Making peace with my ending

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nomore76, Aug 30, 2011.

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  1. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    I've made the conscious decision to finally end my life. I feel horrible about it...like a selfish, worthless piece of shit, but I just can't keep going. I can't even put into words the utter emptiness and loneliness I feel. This weekend especially has shown me that I just don't belong in this world anymore. Went through a huge natural disaster....and no one even checks to see if you're still alive. No one cares....THEY'RE selfish, so they have no right to claim I'm the selfish one when I'm not here anymore. They all claim I don't try to talk to them.....that I hold everything in and play the martyr, but when I try to speak to them about my pain....they don't want to HEAR IT. How can I fucking WIN!? It's a losing battle....talking is overrated. And when I'm gone I know they will all play the victims and say I didn't give a shit about anyone but myself....but I TRIED to reach out....but no one would listen. I fell on my knees and BEGGED GOD (a god I haven't believed in since I was a child because I've always felt that, if their was a God....why has he never been there? Why have I always felt that I wasn't worth even HIS TIME??)..."Please help me, God! I'm lost and so utterly lonely....I'm BEGGING YOU!"....and nothing. NO moment of clarity....no "light"....no nothing. I feel that most people in my life would be RELIEVED to have one less person being a total drag in their lives. They'll cry and say it hurts them....and that they miss me...but they'll do it for the attention that THEY CRAVE. I've never been worth that attention...worth being given an ounce of compassion. They'll, instead, cry about how I left my child to suffer without his mom. No one will feel guilty. They'll ACT that way for the attention they crave from others, but on the inside they'll be so fucking happy that they don't have to deal with my "constant bitching and complaining", 'cause when I try to TALK about how I truly feel to get it OUT THERE, rather than keep it all in, that's how they react. It's a constant mindfuck that I can no longer battle with. My son deserves a better mother and I'm so sorry, son....so sorry you were born to a person that cursed you with a disability....cursed you with being born to such an total born loser. You deserve the world....and all I've done is keep you from having that because, for some fucked up cosmic reason....that will just never happen for me. You shouldn't have to suffer by being with me....a fucking MAGNET for nothing but eternal misery. I know I sound like a total drama queen (and that's how everyone in my life takes it), but my "bad luck" is so right on the money....I don't even know how to explain it. You know the saying "shit rolls downhill"? Well....no matter how much I keep trying to claw my way back up, no matter what, that pile of shit finds a way to run me over. I can jump....dodge it....everything. It follows me like a black cat. I don't know how to explain it....but when a friend of mine even looked at me one day, astounded, after yet another ridiculous moment of "REALLY!? WTF!?!?", and said "Christ....you really are friggin' cursed!"....what can you do? Even SHE sees it! Not that she cares, but...even she sees it to the point that she now "jokingly" calls me Doomsday.

    I am beginning today to get my affairs in order....to find a way to leave money behind to help with my son's care and his needs....to get rid of my earthly possessions that are nothing but THINGS. I have done my research on how it needs to be done as painlessly as possible (I think I do deserve that...haven't I had enough pain?)....to find SOME WAY to say I'm sorry to the very few people that I think do love me, but will never understand the depth of my despair. I will not leave a burden behind for people. I want to make my ending as simple and easy as possible. No financial shit for them to have to deal with...no hours of paperwork or struggling to find money to pay for whatever needs to be done. They can collect Social Security for my son once I'm gone from my earned amounts....significantly more than what he gets now. There will be no questions of how to handle things....they will already be handled for them to make it easier on them.

    All I can hope is that, maybe, they'll understand....and forgive me. It may take me a long time to get these things done, but my mind is made up. Sad that, for the first time in my life....I feel at peace. Funny how life works out that way. For once....I feel like I've made the right decision....that I've found where I fit in. That I've done something RIGHT for once in my life.
     
  2. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    That is one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever read. Very hard to read too, it really touches home with me. When I told my son the other day I was going to be admitted in the hospital, he didn't even ask why. No one ever asks me if I am okay, no compassion whatsover, even if they know I've done something horrific. I know it hurts but to give your life up over other people's choices of being uncaring? Have you went to your doctor about this and tried therapy. They will be understanding, you can yell and screem anything you want, and they will be kind hearted toward you. I hope you can try to seek some help before you give up like this, for your son. He needs you to get better.
     
