Man I feel like an idiot posting this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SomeGuy0, Jul 27, 2007.

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  1. SomeGuy0

    SomeGuy0 New Member

    WARNING: Really long post. Don't reply unless you read it all.

    I don't even know how to word this properly. Lets see, like quite a few people that come here, I was planning to kill myself. Unlike many who come here I am sure, I had this shit planned out LONG in advance (over 6 months), and considering this was going to be my 5th go, I wanted to make sure that it would work out this time and I would actually die. Well, there lies my problem, as my previous plan turned out would be two things which I told myself I wouldn't let happen, mainly A) It would be messy and B) Very very long and painful. If it was just #2 I wouldn't care, but then I found out that it might not even work and just put me in a damn coma.

    Now while I am not really reaching out (that would require that I actually want to live, which I just don't fucking care about anymore), I decided to give the whole "help" thing another shot. Here is a bit of background so you can understand where I am coming from:

    When I was 6, I tried to kill myself for the first time. No, I wasn't serious about it, but the thought was ingrained in my head from even at that age, which is why I mention it. When I was 11, my father commited suicide. Natually, while trying to cope with this (which since I was obviously old enough to understand exactly what happened was very, very hard to deal with) I was sent to see many, many shrinks who in turn diagnosed me with first ADHD (which I don't have), then ADD (which I might have but I doubt it), OCD (don't have it), clinical depression (possible but there is always a REALLY good reason why I feel the way I do), bipolar disorder (don't have it), and schizophrenia (don't have it). For some reason they thought I shouldn't be feeling anything overwhelming about my life, so I was put on an array of medications that was not tested for long term effects and many of which had EXTREMELY adverse effects on me. During this time, I tried to kill myself 3 times (partially due in large part to the medications I was on), and each time I ended up in a mental health clinic where I saw that the onny thing these people cared about was how long my parent's health insurance lasted, not about me at all. I'm sorry but I can't look back at one single thing that they ever did to help me, always citing my so called "mental disorders" as the cause instead of my repressed anger, confusion and grief about my father's death and other previous events in my life.

    My last suicide attempt was when I was 16, and mainly because I didn't have alot of resources I didn't know what the hell I was doing and overdosed on caffine pills. For all you suicidal teenagers out there, just to let you know the only thing that they will give you is a panic attack, and it ain't fun. Since my parents insurance wouldn't allow me to get any kind of mental treatment anymore, I was booted out the door and left to fend for myself. It was here that I finally made a good choice and dropped all my medications cold, as I am sure most people know about how those can actually cause teenagers to be MORE suicidal. I was one of the lab rats who made them figure that out.

    The thing is, I was off to a VERY bad start because of all this. I had failed many grades of high school and was pretty much screwed up in terms of motivation to do anything anymore. And the hopelessness never left. I had seen horrible things, been treated horribly by people both mentally and physically, and the thought always lingered "What the hell are you staying alive for?". Well, that was easy to answer back then. I still had faith in a few things, and I believed that there would be a time where life got better.

    I was wrong.

    Life got worse. After highschool (I got a GED when I was 17 because there was no way that I could make up the credits that I lost) I started college, only to find out that the profession that I had wanted to do since I was about 9 years old was absolutly boring and pointless in the modern world. So I changed my career path, which ultimatly left me dropping out of college because the professors for some reason felt the need to discourage thier students to do what they loved most. After this, I broke up with my girlfriend because I thought that she needed something that I couldn't give her, and also because I was getting too emotionally attached to her (I have problems with that, again for good reason) and she ended up with some guy that beat her and cheated on her constantly. I never really recovered from that, and have not even so much as talked intimatly with a girl for 5 years.

    My chosen career is very up and down, but my constant lack of motivation is the biggest hinderance. It's still the same old "What for?" crap I have had almost my entire life. I have lost very, very good opportunities because of this, which may have given my life a bit of balance. But I just don't see why anymore. I don't see why ANYONE wants to live, and haven't for quite a few years now. It just keeps getting worse. My work is very demanding, and my pay is barely anything, so everything that happens (and something always does) hits me really, really hard. There just isn't any way to find help for anything, and I have problem after problem constatly stacking up on me. On top of this, I haven't had a single good thing happen to me since I met my ex-girlfriend which ended up being a total nightmare (so around 6 years). Finally, with that little voice now screaming at me, I set up my plan, made the arrangements and took care of everything. I even went so far as to have all my stuff packed and put in a storage unit for easy transporting. I now have hardly any money left because of all this.

    So now you have the backstory. As I said before, the method turned out to be... less that ideal. So why am I posting here if I don't want help? Because I have no other choice and figured I would at least try to hold off until my mother dies so she doesn't have to face losing both her husband AND her son to suicide.

    I can't afford any other methods now (at least not any that fit my criteria of "proper"). This is the very, very funny thing; I can't kill myself now, and I can't get help for it either as far as I know. Everything costs something nowdays, and while I am sure there have been amazing advancements in medications and such over the past 8 years, I realise that the only people that can get help are the ones who can AFFORD it, which just puts me right back in the frame of mind that this world is so fucked I can't stand it. I am afraid to call a suicide hotline because they will probably tell me to go to a clinic that will either A) Not accept me for treatment because I have no medical insurance and no money or B) Will put me so deep in debt that as soon as I see that bill I'll be right back at the same place as I was before I went in. I will not ask for anyone in my family to help with this because I already faced the constant guilt trips from them about the clinics when I was a minor (and back then they where getting social security for me as well I found out later, which more than covered the deductables they where paying) and can't stand ever feeling like I owe people anything and feel guilty if I so much as even THINK that I am laying my burden on someone elses shoulders. And this is also why I can't go through with it, because if I end up in a coma (also having kidney, liver and heart problems which I found out is 100% with the way I was choosing to go) the bills will be so massive that they might as well just put a gun to my head instead.

    So I'm pretty screwed no matter what. I'm at the point where everything seems so meaningless that I can't stand it. So I'm stuck in this limbo of I can't die and I can't live. Either way I'm screwed and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't believe that the "treatment" would even work (for reasons already stated) but I figured I would try to give it another shot for the very, very small chance that I might be able to live a somewhat normal life for at least a few more years, but I can't even do that. Hell, even if I DO find a way to get treatment, I won't be able to work for the time being and as such may loose some of my very hard earned clients.

    Please, please don't reply to this thread saying shit like "Oh, it's not the answer" or "God can heal you" or anything like that because it's the same shit I have heard over and over and over and it never ONCE made me feel better (only worse).

    Anyone know of any way out of this?

    Also: Sorry this post is so messy but I am really, really angry and tired. Thanks for reading, and please don't feel like my life is in your hands, I'm just trying to get some feedback if anyone knows anything. It's ultimatly up to me to save myself, although with things the way they are that is a bit... hard.
  2. crisis4Life

    crisis4Life Member

    I will try not to, I myself also know how annoying and frustrating that can be.

    You shouldn't however feel like an idiot in posting what you have. I'm glad you found this place, and hopefully we can be of some help to you. I'm terribly sorry to hear about all the things you have been through... I'm sure there must be some places which can help you, and if you are unable to find them at the moment, we are here for you, and want to help.

    I hope it helps to know that we understand and want to help you.
    You can message me any time if you need to
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