I find myself lately making the famous "list" in my head of all the reasons WHY I don't need or want to be here anymore. It is very distressing, mainly because this is how I lead up to attempting to take my life. I have done it more than 15 times plus some. Major and minor. Might as well write it out and think about it. I keep heading further into crisis for lack of help available to me and my own very low self esteem. I think I am useless as a member of society, useless to my family that needs my help. I cannot work in a career that I worked so hard to earn and become accomplished in. That is such a major loss that I cannot even talk about it. I have all this knowledge in my head that is pretty much going to waste. When I give medical advice to someone, they never listen. I know that is about them, but I always think that people who are close to me just have lumped me into the "crazy" category that no one believes a word I say. I am not psychotic, just have a skewed way of looking at things when it comes to myself and have depression. I have health problems and a personality disorder (bpd) that is scary because at any moment, I could snap and just empty all my pills into a big bowl and start eating them. The last time I did that most certainly would have been fatal if someone had not intervened. I live by myself so I could do it easily. I guess I wanted help or I would not have called a friend. I am tired of being financially strapped. Basically, my needs are not being met and it seems to be getting worse with rising costs and the ridiculous cost of living raise of 0.05 percent. That is not the cost of living raise people need. Companies give 4-5 percent and that is no million dollar bonus. I am on social security disability. The thing is I know I feel myself going into the dark hole of no return. I have been begging for more help, but pretty soon I think I will give in. I think my depression keeps getting worse and I am not on the right medicine, I have this wacko asshole doctor at a mental health center that likes to give mixtures of junk that is obviously not working for me. I don't want to hurt people by taking my own life, but I get more miserable and non-functional by the day. Not being able to even afford my meds, doctors and a decent therapist does not help. I am so tired of trying and fighting. I don't know how much fight I have left in me. I am 57 and single, and as a female in this world, that is not a good place to be.