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    My thoughts are with you. :hug:
     
  4. nomore76

    nomore76 Member


    No insurance to pay for those things....and what I'll end up with, being considered "indigent", is a state hospital where NO ONE gives a shit. They just want you to shove a damn pill down your throat and that's it. Even when I had insurance that's all they wanted to do. Put me on Cymbalta, which has made me feel a million times WORSE. Now that I have no insurance to pay the astronomical monthly amount to pay for a medicine I don't even want to take and want to stop taking so I can cleanse my body I can't even get someone to give me some to help wean me off it, so I'm pathetically having to wean myself to the point of opening my capsules and splitting the granule amounts in half to step down the dose....sad, huh? I'm sure you're thinking I'm having a crisis because of the meds. I didn't feel half as bad before they put me on this shit. I mentioned wanting off it so I could use the "mindfulness" approach and actually experience my emotions rather than dull them to the point that I just don't give a shit about dealing with them....and they look at you like you're cutting into their livelihood. How DARE YOU stop taking medicine that I haven't researched the effects of, but the drug rep hooks me up with free shit and I get money for prescribing it!? That'll put money in my pocket so I can buy a 3rd car, dammit!" I fucking hate shrinks.....most just want to get paid for prescribing shit. They REALLY don't care if you are dealing with what made you depressed to begin with....just take a pill, hunny and STFU. I know what I need to do to deal with my depression and soul-crushing emotions....but they want to drug me with shit to the point that I'm too exhausted and stoned to give a shit about dealing with them. Now I've just reached my breaking point. I'm so utterly exhausted that I can't even sit and meditate....doesn't that sound ridiculous!? I'm tired...so so tired....beyond the point of help. My boy shouldn't have to deal with it anymore. It breaks my heart everyday that I physically and emotionally cannot give him what he needs and craves because I'm just empty. I love him more than anything in this world....and I love him enough to do him the favor of removing my miserable existence from his life so he can be happy.
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Very heartwrenching.. Why don't you stick with us awhile we are good listeners ansd will show you support..Keep posting here and telling your story..I would like to know what the sence of urgency is to leave.. Your son will always need his mom..
     
  6. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    Well I certainly have time to pour it all out...but for now I need to sleep. My boy gets up very early. Not been sleeping well for months and trying to keep up with him all day on 2-3 hours of sleep a night is taking it's toll on me health-wise. Feel like I'm literally dying everyday. Just ready to speed up the process:(.
     
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    G'nite. Sleep well. :hug: I hope to hear from you soon. All the best...Mr. A
     
  8. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Doctors are taught to diagnosis and give a patient medication to help them feel better. People get sick, and they need medical help when they do. I want to be a doctor, my life dream, I'd do it for free without any problem. There are plenty of doctors that do not take up this job so they can suck up the money from it, they did it so they could have a job where they could help people.

    I have a doctor, bound and determined, he's going to make me better, if it's his last conquest in life. My GP has went way overboard with having to put up with me, I've never had one unkind word from him over it. He didn't just shove medication down my throat, he'd spend time talking to me, even after he was home and off of the job. He's done alot to try to help me. I almost put my therapist in tears. I had one that would hug me everytime she saw me. Without them, I wouldn't have made it through this long. They are my support, I know I have them to turn to when I need help. My gastro doctor is one of the sweetiest ladies I've ever met.. She'd do whatever she could to help me. She's even randomly called just to check on me to see how I was doing.

    Some doctors are dicks I know. They did get in it just for the $$. Or some want access to drugs. Sad to say. But I know for a fact, that the larger part of them, are not like that. Yes I've had my share of bad doctors, left their asses, and found some good ones worth having.

    You have so much anger built up, obviously life has given you a very hard kick in the ass. Well, I hope you can at least find some comfort here talking to us.
     
  9. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    I am angry.....angry and bitter....yet another reason I'm done. I've tried for years to release all this anger, but I'm so tired of being a human doormat for life it's almost impossible. No one wants to be around an angry person and I can't blame them. I've already practically become a shut-in. All that's left is to remove myself from this world so no one has to deal with me anymore.
    I wish I could find a doctor like you have, Cutie. I can't even find one like that for my son. He's had 7 different primary care doctors in 11 years. He's treated like a second-class citizen too. Poor baby:*(.
     
  10. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well I've had my share of bad luck with doctors. One did a surgery on me to look in my bladder over chronic infections, and it left me with 3 organs prolapsed, and it caused me to urinate over 100 times a day, pressure, urgency, pissing on myself, oh the fun. I was diagnosed with a condition I don't have, told lies about my bladder size, capacity, whatever. He yelled at me claiming my bladder was shrinking and if I had a bladder repair, I was going to make my condition worse. Well I trusted my gut instinct, and went through with it anyways, and had to get a couple of organs removed while I was at it. Went to another doctor to see how far this one lied to me, he does a cysto on me and my rectum prolapses. Hahaha..

    I've had a therapist tell me bluntly while laying in the hospital after a suicide attempt with zoloft dealing with an emotionally abusive husband, and him sitting right there, that she was going to have sex with him, if I didn't straighten myself up.

