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  1. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Its really hard for me to talk about this but I have been thinking about this for a long time, since I join SF I wanted to talk about this but never did coz I thought its silly and makes no sense but as I am writing this, I realize I have to let it out not only because its been on my mind for too long, guess I just think its more important on how I feel now than how I look. I am always jealous of other people's mother. I mean, I always wonder why can't my mama be like anyone else? Why must she be so mean? I can't forget the way she used to hit and punish me harshly for little mistakes and often call me an idiot, that I should drop out of school and work as janitor coz I got no brains and wasting their money anyway.

    Yea..I know I am much more difficult to raise compared to big bro because I was born abnormal and have difficulties learning things and has this tendency to hallucinate (which I still do) as well as my inability to sit still due to my hyperactivity disorder (which is diagnosed only two years ago). I can't rid off the memories of how she used to clutch my mouth with one hand and slap it with the other, how she shuv the carpet to my face or hit me with the pail. All that for my 'misbehavior' according to her. Those days, there isn't one week I never get punished physically and verbally by her. She will search my schoolbag and find reasons to punish me e.g. I didn't do my work, I didn't pass up my work even if it is untidy.

    Sometime she do this at midnight and force me to wake up and clear the mess after punishing me. I remember crying myself to sleep for so many nights and wondering if mama will come up and tell me I did something wrong again. Even when I got beaten up in school, all the says is 'It must be your fault, so don't tell me about it'. Yet she sometimes tell me that she love me, but then could any fool believe that? She knew I was an abnormal child, she even send me to a psychiatrist when I was 8 but then she stop sending me after some time and I don't know why. But then, she is aware my problem is far from over but I guess she wouldn't care long as I did something wrong its ok for her to punish me in any way she want to, that what she thinks at least.

    Long ago, when mum bought me and bro a cake each, mum ask bro if she can take a bite of his and he said no because it is his. Mum didn't ask me but I ask mum if she want to eat mine, she says I am a good boy. Well, I was 5 years old then. Hell started two or three years later when she start treating me like shit. She told me before; I belong to her, everything of me. Even every drip of blood and cells comes from her and so I have no right to be angry with her, that I should just let her do what she wants to me coz I have no right to feel bad about someone who brought me into life. My dad is pretty much the same, maybe even worst.

    A few months back, I was thinking about my mama in comparison to other people mothers and it hurts so much. I broke down and cry in a shop and I feel so embarassed then, because as I was thinking about that, a child runs to her mum and her mum kiss her on the cheek before carrying her in her arms. I can't fight the feeling that moment, coz I crave so much to be like the child I am seeing, so..I walk out of the store immediately. Mama never once genuinely tells me she loves me nor hug me. Other than buying me candies occasionally, I don't know what else should I like about her as I think about it.

    These days, I am often reminded of how happy it is for people who love their mama and being loved by her. I hate mother's day because I hate seeing her. She ruined my life because she has no genuine love for me. Being a guy, I guess I have this yearning to feel loved especially by a mother. She stops hitting me in 2000. But that didn’t change a thing coz she did the same to little bro which means she never repented. When I confront her about the things she done in the past, she refuses to face it and I say I am ungrateful. I have to threaten her that I will move out of the house and never see them again even if I have to beg in the streets, now she and dad keep quiet and so I keep a distant from them.

    I hardly speak ten words to them a day and I don’t care how they are feeling. I can’t face the fact I have to have a mama like her for the rest of my life. Each time I see a mother holding their children or showing her affection to them, I get jealous, boiled with anger and at the same time miserable because I wasn’t the child she loves. I won’t forgive her for what she did, even if she says she is sorry, there is no way she can turn back time and change all the things she have done to me. Even if I die someday, I am not sure if I can forgive my folks for what they did to me. They make it seem like nothing was wrong that we are always a happy family. My mum’s birthday coming up and I won’t be home that day. I don’t know, but I guess I just hate my mother though I wish can I love her but it’s impossible.

    I used to wonder why I love the song ‘A Song for Mama’. I thought I never love my mama. Well, I finally realize it’s because I crave so deeply for a mother who truly loves me. Yeah, pathetic I know. I am crying as I write this, and though I try holding it back, I know it won’t change a thing. Even if I live, I can’t erase the scars of my past that will haunt me for as long as I am able to fight this pain. Even more pathetically, I fantasize a lot about having a new mama, someone whose love for me is indeed the greatest of all……..
     
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    expressive_child,I'm really so sorry to hear how your Mum has treated you all these year's I really feel for you:sad.I know exactly what it feel's like I grew up the same but with my father's mental and Physical abuse and I constantly looked at toher people's dads wishing I had someone like them.

    I know how much it hurt's even til this day and I'm 32 I still don't have no real communication with my father even though I live in the same house.He was alway's an alcaholic and impossible to get along with,I know how you feel and I'm so sorry.:sad:
     
  3. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    I am sorry about how your dad is treating you. What about yor mum, is your mum good to you..? Ever thought of staying elsewhere..? I am planning to move out as soon as I can but of course I am saving up for that. I don't mind living in a crappy apartment as long as my folks are not around me!
     
  4. ace

    ace Well-Known Member


    Thank's for understanding I know what it's like,My mum's alway's been good to me yeah I hope to move out when I have a good chance.
     
