I've posted once before I it was moved. I guess I didn't know what I was doing. Anyway, I've been trying to seek help and after some many rejections from different doctors over the past 10 months have left me feeling defeated. I'm just looking for hel. That's all! I have very good health insurance and I have a private psychiatrist (who is on leave til Sept). She left me with a couple of referrals that ended before gettig started. After beening rejected so many times I just gave up. I started to find help online and writen daily e-mails to keep talking to someone. I have no support. I people who I talked to don't understand and I started to sink deeper in depression and thoughts of suicide where becoming more that a passing thought. I secretly planned everything. I'm very tired and I was not planning on dealing with this. I'm caused enough financial problems (medical bills) and taking my family down with me. I should stop all of this now. It's rather simple. I worked out every detail. All the way to handling of my body and where they will find my body and my notes. Right now I still talking. and I hope to keep talking. This is my only place I feel I can talk without any judgements placed upon me. I will take my doctor's advice and stay away from the hospitals Anyone out there that don't mind talking to me. I just need someone to talk to. Keep me from spiraling down. I don't know when my doctor will return, but I need help now. When things get beyond what I can handle, I will admit myself (again) inti the psy ward. This time I don't think I will make it out of there. If I end up there again, I will know what to do and where. After being in 3 different hospitals, I know I will be placed in the locked unit if I disclosed my thoughts and detailed plans. I'm a "true" hopeless case.