Making preperations...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by john211, Mar 15, 2010.

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  1. john211

    john211 New Member

    I wrecked my future

    I'm 21 years old. I hate my life with a deep, searing passion. I have no hope for a future, and am stuck in my past. I commited juvenile felonies at age of 16, barring me from ever working in law enforcement or a government job, but at the time it was OK since I always dreamed of being in military anyway. At 19 I enlisted in the marines and for some reason, i won't ellaborate since I've done it too many times, I got scared and lied about being gay to get out. I don't know why I did that, I think I thought I'd be able to get back in when I was more prepared but I soon found out I could NEVER join any branch again in my life. That was a year and a half ago. Everyday I regret it, thinking about the times before that day and how I still had potential at life.

    I have felonies, can't join the military, am sexually disturbed to the point where my fetish's have taken over my entire sexual life making it literally impossible to ever meet a girl who would understand me. There is absolutely no hope for me...and I laugh at these teenagers who say "I GOT A C- I WANT TO KILL MYSELF IM REALLY GONNA", or "Noone loves me" Does anyone on here really know how it FEELS to have purposely, conciously DESTROYED any future you could have had? Not mistakingly done it, PURPOSELY done it not caring at the time only to realize the horror of your actions months later?. I honestly believe I have a legitamite exscuse to kill myself, I mean come on really....what future can I ever obtain? I'm not motivated, I'm terribly depressed, am socially awkward where as noone likes to talk, look, or be near me. Will most likely never meet a girl who will satisfy my disturbing sexual frustrations. I work at dunkin donuts where people I knew from school openly laugh in my FACE when they see me. I got zero confidence for good reason since I've done nothing but fail at life, so no employers at good jobs want to hire me. No friends either, zero.

    I've tried to look on the bright side and tell myself I can just start over...but everyday I think of how if i stayed in the military I could have finished service, then most likely become a policeman and have done ALL the stuff I dreamt of as a kid. I feel like I'm living the failed life and somewhere in a parellel universe I'm doing the stuff I was meant to do. Besides, I am a coward...I ran from service with the tail between my legs. People are killed for that. The japenese would kill themselves because it was their custom to not live in shame for things like that. I really don't want to kill myself, But I feel it's the only way to end this pain. If I don't, i will live in shame and regret for the rest of my life working minimum wage jobs thinking about suicide everyday.

    I've always been a disturbed child. All my life I was just addicted to playing video games so I never learned how to do anything except use a game controller. I've lost all the friends I've ever made, shunned all the people that actually did want to be my friend or help me. Did horrible in school, got addicted to weed which fucked me over a lot. Had a horrible fight with my mother ( i was an angry teen, got kicked out of home a lot ) and ended up getting in her in a headlock which resulted in my getting stabed, leaving me two giant scars on my arm that never got stitched up so they are nice, big, and gruesome. I need to look at that everyday I wake up as a reminder I could have killed my own mother. I dont want to live life being drugged up on meds, just barely getting by. I DONT want to live like that, I DONT want to work minimum wage jobs anymore and look like a fool, I DONT want to think about how i destroyed my future anymore!! I HAD SO MUCH POTENTIAL AND I THREW IT ALL AWAY BECAUSE OF MY COWARDICE AND STUPIDITY

    And it's not like I can just say "alright i fucked up, just gonna have to do my best to get by" I can't ebven look forward to meeting a girl. If I could find love I think I'd be able to make it, but again...I am sexually disturbed. I only like certain things that your average girl would never do. So love is pretty much screwed right there.

    I think I'm going to get on life insurance, hopefully be able to purchase a magnum. Put my mother as the sole beneficiary ( my father left us and my sisters dont give a fuck bout me or my troubled mother ) and end it after leaving consecutive notes in my home so my Mom wouldnt have to find me in surprise. It would start with a letter on the front door telling her that she now has enough money to keep her home, then with notes on the floor one after the other trying to prepare her with the final letter on my closet telling her to call 911 and not open the door. I've thought this through a lot but deep down of course I wish I could be saved...that's prolly why I'm putting this on the forum. THis is really long and I doubt anyone even cares...I really don't know what to do
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2010
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry that you hate life and feel it's over for you.....21 is still so young..
    here on the forum we care about you and will try to offer help and support..
    I wonder if you have had any therapy at all?....
    can I suggest you go talk to your doctor or call a crisis line and talk to them?.
    maybe medication will help you...
    I hope you'll keep posting....
  3. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    We do care, and I do hope you choose life over suicide. Alright, so you can't rejoin the military, but it isn't like there are NO other career paths for you to try. You are only 21 years old, after all.....

    Oftentimes life insurance policies will not pay out if the cause of death is determined to be suicide. So that sounds like a really bad plan anyway.
  4. I read your post and felt compelled to post a response. It was a good decision to reach out this way, and it's definitely not the act of someone who is completely unmotivated, though I can definitely relate to that feeling. It took courage to write this message. I know, because I was scared to post here too. You're wrong; someone does care. Others (including myself) who share these feelings care, because we understand and can relate. I encourage you to continue to post your feelings. Even after only posting a few times, I've felt better, because I could share thoughts that I can't tell friends and family. Thank you for posting and hope you will do so more.
  5. weevil

    weevil Well-Known Member

    In the summer of 2007 I was due to go back to Uni, my 2nd chance as I'd previously gone before but did not get on with the course at all. But for some reason the moving to a new town, plus several other things made me panic and I fled back to my home town before classes even started. I regretted that decision so much, I had no idea what I was going to do after that, no future at all. I applied again last year but my application was too late, the course was full by the time they recieved it. I applied again this year and was rejected, very possibly because of how I ditched them the first time around. It was a shock at first as I always imagined I would go there. But now I will be going somewhere else, a completely brand new fresh start, I think that's worked out for the best as since 2007 I've always been thinking "I would be in this year now" and probably would have compared myself to that had I got in this year or last.

    You need a new idea or a fresh take on an old one so it's not so easy to compare. I regret so many decisions I make and beat myself up about them. I regret not applying to other Uni's last year as well as that one, I regret moving into a houseshare last summer as it turned into one of the worst experiences ever. But we had our reasons for making these decisions when we did even if we can't see it now.

    You had your reasons for leaving the marines when you did, had you stayed your experience might have got even worse. You only compare your life to it now because it's the unknown and you don't like your current situation. Try to think of that happening for a reason so you could be in the right place at the right time for what could happen next. I'm sorry if that sounds really peppy, but I talk myself into thinking that way.

    Is there somewhere you can get some careers advice or some kind of other support? There could be things you could do that you hadn't even thought of. I'm surprised crimes that you commited at 16 would still affect you now, I thought everything was wiped at 18 but I have no idea of law.

    Some of you still has some motivation though and doesn't want to quit yet, thats the part that wrote the post. Keep us updated.
  6. Jacko99

    Jacko99 New Member

    Re: I wrecked my future

    I know how you feel. I'm 21 yrs old myself and I've done some research on how I want to end my own string of failures. Most life insurance companies won't pay out if suicide is determined in the first 2 years of the policy. You have to make it look like a natural/accidental death if you want to your mother to be compensated for your death.

    I'm addicted to weed but i don't think it's the cause of the depression, it simply amplifies problems and issues that were latent within you.

    I also found this site to be an interesting read;

    It's not helped me as I still want to go through with my 'untimely death' as soon as I finish planning everything out so my mother does get the compensation she deserves instead of the pathetic son she never deserved.

    Edit: also found this article which should have everything you need to know on suicide insurance:
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 18, 2010
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