Male virginity and depression. My story

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Blueskies2121, Dec 5, 2013.

  1. Blueskies2121

    Blueskies2121 Member

    A little bit of background first...

    I am a rather introverted and shy male who recently turned 24 years old. I don't really have a physical self image problem because I know I'm a decent looking guy, but I have yet to have sex or do anything physically intimate with a girl besides random and brief make outs while drunk in college. I have quite a few girls that I'm friends with currently, but nothing beyond platonic relationships. When ever I do decide to open up to someone I'm interested in, I am told that they just want to be friends. They all tell me that I'm awesome and that I will make a great husband for some girl. I then get the whole speal that I'm a great listener, am genuine, am sensitive, and the right girl will come along eventually when you least expect it. On other hand are all my male friends. By this point every single one of my male friends has hooked up with girls, had relationships, and a fair amount of them are even in very long term and serious relationships. At the same time all I hear from guys is about who've they got with, crazy sexual things they've done, how good (or bad) looking the girl they got with is, how awesome high school/college was because of it... ect (although I have guy friends who are more or less extreme, this is generally how it is). The girls i know always seem to complain about guys like this yet those same guys are the ones they get with while I'm left to fall asleep and wake up cold and alone every day.

    At this point I feel like I've been living life wrong, and that I completely missed out. Although I have a couple girls in my life who will tell me they love me and try to bring up my confidence; I feel, as a guy, that I really need some form of physical intimacy to have a sense of emotional satisfaction in my life when it comes to relationships. I feel at this point, no matter how "awesome" my personality is I will never find a girl who wants to be anything more than a friend to me. From what I've seen from my peers, relationships begin with people finding each other attractive and/or interesting on the surface, then hooking up, and then they either become friends and form a relationship or eventually move on to the next. Because of my shyness I always seem to become too friendly with a girl before I try to make it sexual and that makes going beyond just friends impossible. From my experience, it seems that there is something intangible that makes me unfit, and I will forever be alone (whether that be alone for one night or long term).

    The reason that I linked depression into the title is not that I feel that my lack of physical intimacy is the reason of my depression... Although I've never experienced such a thing, I feel confident that there are so many more thing to life that can make it happy and fulfilling beyond being physically intimate with another. My main problem (and one of the major reasons I hate myself so much) is that I feel that this complete lack of intimacy is holding me back mentally in so many other aspects of my life. For example, Its almost impossible for me to concentrate on anything career orientated, I wake up and fall asleep every day thinking about past, present, and future failures, I get way too easily emotional and jealous of friends hooking up with each other, I find it very hard to control my drinking and I end up getting too messed up and embarrassing myself, and the list goes on and on. A large reason for all this is because I feel like a lesser human being for failing to be intimate with a girl even though I have no moral or religious objections to doing so. All of this ends up negatively effecting me, my friends, and my family, and that is what hurts the most.

    I've read all the stories saying that when girls get older they will look for guys who are more caring and attentive, but I don't necessarily know if I want the first girl I hook up with to be someone who is only looking for marriage. I feel like I missed out on a large part of the human experience already. My mind is so racked now that I don't even trust my feelings. I spend 18-20 hours a day just in bed wrapped in blankets cause I just don't know what to do anymore. I cannot afford therapy at this point in my life which is something I know desperately need. I've been considering options such as hiring an escort, killing myself, castration, homosexuality, coming out to all my friends/family about my situation, but all those options seem to have a great deal of negative consequence with with very little positive.

