Its really hard for me to talk about this but I have been thinking about this for a long time, since I join SF I wanted to talk about this but never did coz I thought its silly and makes no sense but as I am writing this, I realize I have to let it out not only because its been on my mind for too long, guess I just think its more important on how I feel now than how I look. I am always jealous of other people's mother. I mean, I always wonder why can't my mama be like anyone else? Why must she be so mean? I can't forget the way she used to hit and punish me harshly for little mistakes and often call me an idiot, that I should drop out of school and work as janitor coz I got no brains and wasting their money anyway. Yea..I know I am much more difficult to raise compared to big bro because I was born abnormal and have difficulties learning things and has this tendency to hallucinate (which I still do) as well as my inability to sit still due to my hyperactivity disorder (which is diagnosed only two years ago). I can't rid off the memories of how she used to clutch my mouth with one hand and slap it with the other, how she shuv the carpet to my face or hit me with the pail. All that for my 'misbehavior' according to her. Those days, there isn't one week I never get punished physically and verbally by her. She will search my schoolbag and find reasons to punish me e.g. I didn't do my work, I didn't pass up my work even if it is untidy. Sometime she do this at midnight and force me to wake up and clear the mess after punishing me. I remember crying myself to sleep for so many nights and wondering if mama will come up and tell me I did something wrong again. Even when I got beaten up in school, all the says is 'It must be your fault, so don't tell me about it'. Yet she sometimes tell me that she love me, but then could any fool believe that? She knew I was an abnormal child, she even send me to a psychiatrist when I was 8 but then she stop sending me after some time and I don't know why. But then, she is aware my problem is far from over but I guess she wouldn't care long as I did something wrong its ok for her to punish me in any way she want to, that what she thinks at least. Long ago, when mum bought me and bro a cake each, mum ask bro if she can take a bite of his and he said no because it is his. Mum didn't ask me but I ask mum if she want to eat mine, she says I am a good boy. Well, I was 5 years old then. Hell started two or three years later when she start treating me like shit. She told me before; I belong to her, everything of me. Even every drip of blood and cells comes from her and so I have no right to be angry with her, that I should just let her do what she wants to me coz I have no right to feel bad about someone who brought me into life. My dad is pretty much the same, maybe even worst. A few months back, I was thinking about my mama in comparison to other people mothers and it hurts so much. I broke down and cry in a shop and I feel so embarassed then, because as I was thinking about that, a child runs to her mum and her mum kiss her on the cheek before carrying her in her arms. I can't fight the feeling that moment, coz I crave so much to be like the child I am seeing, so..I walk out of the store immediately. Mama never once genuinely tells me she loves me nor hug me. Other than buying me candies occasionally, I don't know what else should I like about her as I think about it. These days, I am often reminded of how happy it is for people who love their mama and being loved by her. I hate mother's day because I hate seeing her. She ruined my life because she has no genuine love for me. Being a guy, I guess I have this yearning to feel loved especially by a mother. She stops hitting me in 2000. But that didn’t change a thing coz she did the same to little bro which means she never repented. When I confront her about the things she done in the past, she refuses to face it and I say I am ungrateful. I have to threaten her that I will move out of the house and never see them again even if I have to beg in the streets, now she and dad keep quiet and so I keep a distant from them. I hardly speak ten words to them a day and I don’t care how they are feeling. I can’t face the fact I have to have a mama like her for the rest of my life. Each time I see a mother holding their children or showing her affection to them, I get jealous, boiled with anger and at the same time miserable because I wasn’t the child she loves. I won’t forgive her for what she did, even if she says she is sorry, there is no way she can turn back time and change all the things she have done to me. Even if I die someday, I am not sure if I can forgive my folks for what they did to me. They make it seem like nothing was wrong that we are always a happy family. My mum’s birthday coming up and I won’t be home that day. I don’t know, but I guess I just hate my mother though I wish can I love her but it’s impossible. I used to wonder why I love the song ‘A Song for Mama’. I thought I never love my mama. Well, I finally realize it’s because I crave so deeply for a mother who truly loves me. Yeah, pathetic I know. I am crying as I write this, and though I try holding it back, I know it won’t change a thing. Even if I live, I can’t erase the scars of my past that will haunt me for as long as I am able to fight this pain. Even more pathetically, I fantasize a lot about having a new mama, someone whose love for me is indeed the greatest of all……..