Making peace with death..

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by downmage, Mar 16, 2007.

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  1. downmage

    downmage Well-Known Member

    I think in the last few months that I have come to terms with wanting to take my life. Before the last few months I have been in that hellish place of not wanting to live and not wanting to die. I think that's one of worse places to be in emotionally. I think I have made the decision to line up with the decision of " going back to non-physical ". As a child, I had a near death experience and it's my personal belief that there is no such thing as death as our personality/consciousness survives or we could be experiencing life in other places i.e like other dimensions.

    I think making peace with the idea of taking your life frees one of a lot of thinking that's going on in life. Like for example yesterday,..some bullshit came up and it didn't bother me because I am not going to be around long enough so that it affects me. It was a " freeing " sort of feeling. I didn't have to waver back and forth about should I do it or not.

    I am not interested in living in a fear based exsistance feeling not worthy of this or that, or reliving all my past failures all day long. That's no way to live. A few years ago I was going through psychotherapy, and when I brought up the subject of wanting to take my life she would tell me.." The only reason you want to commit suicide is that your WAY to concerned with what other people think of you..". Part of that was true and after that my I didn't really give a flip about what others thought me. But, that still doesn't change the way I feel about myself. My failures is something I think about all day long. Feeling guilty about dumb decisions I have made is still with me. Being not able to bring in a decent paycheck is always with me. Not being able to support myself is always with me ( I am sleeping on my Aunt's couch ) and not being able to figure out what's " real " and what isn't is,. and at the wrong time " talking to myself " in public and drawing attention to myself is something I have to live with. Feeling inadequate and feeling unworthy is no way to live life.

    I want to experience joy, happiness, passion, love all those things. But I can't. I am SO far from that. I am not going to focus on " how " I am going to do this, I just know that I am. When I am going to do this..I don't know, it's not for a lack of method, when the time is right..I'll do it. And I'll do it without wavering.
  2. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    i am here if ever you want to talk aobut anything in your life and i hope you can manage to keep yourself safe despite some of your feelings.

    im sorry i didnt see your post earlier.i havent been online much so im not doing great at supporting people rec ently.That must have been hard to write but i hope it helped.i feel ive gone throuhg a long process of coming to terms with my death personally.
  3. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry that you are feeling this way, the pain of which I can empathize with very well.
    Is it that you want to die or that you don't want to live life the way you are at present?
    Please don't give up on life because these things seen unattainable now, life can change, you can change, accept all the help you can get and strive for the day when you achieve even a little of the above.

    Take care Hazel x
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    As you allow yourself to experience the feelings of joy, happiness, passion, love, maybe the feelings you have about wanting death, or coming to peace with it may change. As our lives change, so does how we feel about it. I hope you are able to experience what you wish and that through these experiences, you find the will to continue on. :hug:
  5. downmage

    downmage Well-Known Member

    That word " allow " is something I have been trying to do for many years now.
    Meditation, positive affirmations, spending a whole lot of money on cd's by motivational speakers and spiritual teachers. I sort of compare that to like putting a band-aid on a huge open sore. I have tried to create my reality as to the way I want things..but I have always, in the end..come up empty.

    I am not a young man anymore. I am a 42 year old guy who has nothing to show for a life except that I own my own car. No wife, no house, no kids no future hopes except for taking a job that pays low wages. I am on disablity because my psy-doc tells me that I have a " chemical inbalance ".

    I have probably been depressed for over 25+ years. I just have no interest in hanging around any longer. I have no idea when I am going to " make my transition " but, I know it's going to happen. I have never been a lazy person and I have always worked but it got me no where. Even when I went into business for myself, I ran out of money and couldn't support myself.

    As I mentioned, I am of the belief that there is no such thing as death as my consciouness will go back to Source. I don't even desire to leave the house anymore. For me, I believe leaving this physical realm will be sweet and freeing.

    I spend a lot of my time looking up stories about people who have had " near death experiences " helps me and empowers me in a way that there is something on the other side. That's the only hope I have

    Thank you all for your concern. I appreciate it.
  6. downmage

    downmage Well-Known Member

    I am tire of life, and I want to return back to the non-physical dimension. I am tired of failing, over and over and over again. I have nothing to show for this life and I am tired about people lying about me. I have no more motivation to go back into society and I am not going to be homeless and eating out of garbage cans or sleeping in my car. I would rather die than live that way.
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