Making real differences.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stylez, Jan 1, 2007.

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  1. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    Do any of you know i exist? if not what can i do to make you realize i exist. I read these posts and all them have a similar theme. so responding with therefore will have a similar theme. Thats when things get repetitious and it seems like is noone is an individual in here.

    WE NEED A CHANGE IN HERE AND I'M WILLING TO CHANGE...ive been thru the suiciadal attempts, MUTIPLE hosplizations almost lasting a whole month, and im only 22.

    I'm yearning to talk about the experiences i had and i feel it can help alot of people...i have college papers on things that went on in high school etc.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2007
  2. Raven

    Raven Guest

    I am always interested in hearings others opinions and experiences on things, pick something that you wish to discuss and I would love to debate on it, or if it is life experiences feel free to share them. Please just realize I live a boring life and I would not really be able to return any good stories myself.

    ~Raven
     
  3. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    College paper on your state of mind ENC 1101

    The word identity and what it means is always open to interpretation. No two opinions are the same when one’s own identity is in question. What you believe in considering what shapes a persons identity and describing the identity in your self, is exactly the question I have a burning desire to answer.


    When I was younger, I lacked self confidence and because of this, I was very easily influenced by my peers. I felt the need for acceptance, and the model that consumed me were the older kids at school, the T.V. I would watch, and the music I would listen to. I was led to believe that drinking, smoking, fighting and belittling weaker people was all a natural part of growing up. I admired the traits in people who were embraced by living that lifestyle.


    In high school I seldom heard of the benefits of education, whether it was because of the lack of energy from the teachers, me questioning the lack of usefulness of the subjects taught in school, or just the fact that it wasn’t the right time for me maturity wise. Speaking of immaturity, I felt I knew everything there was to know about life. I felt I did a good job of judging character, of observing valuable traits in people, and subsequently, trying to emulate those particular traits I admire. I felt I understood enough, and if a person tried and preach about how much I didn’t know, I would immediately think of him as being out of touch with the present generation.


    There is an irony regarding this. You don’t realize how much you do not know until you experience it and have had time to reflect upon those experiences. If any of those experiences were significant enough to put you into a different state of mind and to make you realize how ignorant your young mind was, then you accomplished half the battle of growing into a better human being.


    In high school, I was convinced that in order to succeed, it wasn’t about who you were. The opinion of others was solely based on who you associated with and who you hung out with. That was how you were portrayed, that was how you behaved, and that determined how much respect you deserved in the respect hierarchy of high school.

    Because of this fact, I started hanging out with those types of people. Even if I didn’t have much in common with them, I really just wanted to be seen, and to believe that I fit in and accepted by my peers. After a while I was getting bored with my drinking friends, or maybe they were getting bored of me. Anyhow, I started to hang out with a different group of friends. These were the weed smoking group of kids. And eventually I hung out with like five or six different groups of friends. There were the smart kids, the funny kids, the kids who played sports, the drinking, the smoking, the fighting kids, etc. In retrospect that would seem like a good way to live in high school, but for me I noticed something. What I believe now thinking back, is that if you don’t belong to a certain group almost exclusively, then you might as well belong to no group at all. Because for me, I was casual friends with all these people, but I never got really close with any of them. It felt all superficial and just not real. I noticed that I would act differently based on each group I was with.

    And that was where the trouble started.
    I felt all these people perceived me in a certain way, and if I didn’t live up to it, I would be setting myself up to fall down, hard. It was all good for a while, but when I would hang out with the substance abusers, or the weed heads, while I was under the influence, I would get a different state of mind. I would just get paranoid about saying something stupid, and soon just felt very guarded. It finally reached a point where I felt alienated by the same friends I’ve know for nearly six years. I didn’t know who I was anymore. That’s why after high school I stopped really hanging out with most of my friends, except the dudes who were on the straight and narrow and who took college seriously. I was doing great in college, felt better about my self, meeting girls who finally weren’t as superficial as in high school, girls who were just down to earth.


    After about a year into college I found out that my cousins were coming in from California and Virginia. I hadn’t seen my older cousins in years. I was 19 at the time, and my cousins were 25 and 28 years old. When they arrived, we had a good time. We ate dinner, drank a little bit, just caught up with the lives of each other. I wasn’t really as close to my older cousins as my older brother was who at the time was 23 years old. So I felt kind of left out.


