Man Apart

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Feb 26, 2010.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    There cant be a more lost human being than me. I always said that when you start contemplating the complexity of life on a daily basis your in trouble. Why am I here, whats the meaning of all of this, why do I always feel this way? I think part of the grand scheme of having a happy meaningful life is marginalizing its meaning. Living carefree. I want to live more than I want to die. The problem is that part of me wants to die because I cant live. I think my life has been an abject nightmare. I cant help but to feel like im a failed experiment in this world. Instead of embracing and loving life I look around and ask myself, what is this, where am I, and what is my purpose. I dont think there really is a purpose. Were here for a little while and we die. Some of us are born lucky. With seemingly all of the mental and physical tools to have a meaningful, successful life. But for many, it doesnt work out that way.

    I dont know who im writing to. Maybe myself. Maybe God. Im just writing utterly miserable crap on a suicide forum because im losing my will to live. Noone cares. I dont care either. I wish I could but I think people can die way before their heart stops beating. I think i died more than 9 times. I dont feel anything. Except the dark and coldness around me. Isnt that what death is? Isnt that what a dead body feels like? I hate myself. Everything about me. From my looks to my ethnicity, my mental conditions, my physical conditions, my body, everything. I am my own bitter enemy. I dont know whats wrong with me. Its too bad. I could have been a decent man. What do you say to a person who has nothing to live for. Who doesnt want to be here. Who doesnt want life. This life. I dont want to be this man. I want to kill this man more than anything ive ever wanted in life next to love. But i cant.

    It hurts. Waking up with this overwhelming feeling of dread. This is it. This is your life. I often wake up just looking into my hands. I am this insignifcant creature. Like an ant. Just a grain of salt in this universe. Will stop ranting for now. Will try to write more later...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes alot can relate to what you have said i being one of them. I hope by writing yur feeling out it help Keep writing venting so others can give support
    Everyone is special everyone gives something You are in a dark place right now but with help therapy meds life can get some light into it. glad you reached out for help
     
  3. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Do tears mean anything to God? Do I mean anything? I dont know if crying helps. Maybe it melts away some of the pain. Certainly not any of the guilt and stress. Ohh suicide. I find more pleasure out of death than life. I get tired of people patronizing me. Telling me to have hope and tighten my belt. Tired of all the bill collectors. Tired of looking at myself in the mirror. Tired of watching happy people make millions. Tired of beautiful people inlove. Tired of watching life pass me by. I know i have the off switch. But I dont have the courage to use it. Unless you push me a little further. Make me. Come on God. Break me. Im just an experiment. I lost everything already. As quick as you can snap your finger its all gone. I know im a pathetic human being. I could have been stronger. Could have fought harder. Yeah... guilt is like termites. It just eats at you. Can never forgive self. Cant forgive that man in the mirror. That man. Thats him thats the man that took it. Someone help, its him. There that man in the mirror who took everything from me. I want him dead. Not alive.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are in so much pain, but here you truly count and here we are to support you...please think about getting professional help...you may not have to feel this way...and you deserve so much better...big hug, J
     
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Noone cares.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2010
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