Hi Belzy welcome to SF
I can see that you're going through a really hard time at the moment and I wanted to put in my two cents because I can relate to your way of thinking. Last year I pushed away all my friends and family because I assumed that they didn't love me enough, sometimes because of the most trivial reasons. I also believed everyone is selfish and no-one genuinely cares. I denounced my current relationships as well because I assumed they were all fake and there was no real love. I got into a relationship which although was wonderful at the time, still did not help my suicidal thoughts. So I was stuck in this dystopia where I felt so unhappy. Then the worst thing imaginable happened, the love of my life broke up with me and I had my first attempt at suicide. When it didn't work, I felt the most helpless I had ever felt and I came to this site and someone who barely knew me stayed up with me for hours and hours reassuring me that it wasn't the end, that I deserved to live and that I should safe myself in that moment.. and I did. I ended up contacting some family members (who I thought hated me) and they drove all the way to my house and supported me for the next few days. Comforting me, giving me food and a place to stay and lots of hugs and love. If I had never reached out, I would have never known how much they loved me and now in the first time in years do I feel I have a real family, somewhere that I belong. After that my view on the world changed. I became a lot more forgiving and less cynical. I tried to be less judgemental and try to understand why people do things and accept it instead of criminalising them and pushing them away forever. I made a plan with my only friend at the time to forgive everyone in my past and present and renew my friendships. I promised to myself that I would live a life of hope, gratitude and not of resentment and to focus more on helping people who suffer with suicidal thoughts like I did. I believed that no-one in the world cared about me but someone did that night that I tried to die. It takes a lot of inner strength but I don't feel suicidal anymore. I feel powerful and hopeful and I feel like I have a real purpose. I hope this helped in some way, feel free to message me if you want to talk more about this
I can see that you're going through a really hard time at the moment and I wanted to put in my two cents because I can relate to your way of thinking. Last year I pushed away all my friends and family because I assumed that they didn't love me enough, sometimes because of the most trivial reasons. I also believed everyone is selfish and no-one genuinely cares. I denounced my current relationships as well because I assumed they were all fake and there was no real love. I got into a relationship which although was wonderful at the time, still did not help my suicidal thoughts. So I was stuck in this dystopia where I felt so unhappy. Then the worst thing imaginable happened, the love of my life broke up with me and I had my first attempt at suicide. When it didn't work, I felt the most helpless I had ever felt and I came to this site and someone who barely knew me stayed up with me for hours and hours reassuring me that it wasn't the end, that I deserved to live and that I should safe myself in that moment.. and I did. I ended up contacting some family members (who I thought hated me) and they drove all the way to my house and supported me for the next few days. Comforting me, giving me food and a place to stay and lots of hugs and love. If I had never reached out, I would have never known how much they loved me and now in the first time in years do I feel I have a real family, somewhere that I belong. After that my view on the world changed. I became a lot more forgiving and less cynical. I tried to be less judgemental and try to understand why people do things and accept it instead of criminalising them and pushing them away forever. I made a plan with my only friend at the time to forgive everyone in my past and present and renew my friendships. I promised to myself that I would live a life of hope, gratitude and not of resentment and to focus more on helping people who suffer with suicidal thoughts like I did. I believed that no-one in the world cared about me but someone did that night that I tried to die. It takes a lot of inner strength but I don't feel suicidal anymore. I feel powerful and hopeful and I feel like I have a real purpose. I hope this helped in some way, feel free to message me if you want to talk more about this