    I just want to know if anyone has experienced or is experiencing something similar? I would be greatly interested in any feedback or advice especially from guys because I'm really lost at the moment (although any opinion is appreciated, I feel sexuality differs in some very strong key ways between men and women. Feel free to debate me on this though).

    tl;dr: I'm the typical nice guy who always gets friend zoned. It is very frustrating and is negatively effecting many aspects of my life. I don't know what to do anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 5, 2013
  2. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    It's basic human nature that females like a guy who can protect them unfortunately the 'nice guy' badge does not invoke that feeling. Also quiet confidance is key. Its all about personal projection and positive mental attitude. If you project the image that you are a suitable partner I.e make a girl feel safe and loved then they will see you that way. If you project nice guy then thats all you get seen as. Try going somewhere that no one knows you and imagine yourself as an alpha so to speak not the nice guy. Be confident be attentive be calm. You don't have to stop being nice just change how you deliver it.
  3. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    If you ever want to talk more just let me know. Im male just a little older than you and always used to be the "friend" now im the guy that advises my mates on what to say/ do next
  4. Blueskies2121

    Blueskies2121 Member

    Appreciated man. I guess I've always had this romantic idea that during my adolescence and early adult hood I would of found some girl who would of saw past the shy part of me and was willing to take a chance. Unfortunately not, and its finally taken me this long to completely give up on that dumb notion. I've been to plenty concerts, clubs, bars, parties, festivals, and the like, so its not like I'm that anti social (although lately I have been). I don't really get bad anxiety around women either (although I'm still a bit awkward lol). Its just hard for me to project an image of a confident and strong man to others when I'm not entirely sure how they actually see me... if that makes sense.

    It is also very tough for me to be confident in general when I feel like I'm so far behind every other guy my age when it comes to both relationships and intimacy. I always think to myself, why would any girl want to be with me when the majority of other guys are way more experienced than I am, and though that thought process I feel like every other guy is better than I am. I try to tell myself that that way of thinking is wrong and untrue, but my mind continues to think that way because I cannot actually justify otherwise. When I go out I can lie to my self and still try, but I feel girls will always know. That is one of the reasons I usually will become friendly with girls first. Its tough for me to deal with rejection from girls because it further enforces the unhealthy logic of my mind. This is one of the reasons its such a for me struggle because I don't know how to over come this inferiority complex.
  5. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    Not one person is better or worse than the rest, just different. So your inferiority complex is just a complex it only exists in you. Experience dont count for alot with yonger males most guys are just stick it in and go as hard and as fast as you can ( wrong thing to do unless your both drunk) . Just experiment, the fact that you are attentive will make you better because you will be able to read how the girl is responding. Lets face it you can't learn to swim untill you jump in right?. Projeting confidence is not about being fake its more like "im a good guy, I have morals, im decent looking ect...(all the things you have said) but project that your happy and proud of your personality and be strong in that. There is a method to the initial chat. Icebreaker, introduction and initiate touch ie ( kiss on the cheek, shake hand), chit chat (age, work, hobbies, ) then offer a drink, chat abit more, thank her for the chat, tell her you enjoyed it. Ask her a small favour (important!!!) Asking favors is vital, people usually say yes and it makes them feel wanted,comfortable and happy. So ask something like... if my friends go off and do their idiot dancing later would it be ok to come and have another chat?? She will say yes. So leave it a while let her sit on it a while... shows your not a clingy guy. After a few cheeky looks and smiles go back over and get chatting and relax, eye contact is a must! Compliment her dress ( it looks good on you) not her looks cus shes probably heard it a million times that night. jewellery is also good... if she is wearing a bracelet don't be afraid to ask if you can see it... she will offer you her hand ;) more touch!! Final and most important tip quit whilst your ahead!! Dont run out of things to talk about. Tell her you have really enjoyed chatting to her and that you would love to get to know her better. Ask if she would like to get coffee sometime and chat in a less noisy place (introduction to the first date) finally ask for her number. Little things to remember call her by her name in chat like instead of so whats your hobbies.... it should be ... so (name) what are you hobbies. It shows more interest. If she looks at your lips she is thinking about kissing you and vice versa it will show her the same . Most of all have fun. ( ive done a Course on NLP btw). Sorry dude romance only exists in a relationship, or the movies. Now its all about the peacock strut these days. Rejection happens to all of us, but think about it you wont be any worse off than before you went out so why worry? Every one has different tastes thats not down to you so dont sweat it.
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I think a large part of it is what you are looking for. You discuss sex and and number of partners and sexual escapades- none of which has anything to do with a relationship or even real intimacy. You are looking for relationships and intimacy and your friends are looking for sex. Sex is much easier to find than those other 2. You may say you would settle for that - but if that is not what your actual motivation is then it will always come across as hollow or fake and you will back off when being aggressive about the sex because you are not actually as concerned about the physical sex as about having the girl "like you".