    I overheard a radiologist telling another that I had been to another hospital many times in the past, and I was just making up being sick, this was before they did the x-rays. I don't really know how she had any way of knowing how many times I've been to another ER, or any right to know it.

    Went to the ER so I could get smarted off and told that they don't deal with chronic pain. Same doctor saturday night, after I overdosed, sends me home with kidney pain and blood pressure of 179/99 and doesn't do a damn thing but a urine test, and lied and said I had an infection when I don't. They wouldn't even call my doctor and see why I needed to be admitted. Told this same ER doc before I overdosed and that my pain was so bad, I wanted to put a bullet in my mouth. What does he do? Absolutely Fkn nothing.

    A dentist that pulled out half my teeth over on one side of my mouth, claiming I needed a root canal or would have to get them pulled, knowing I didn't have that kind of money, but medicaid paid to have them pulled, so I lose half my teeth, only to find out through another dentist where I had been to also, that most of the fillings I needed in my teeth, were not deep. This is around the time he tried to take two from the other side, but he didn't get the chance.

    So those doctors can pretty much go FK themselves for all I care. Some people, doesn't matter what they chose to do for a living, are complete dumb fk jerks.. I should be petrified of going to a doctor by now. But I know the one's I have now, I couldn't ask for any better. I know they care about my well being.

    I feel that anger. I have some myself. You can blow up about life anytime you want with me. Sometimes it's just nice to be able to get it all out. What you do with your life is your choice, none of us can make that decision for you, only try to help you along the way. But I would like to be here for you while you are still choosing to live. I'm sure I'm world's worst with advice but I know how to listen.
     
  11. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    I moved to North Carolina to get my son into a better school system and be able to stop working because I was headed right for a nervous breakdown from extreme stress and the fact that I do EVERYTHING alone. My friend bought a house here and begged me to come....wouldn't have moved if I didn't have a place to come to. "I'll be there for you....you'll have help and support...everything will be okay." Now that I'm here there is NONE of that. Asking her to keep an eye on him for 10 minutes so I can grab a quick shower is like I'm asking her to cut off a limb. I have NO family here and she's my only friend....and now I feel like a leper:*(. We got nailed with Hurricane Irene and have no power for god knows how long, so we're staying at her sister's. I HATE IT.....I'm spending the whole time trying to make sure my son doesn't "annoy" them or "break their shit". I'm sitting on the couch in the living room with my boy while the rest of the family has scattered and locked themselves in their rooms to get away from my son. How would that make you feel? Certainly not welcome. Might as well go back to the house with no electricity and just sweat out the 100-plus degree weather. Now I'm almost 900 miles from my family and have never felt so lonely in my life. I feel like my son and I are just a burden in my friend's life now....even though she KNEW what it was gonna be like. Before I moved here I was very blunt about what it can be like sometimes living with and caring for a disabled child. I honestly think people think I'm making shit up for attention. Now I feel like screaming "WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!! Now you know why I'm so stressed out and unhappy!!" I just can't even begin to describe how fucking lonely and "in the way" I feel here. And when I tell people back home how I'm feeling, instead of being understanding and compassionate all I'm hearing is "You're an idiot! I knew that would happen! You just never listen!" Meanwhile, these are the people that when I was THERE and asking for help and compassion and guidance they couldn't be bothered. There's just no place for me in this world. Not really a place for my son either, but he deserves to live his life. I guess I just don't and I'm DONE fighting and trying anymore. It's not fair...it's not right....but it's just the way it is :*(. I just want this loneliness and pain to end :*(.
     
  12. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    We're not too far apart. My brother & son live in NC. I thought about living there myself, but I just can't seem to leave my home town, mostly because of my mom. Have you thought about going back home to your family? Sounds like you could really use them in your life right now.

    I'm sorry they are treating you two like that. How old is your son? I bet he's a babydoll. The more rotten they are, the cutier they get. Why is he disabled hun?
     
  13. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    My son is 11 years old and has Down Syndrome...total shock when he was born. My goal is to move back to New England, which is where I'm originally from....don't have the money to do it. I'm hoping my mom and sister and her kids will move back when school gets out this year....but that's a LONG ways away:/
     
  14. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hugs to both of you, letting you know that I'm keeping up with this thread. :grouphug:
     
  15. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well I hope it works out for you. :hugtackles:
     
  16. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    Thanks Alex and Cutie. Sadly....I still haven't changed my mind. I'm so so tired. If anything, moving back home will give me an opportunity to say goodbye to the rest of my family. Everyday....I'm just reminded that I shouldn't be here. I can't put up a fight anymore:*(.
     
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