  5. moneymoneymoney

    moneymoneymoney New Member

    its ok dude plenty of people are in kinda the same boat !

    i never knew my real father ! i had a step dad from age 9 ! mum had 3 children with him to ! and from 7 - 15 i was oblivious as to what hes really like !

    we were all at my uncles wedding ! it was a real ncie day ! real posh and every one got hammerd was great ! when all was done i went home and to bed not really knowing much so slauterd lol ! but i woke up to wholes in the hotel room and as i look outside my grandads car was smashed to high hevens ! when i ask about it i get the truth and the real truth ! that my step dad was an alcy ! i was so bumed ! and then i started finding out all kinds of stories ! abut him flying off the handles ! i never see how it works because ive never really had an addiction ! then summer 05 he flips again but bigger ! was only me and him in the house and he had been drinking, and got a phone call from mum and she had had enough ! and wanted him out ! so him not being best pleased started smashing the place up ! tv every were fridge microwave helll the kitch was a mess ! he even got in my face ! and from that day on i was mortified ! the one male role model from my life had turned out like this ! it was a shambles !

    but then after he had left and started a new life he got slightly back on the strait and narrow, but if he ever took my little brothers and sister out ied make sure i went along to make sure things went ok ! and the day i didnt, he decides to head butt a life guard ! and try run away from the police with 3 children ! the police found my little sister on her own and held her at the police station, and my little brothers at my dads place with him ! he was asleep, they hadnt got changed from wimming yet ! and the house was cold with no electricity or central heating !

    at this point you can imagin im going mad !! and swore ied kill him ! but never got the chance ! he dissapeard for a few months and by the time he was back i had forgotten some ! but now i make sure he has no say in if and when he sees them and he rarely does !

    overall my so called dad is a sad excuse for a man ! and not one i look up to !

    moral of all this is you are your own person ! and you can do what you want be what you want when ever you wana ! so just take all that thats happend in the past in your stride ! rise above ! and be the success you on this earth to be ! and show your family that they should not have been how they were !

    i have faith buddie ! hold in there and life will get better !

    even know as i write this i feel like crying ! but when i tell you it will get better, i also tell myself the same thing ! so theres no need to be down and try pick ourself up ! and cary on the the great lives were all destin to LIVE !!!


    Keep up the fight dude !!


    LAN Xxx
     
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about what your mother put you through. Your a strong person though, to go through all that, it takes strength and courage and you have shown that.

    I used to feel the same way about my father but not anymore. It doesn't matter now.

    Anyways keep going and all the best.
     
  7. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Hey

    I feel so sad knowing the kind of person your so-called dad is. And its just despicable what he did to you and your family. If my dad is like that, I think I dump him and never see him ever again. Well my dad, though never really committed a crime or have really go against the law, I still don't respect him for his irresponsible attitude too. I guess we all here have a lot in common, our parents I guess. He does not deserve to even be called a man, and so he is far from qualified to be a daddy!

    Only when I distant myself from my folks, I started to realize I can be someone I love too, only thing is it will take a long time now since they have brought me hell all these years. So I feel like I am just at 'the beginning of a new beginning'. I feel like by avoiding them and all that, I am feeling better, like part of my hell is detached from me and now its time for me to battle against my own depression and till I get to move out of the house, I won't be able to completely rid off the thoughts of how pathetic my folks is.

    You know, its a shame for parents to treat their children like this. I strongly believe parental love is supposed to be a love that surpasses many things and yet some just don't have any love! The sad thing is, almost nothing can take the place of parental love. Well, thank you very much for your encouragement. I am glad we are all here to share our experiences about our folks. I wish you the best in fighting through the hard times pal! I guess we need to live for the fight coz its all that we got!

    Best wishes to you friend!
     
  8. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    This morning. I was going to work as usual and nothing out of ordinary happens. But once again. the sight of a mother showing love to her children often triggers my emotions. I try not to think about it as I walk out the bus but I realize I am so weak. I keep thinkng about mama and what a mama should be. Its pretty annoying though to talk about this, why mum? You could have done it any other way! You could've love me! You could've save me from what I am today you know that! And all you care about is you you you and you!

    Sometimes I wonder if I still care if you die or anything because nothing can change the fact you have ruined my life and you don't feel sorry about it ha? You don't give a damn do you?! You think I don't know you told others that I am bad now and ignore you?! Yeah, so that people can feel sorry for you and think that I am just another typically ungrateful bastard?! I rather die that to spend my life with you forever! I don't deserve your love ha? Ok, so do you jerk! If you ever die someday I think I won't attend your goddamn funeral dammit!

    Well, don't blame me mum. You could have been a great mama but you're selfish! Because of you, I got to live life remembering that I never have motherly love and how I crave for a good mama who loves me but now its too late because you are such a jerk! Don't even think I will be home on your birthday coz I will spit on the cake and slam it right in front of you! Because of you I will always hate mothers day! And I will despise the date 30th July forever! Why?! Coz its your pathetic birthday dammit!

    Now its only 20 days to go and I get sick brother talking to me about buying you this and shit and when all you deserve is absolute shit! Screw you screw you screw you! AND MAY GOD CURSE YOU FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  9. petulant

    petulant Member

    Expressive child, Im sorry I couldnt even read your whole post because my issues are similar and I have a PTSD thing going. Ijust want you to know Im sorry for all the things that happened to you and I know you deserved better.

    Hugs


    Pet
     
  10. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Its ok Petulant, thanks for taking time to read it :hug:
     
  11. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    :hugs:
    One thing about people is we can choose most things, what we do, where we do it, even our fiends...but we cant choose our family. We only get one set of parents, one family, we cant change them, we are stuck with them. Our whole lives are affected by who brought us up. I heard somewhere the other day 'children are like clean slates, that parents have to write on, but if they wrong the wrong things, they cannot be erased and that child has to live with that on their slate for the rest of their life' I found it to be very true.

    Sorry I cant offer advice. I wish you could move out, but I know how things are to do that...
     
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