    In general, people are more likely to find what they are looking for - if when you went out you were like many males your age with the mindset of "I want to get laid" as your primary thought , that is what you would find. You are looking for friends, intimacy and relationships. It is the difference between looking for diamonds and looking for rocks. You are looking for a diamond and sad when you have nothing in your pocket with your friends talking about all the rocks they found makes you feel empty handed.

    You are also in a youngish age group as a male to be looking for relationships as a primary goal- if you are talking to 20-24 yo women the vast majority would not say on their way out the door for an evening "I hope i find a relationship tonight". That puts you at a huge disadvantage - what you are selling is not what they are buying. In fairness saying you are looking for a relationship with a pure stranger is not likely to work anyway.

    My advice would be to seriously consider what you are looking for. If it is just sex then that is what your intent should be when you go out. Sometimes, many times, that will turn into a relationship after enough tries. If it is just sex then it does not work to "be yourself" for some personality types. You have to do a lot of acting and pretending to be whatever the woman wants - playing - hence the term "player". If you tell the woman whatever they want to hear true or not true it is easy to seem very appealing to the woman. Not sustainable in any way of course, but you would likely accomplish the goal of "sex" and possibly get lucky and run across one where you could fix it and find a more real connection. The more likely outcome is you would be involved in a series of 2 week relationships that unravel as they realize "you are not the person they thought you were" because it was all fake to begin with.

    I am neither advocating for or against any particular approach - just trying (poorly) to explain the difference in approach. It would mean that you were not a virgin. When a person takes that route , understand the people they are meeting and having sex with are also being equally disingenuous most of the time. You are telling them anything they want to hear and they are going to reflect that back on you, so you may well be saying 2 weeks later "she is nothing like I thought" as well.....

    If you want to find a relationship then look toward a more mature crowd - late 20s or higher. They are tired of the games. But it will always be easier to find rocks than diamonds. The only important experience you lack by avoiding the "player" approach is learning the difference between an acceptable amount of "putting yourself in the best possible light" and lying or saying anything you need to say to get laid. That skill does unfortunately have some genuine value. The insecurity you feel about your experience in actual sex is going to make getting just sex a little more difficult as then you are not only fighting the battle of her willingness and interest but also your own apprehension at being successful in getting agreement may cause you to misstep.

    You cannot measure the goal of relationships and intimacy by a scorecard used in the game of sexual conquests. It is the same as a baseball player complaining about his freethrow percentage- there is no correlation to the sport he is playing and the skill he is trying to work on. If you want lots of sexual partners you need to play that game, if you want a relationship you can continue as you are and keep looking for the diamonds in a big field of rocks.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2013
  7. Blueskies2121

    Blueskies2121 Member

    @silentlyfading I feel one of the reasons I do fail so consistently is because I have a poor feel for all these little tricks you describe. I get the impression that for a lot of guys, doing things like little touches and picking up on small social ques come more naturally. Perhaps I will bring a little cheat sheet next time I go out haha.

    @NYJmpMaster That is very sound advice, but perhaps some of my thoughts didn't come off quite clearly as intended. I would love to be in a solid relationship with an awesome person someday, as I feel a great deal of other human beings feel. Although I am still young and still have yet to be with a women. Because of this I really do want to test the waters a bit sexually before I start throwing myself out there on a wife search. I'm afraid that if I was to go for older women looking for a more long term future thing, I might get frustrated down the line that I missed out a bit because I've only been with one person sexually. Even if I am completely into said person. That may sound quite vain, but it is an honest concern of mine. That doesn't mean I want to fill up a tally sheet with the people I get with though. If I do eventually become sexually active and I click with the first person I get with, I would have no opposition to forming a relationship out of it. If something long term comes out of it, then so be it. I just worry that having a long term relationship only mentality at my age would selling myself short on an enjoyable part of the human experience. Then again I wouldn't know. Perhaps I will realize that sex doesn't really mean that much and all I've really wanted is a someone I can connect with on a deeper level, but how would I know if I haven't tried it out yet?

