to see them as 'targets' for your 'preaching'. You'll start to see that what you're trying to do is to change people for the better and instead of judging them you'll see them as people you'd like to help open their eyes to something more significant than themselves.

    Best wishes.
  7. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    I'm not passionate about any cause. I'm not even passionate when arguing "IRL", even if I'm being shouted at. :)
  8. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    Well then in that case I'd just say don't worry about it and keep doing what you're doing. You don't seem interested in making friends/getting involved in other stuff so just do whatever it is you're doing now. If you were worried about social isolation or loneliness you'd probably be desperate to want friends etc. But it just sounds like you're at the point in your life where you can't really be bothered, in which case nothing anyone suggests to you will really mean anything and it's up to you if you wanted to do anything about it.
  9. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Krem, a lot of what you have explained about yourself sounds a lot like what I was like up until this year. I have had a few friends in my life, I always picked out and focused on their traits that annoyed me instead of the ones I liked (as well as with almost everyone), and even though they honestly were my friends they were never people that I could sit down and truly enjoy being with, without any of my own hang-ups getting in the way. I was also the guy who wouldn't bother to talk to anyone, and I mean anyone, if I didn't want/have to at the time.

    I truly believed I was antisocial, awkward, shy, and that everyone else was carefree, sociable, without personal issues and loved talking to each other and being around one another all or most of the time. Sound familiar?

    [Edit: I am introverted, along with many other people in life, but that doesn't mean antisocial, and definitely not shy]

    That said, I realised that there are two things to take away from what you are talking about.

    [Edit -I get pretty direct from this point, but I'm not trying to offend you (or anyone) at all. I hope you keep reading]

    1. You find people's flaws annoying, people do things that annoy you, and you think that is a good enough reason to not want to know them despite not knowing anything about them except for what you have seen or heard about.

    - Hilariously normal by the way, but still flawed thinking (of everybody who does this).

    2. You seek what you imagine life will be like without your problems. Beautiful candlelit dinners, lying in bed with your partner cuddling and talking, being able to casually sit around with your friends without a care in the world.

    - All admirable and normal things to want, but life isn't like that most of the time. Those things are special because they are so rare. If that's what life was really like, then they wouldn't be romantic or idealistic aspirations, they would be the norm and other things would take their place. I could say that Hollywood is to blame, but we have been admiring beautiful art, literature and philosophy about love and perfect happiness for thousands of years. 95% of a real relationship is simply enjoying each others company, flaws and annoyances intact. Despite all that, those things do happen, to nearly everybody, multiple times. Don't stop wanting these things.

    The friendship one can be easily attained, but it won't be the carefree, fearless experience that you think it will. This isn't bad news, you are still ending up better than where you are at now, and you will either have friends that like the same general stuff as you but do a few things that annoy you (likely, exciting, real), or ones that don't have any characteristics you don't like and you can hang with them for hours and it's all cool, no problems, everyone's chill (unlikely, boring, hollywood). And like the other thing you want, it will mostly just be enjoying their company.

    And about the whole problems around people thing, I would wager the bet that most of the people in your school, in groups of friends, and in life deal with the same hang-ups and annoyances as you do. They just don't admit it, and try to accept others the way they are. I mean really, if tons of specific shit didn't annoy tons of people, everyone would be friends, or at least on chosen speaking terms. It's why humans choose to be in groups, so they can feel normal around people like them.

    And if you are not a social person, and you don't like being around other people, including those that annoy you, then why are you a member of a forum with thousands of active members, some of whom you speak to directly?

    The answer? - You know how to be social, you can tolerate being in a place filled with people entirely different from you, and you fit in without a problem. - This forum didn't give you this ability, you came here with it.

    And if you don't believe me, remember that you chose to come to this forum, you choose to come back, and you choose to add your input into a conversation (In a cool and intelligent way I might add). Hell, you're probably a member of other forums, with other completely different people, a lot of them suffering those very problems you describe.

    Once all the physical and societal bullshit is stripped away, and you are in a comfortable, relaxed setting, you can be just as social as everybody else.

    ----Those last 4 paragraphs don't have to be directed solely at Krem, if you know what I mean.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2010
  10. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    Lovely. "Shit sucks, but that's normal. Just give in and accept the suck, and you'll feel better." If only one's brain were a software, and you could choose do to it, if you believed it. But that'd be too good, and Ka doesn't want that. :)

    On the forums part, no. This is the only forum, and I don't really look at other people's posts. Too selfish to even bother, really. Most of the threads I do see just make me cringe. The rest, I just really enjoy being right. :)

    Cheers for reply, though.
  11. Pretzel

    Pretzel Member

    I think you should be less picky with people and try to accept them for who they are. Everyone has qualities or ideals that others disagree with, but people learn to accept those disagreements and get over them. You should try not to dislike people for being too happy or people who find memes funny. I know you're probably set in your ways, but when I was in high school, I was, also. I didn't think anyone was worth my time (or that I was worth anyone else's). You just have to force yourself to like people and they'll like you in return.

    I definitely don't think you should be worried about "dying alone" or anything. A lot of teenagers feel the way you do and they outgrow it. I outgrew mine when I was 18 after I had graduated, and then met some friends online in my area and became close with them, then met more people. Looking back in high school, I would never have expected to befriend people like that, but I did.

    Of course you will have to make SOME effort, but I think on the internet, it's a lot easier to find people who you're comfortable around, which will allow you to find people who have similar interests to you. :) I hope everything works out for you!