    One night my two cousins and I decided to go out. Somehow we got into conversations about all the trippy stories that happed to my cousins while they were high on all types of stuff: LSD, Acid, Weed, Hash, you name it. As they were talking, I was thinking, “Damn, these guys had been through it all.” I admired that. I told them that I had a friend who could score us some weed. So that night we were all going to get high. I was thinking that this was my family, so I could smoke until I pass out.


    After we were all blind from the drugs, I started getting the feeling of paranoia again. I realized I just wanted to do this so I could feel closer to my cousins. I couldn’t get control of myself and I just broke down. I tried to stay calm while on the ride home, but I knew I was trippin; and they told me just to go straight to my room and not tell anyone how bad the evening got. When I got home I got really depressed. I felt as if I didn’t belong anywhere. I now felt alienated by my family. I got really serious that night because I remembered strongly debating whether or not to kill myself. I decided to tell my brother about it. I admitted to him how I felt I didn’t belong anywhere, and that I had looked up to people who drank and did drugs. We drove all through the night just talking about shit we never used to talk about.


    The morning came and my brother told me to tell my parents. This was a hard thing to do, because I didn’t want my Dad to think that I couldn’t handle my problems well enough that I would go as far as thinking about suicide. Being that I was still messed up from the drugs from the night before, I suddenly got angry and violent toward my family. I blamed my brother for not looking out for me when I was in high school, to show me how to grow up. I was eventually taken to the hospital because I was getting out of control. I was there to get sober and to find out what was bothering me. When they took my urine, they found out that a lot of different drugs were in my system. He said the marijuana might have been laced with other types of drugs.


    After I sobered up, my family and my Uncle’s family decided to have an intervention and to see how I felt about all of this. This was where I finally was able to see the reasons behind my ways. I realized how foolish it was to try and fit in with a group of people by doing drugs, drinking, etc. in order to get their respect. Sooner or later they’ll know you’re just trying to put on an act and that would be how you would feel alienated. Even if you did earn the respect of your peers, that doesn’t mean you got the respect of everybody. Some people would think I was foolish to do these harmful things just to feel accepted. The fact is if you hang out with people who do drugs, the relationship is not based on friendship; it’s based on the drugs themselves. If you aren’t able to be friends while you’re in your true state of mind, they should never be your friends to begin with. You have to realize that everybody is not going to like you no matter what you do. By living through your own heart, you soon get a sense of pride and dignity in yourself for what you’ve been through. In trying to get respect from other people, first learn to respect yourself.


    There is life after high school. There comes a time when you realize how pointless and damaging it could be, to engulf yourself in the thoughts of how other people perceive you. You realize that everybody has his/her own problems, and the world doesn’t revolve around you. It baffles me how common this personal epidemic is with high school kids. Hopefully anyone who has gone through or is going through this very problem right now; just believe in yourself and try to take this quote to heart,


    “Be who you are and say what you want, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
    -Dr. Seuss
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2007
  4. Daniel

    Daniel Active Member

    Well said couldnt agree more.

    I catch myself now and then being fake and putting on a pretense but in general I am genuine. The pretense of our enitre society is one of the main things that depresses me because it makes everything so pointless and empty.

    In terms of what is identity which you mentioned at the start, have you looked into spiritual teachings? Ive found it interesting studing the spiritual description of the "ego" as opposed to the phycological. This is the Anit-self or the fake self, the thought forms in you head you accumilate over time which contribute to your sense of identity and how you percieve yourself and others. Spirtually speaking this is somthing that must be overcome. This false sense of identity all people have makes them constantly search for somthing to add to themselves in order to feel complete and accepted when in reality you are already complete and whole. The key is to observe your thoughts and emotions and realise they are not you but instead it is the observer in the silence which is the real you.

    The reason your diffrent types of friends became those "types" is because they felt it would add to their sense of identity and somehow make them more acceptable to the world more important if you like or as you put it yourself to fit in. The drug takers you looked up to also took those drugs to fit in.
    Anyway nice post

    take it easy.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2007
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