    Also from my experience, most the relationships that people I know who are close to my age (like 20-30 ish year old) are in started when the couple were relative strangers or mild acquaintances, and they hook up either after a party, after going out to a bar, or after meeting on some website. Of course there are a few exception, but banking on these exceptions seems like an easy way to keep me frustrated and unsatisfied. I feel my sexual frustration is effecting my life in many negative ways contributing to my overall depression (as I've described in my earlier posts). I don't know how so many people on this website do it, but I feel like there is no way I could have a actual girlfriend with the mental state I'm in currently. I am generally an independent person and I want to focus on things like my career and traveling, but I almost feel like a failure and a lesser human at this point of my life. This low opinion of my self is definitely getting in the way of doing almost anything. Although being a virgin at 24 isn't the sole cause of this mindset (and I'm working on my other issues too), it is a large contributing factor.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2013
  8. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am going to say something that will likely be wildly unpopular but I happen to believe it to be true - does not make it true - simply my belief. It is based on my experience in my late teens and early 20's when "casual" was of far more interest than meaningful.... If you are in fact looking for just more active social life and more active if casual sexual life there is no point in looking down on the "players" - that is what they also want and the reason they act as they do. It is the most effective method for casual relationships and casual sexual intimacy. Trying to be a "nice guy" and wanting the same result as the "fake people" does not really work. They design their social interactions with that intent. I do not think it is even by design necessarily - it is just a result of practice and routine that has proven effective to them.

    It certainly can be done by design with minimal practice and minor acting skills - but it has little to do with "being yourself" and everything to do (when being truly effective) with being what your potential casual acquaintance might want you to be. With a small amount of practice you learn to read small clues and with the understanding that even when truly skilled you will be shot down 5 times out of 6 so going in with the intent to try on 10 people and going person to person in the bar (and looking like the player) you will be successful more weekends than not. When you do it often enough you will in fact run into people that you decide are worth some real attention and seeing if you can get to know them on a more real level.

    The unfortunate truth is (in my opinion) that being yourself is crap advice for a large percentage of guys... the fact is if being yourself was effective then you would not be having this issue or this discussion ..... It is far more politically correct to say just be yourself and it will all happen - and iI do believe that a relationship can happen for anybody by just being themselves eventually - but if after 5 or 6 years of trying to be yourself you are unsatisfied with the tangible results you need to either resolve yourself that being yourself is not going to result in the same number of casual experiences as others you know have or make a conscious effort to act differently and accept the results that yields even if you know it is disingenuous... Since that is at least 50% of the population , I would not (did not) have moral qualms about it - so long as you are not promising a relationship all else is fair in the bar game.....
  9. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    I used to be exactly the same as you. For me it wasn't the fact that I couldn't see the ques it was I couldn't believe they were for me, open youself up to it. Being fake or a player is not what you want to be doing. The method I gave you is purely nature based nlp, its not changing who you are its just a different way of putting yourself across to that person. It all takes time and practice. Your young go out and have fun with it. Distance yourself from the feelings surrounding Rejection and just enjoy yourself.
  10. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i agree with nyj to an extent... i think that in all relationships you have to kind of put on a bit of a front/pretense at first for several reasons:
    1. most people are really nervous/shy when they meet someone new, putting up a bit of a front makes it easier to "break the ice"
    2. when you are first meeting someone, you really don't want to be telling them all your problems or disagreeing with everything they want to/suggest to do... as time goes on, you can hint/outright tell them that you don't like certain things, but whats wrong with just enjoying each other's company at first?
    3. if you aren't looking for something "long term" then really if you don't put up a pretense, then you are setting yourself up to be hurt in the long haul because people won't be able to tell when you are serious/not serious.

    i am a big proponent of honesty, just that i know from experience, if you want to just have fun... honesty doesn't have much to do with it, at least not in the beginning...