Making up the balance of life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by David34, Nov 3, 2011.

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  1. David34

    David34 New Member

    Well let me first introduce myself, I'm David, 34. Sorry for my spelling mistakes but English is not my native language.

    I've been an alcoholic for many years. But as I never had romantic relationships, always lived alone I didn't really hurt 'many' people. Never agressive when I'm drunk, on the contrary. Have lived most of my life very solitary, not the type you would think he's an acoholic, again, on the contrary ... Never acted drunk in bars, on the street, ... Drunk a lot alone at home so I've never been seen drunk in public. If you would meet me one would think, there we have a very descent conservative young man speaking and behaving so well. What kind of intereting job would he have?

    I haven't worked for more than 9 years, lived extremely solitary. I lived of the money I got from a person that was much older than me and I took care of one or two days a week until that person run out of money two years ago (that person died this summer, financially ruined). I spend in a couple of years what most people would consider a small fortune, living like a prince.

    When the money stopped flowing my way things turned really bad. When I knew I wouldn't get anymore money in october 2009 I knew with my addiction things would go totally wrong, as I drunk and was used to a 'lifestyle'. Days later I planned a trip early november to NY and booked a short stay in my favourite hotel. Things could only 'go down' so I thought it was better to make an end to it right away and not go through all the meaningless misery that was waiting for me. I was gonna enjoy a couple of days in that favourite spot, lay myself to sleep in that big comfortable bed and never wake up again. I didn't do it, I should have, because I was right things could only go downhill from there.

    Run out of money september 2010, went back to my parents. In that short period of time had sold everything I had, made 75.000$ of debt and did things that were illegal. Stayed at my parents until march of this year and living alone again since then. Things are bad, I live totally isolated in a town I don't like and I'm on and off the antabuse (staying sober for a month, drinking for a month ...). I'm sober for more than 2 weeks now and tried AA. I'm not religious and studied philosophy, so I'm very skeptic. I understand it can be helpful for many people, and that's a good thing. Keep their mind away from alcohol and indoctrinate them with something else, why not if it works. It doesn't work for me and I don't feel comfortable with it (for example, step 11 has in a couple of small pages - pocket size - 74 times the word God and praying in it), going back is no option (btw, that's not the reason I don't go there anymore but maybe most stopped drinking but more than half is smoking themselves to death, the 3 times I went there I came out smelling like an ashtray). I'm an atheïst and studied philosophy (which was a very interesting study I always wanted to do, but it hasn't made it easier to deal with people on a daily basis, as most they find interesting I find futile and boring).

    So now I'm looking up to 120 hours of community work as a punishment (probably some more to come at a second trial) and 75.000$ in debt. I could search for a job but how do you explain that you haven't worked for over 9 years? Btw the idea of having to work together with people frightens me the most (it's not that I'm frightened to work). All I did the last decade was drinking, eating out ... alone with a book and magazine as company. I can't stand the idea having to work together with people and listening to smalltalk everyday, it literally gives me the shivers). Now some of you are probably gonna ask the question what are you doing here on this forum? Good question ...

    So 'keep on going', 'there will be good moments again', etc .... All good and well. But even when I search for work and go into a debt settlement it will take me 10 years as a single to get debt free (and 'survive' in the meanwhile). That's the best case scenario when I stay sober, another challenge ...

    So yes maybe there will be some good moments, but will it be worth it? Through how much humiliation will I have to go through to have 'a couple of good moments'? Is that worth it? Now that I'm sober these days and thinking about it all in a rational way and making up some kind of 'balance' I realize that I was right in october 2009, it could only go downhill, and it did, even more than I thought it would. So these days I'm calm, thinking it all through in a rational way. Is it worth it to go through at least 10 years of financial 'surviving', humiliations, do jobs that feel humiliating to me and work and listen to people that are boring to me?

    I'm sure some people recognize this. This isn't about being emotionally unstable or an impulsive thought about suicide because some romantic relationship failed. This is about calmly and in a rational way thinking about all the pros and cons about going on, and realizing that the chance that there's a good future ahead is almost zero. Maybe it's not too late after all to have that last enjoyable trip I planned in november 2009, and spare myself all the troubles and humiliation that lay ahead of me.
  2. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hey david,Welcome to sf
  3. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Friend and Antiquities Friend Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome David.

    I wish I had some advice for your situation, but I am not sure how to help.

    Being isolated for so long does create problems. I wonder if there are public mental health facilities where you could get some professional advice on how to work your way through these legal and financial troubles?

    We are here to support you the best we can. Keep posting. You'll find others in similar state of mind and that can be eye-opening as we sometimes see in others what we don't see in ourselves.

    I wish you well.
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