Making my "mental" list

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by DariaJane, Feb 8, 2013.

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  1. DariaJane

    DariaJane Active Member

    I find myself lately making the famous "list" in my head of all the reasons WHY I don't need or want to be here anymore. It is very distressing, mainly because this is how I lead up to attempting to take my life. I have done it more than 15 times plus some. Major and minor. Might as well write it out and think about it. I keep heading further into crisis for lack of help available to me and my own very low self esteem. I think I am useless as a member of society, useless to my family that needs my help. I cannot work in a career that I worked so hard to earn and become accomplished in. That is such a major loss that I cannot even talk about it. I have all this knowledge in my head that is pretty much going to waste. When I give medical advice to someone, they never listen. I know that is about them, but I always think that people who are close to me just have lumped me into the "crazy" category that no one believes a word I say. I am not psychotic, just have a skewed way of looking at things when it comes to myself and have depression.

    I have health problems and a personality disorder (bpd) that is scary because at any moment, I could snap and just empty all my pills into a big bowl and start eating them. The last time I did that most certainly would have been fatal if someone had not intervened. I live by myself so I could do it easily. I guess I wanted help or I would not have called a friend. I am tired of being financially strapped.

    Basically, my needs are not being met and it seems to be getting worse with rising costs and the ridiculous cost of living raise of 0.05 percent. That is not the cost of living raise people need. Companies give 4-5 percent and that is no million dollar bonus. I am on social security disability.

    The thing is I know I feel myself going into the dark hole of no return. I have been begging for more help, but pretty soon I think I will give in. I think my depression keeps getting worse and I am not on the right medicine, I have this wacko asshole doctor at a mental health center that likes to give mixtures of junk that is obviously not working for me.

    I don't want to hurt people by taking my own life, but I get more miserable and non-functional by the day. Not being able to even afford my meds, doctors and a decent therapist does not help. I am so tired of trying and fighting. I don't know how much fight I have left in me. I am 57 and single, and as a female in this world, that is not a good place to be.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Sorry it's only me responding first. I do know what it is like to lose one's career. I'm approx your age group too. It's a crap place to be. Caroline Heilbronn wrote excellent crime mystery based on an older woman successfully committing murder because she was "invisible". Heilbronn is emeritus prof so clearly knows how others see / react to older women. Sorry, am rambling, don't feel great myself, did want you to have a response.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun it is good you can see the signs of depression hun If your doctor is not helping then time to change your doctor Go to hospital and get some help there don't leave hun tell them you are suicidal and need help ok they will hellp you get supports you need while there hugs
  4. DariaJane

    DariaJane Active Member

    Theodora, don't apologize for it being only you replying. It means a lot that you replied. I totally believe that someone in my position could commit murder because it is soo so hard being invisible and just "existing" for the sake of not hurting others. As long as I stay at home and quiet, don't bother anyone or do anything unacceptable then no one gripes at me or bothers to call me either. It is awful, and so is being in the hospital under lock and key. Not being able to have personal care items, or be on your own sleep schedule. I told my therapist at the mental health center (responding also to total eclipse) that I felt really horrible and like I needed to go to the hospital and she replied in a sarcastic tone, "what do you think the hospital will do for you?" It made me so angry I just replied NOTHING, JUST NOTHING! I didn't talk for about 10 minutes and she recorded that I did not talk for 20 minutes. I was told this by the director of treatment services. I told him I was doing worse and he just said I was not trying to get the benefit of treatment. Ha. The therapist is a smart ass and that is not going to work, but no, I could not change therapists or groups. I am court ordered to go there until September. It almost would be worth it to get out of going there.

    I am in a predicament for sure.
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi DariaJane
    Sorry things are so difficult for you. I know that depression etc can be so challenging for sure. I hope that at the very least you can find a good therapist who is truly on your side !! It can make life so much easier.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun hope you changed doctors hun and got one that is working for you Therapy like said hun can help Any group therapies hun you can attend that your community runs It helps to also not isolate ok even if you just get out and do some shopping hun talk to someone each day. Hope you keep reaching out you deserve support hun you keep advocating it for You
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