I think in the last few months that I have come to terms with wanting to take my life. Before the last few months I have been in that hellish place of not wanting to live and not wanting to die. I think that's one of worse places to be in emotionally. I think I have made the decision to line up with the decision of " going back to non-physical ". As a child, I had a near death experience and it's my personal belief that there is no such thing as death as our personality/consciousness survives or we could be experiencing life in other places i.e like other dimensions. I think making peace with the idea of taking your life frees one of a lot of thinking that's going on in life. Like for example yesterday,..some bullshit came up and it didn't bother me because I am not going to be around long enough so that it affects me. It was a " freeing " sort of feeling. I didn't have to waver back and forth about should I do it or not. I am not interested in living in a fear based exsistance feeling not worthy of this or that, or reliving all my past failures all day long. That's no way to live. A few years ago I was going through psychotherapy, and when I brought up the subject of wanting to take my life she would tell me.." The only reason you want to commit suicide is that your WAY to concerned with what other people think of you..". Part of that was true and after that my I didn't really give a flip about what others thought me. But, that still doesn't change the way I feel about myself. My failures is something I think about all day long. Feeling guilty about dumb decisions I have made is still with me. Being not able to bring in a decent paycheck is always with me. Not being able to support myself is always with me ( I am sleeping on my Aunt's couch ) and not being able to figure out what's " real " and what isn't is,. and at the wrong time " talking to myself " in public and drawing attention to myself is something I have to live with. Feeling inadequate and feeling unworthy is no way to live life. I want to experience joy, happiness, passion, love all those things. But I can't. I am SO far from that. I am not going to focus on " how " I am going to do this, I just know that I am. When I am going to do this..I don't know, it's not for a lack of method, when the time is right..I'll do it. And I'll do it without wavering.