Man... I haven't been here in a long time.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Steve-0, Jul 4, 2007.

  1. Steve-0

    Steve-0 New Member

    I'd like to say that this place really helped me out about a year ago.

    This site in combination with a wonderful supportive friend I met got me through it all.

    I finally gave up the idea that I can live life so recklessly. I used to think that I'd try to achieve my dreams in this world, and that if I failed, I would just kill myself. It was a crutch. I was always thinking that suicide was my backup plan. I used to deal with worrying about never living the life I want to live and being the person I want to be.

    I felt that I was trying as hard as I could, and that I had my goals in life, and that if I didn't succeed life would be over for me. So I kept suicide as an option I could reach to for any reason. If I didn't succeed, I could just die. If I didn't want to work so hard and worry so much about my personal success anymore, I could just die.

    I'm happy to say that I haven't felt suicidal in a year. Exactly a year.

    This friend I met, she helped me. She took me to the edge and told me "If you really want to die, then die. Today. Right now. But I want you to know that as long as you're alive, I'm here for you. I love you and I'm going to love you. You're my friend and you can trust me."

    And I did.

    We became best friends so quickly and it made me feel like if I didn't succeed at all of my personal goals in life, that I'd still have her and all of my other friends I've gained since then. I'd still have a purpose in life and people that need me as much as I need them.

    She's such a strange, tall, intelligent, gay little girl. So wise beyon her years. She has this attitude of "to each his own" and no matter how quirky people are she just accepts them.

    My self confidence has improved so much. I felt so comfortable being totally open and honest with her and I told her all of my little strange things and habits and secrets I thought I could never tell anybody.

    And she made me feel like I wasn't so strange after all. She made me feel like all the questions I'd always wanted to ask another human being, but thought I never could, could be answered.

    I've always feared that if I asked these questions to another person, that they'd judge me, either because I didn't know the seemingly obvious answer, or because it was just a strange question.

    But she made me feel like I could just say it, and she'd just tell me her thoughts on the subject, and at the end of the day she loved me just as much.

    Even little things. Just little details like that I could ask her, for example, how to take care of long hair, because I'm a long haired kinda guy and I never knew how to take care of it, and the only way to really find out was to ask a girl, haha. Who better to know than a long haired girl right? I certainly didn't have any long haired guy friends.

    We have the same strange taste in music, the same taste in girls, the same eccentricities.

    It sounds miniscule, but it's things like this that mean the difference between self-esteem and wondering if people are smirking at you behind your back.

    I no longer feel like suicide is my backup plan. My only plan is just to succeed. My personal goals, the things I want to achieve in life, they are not to live up to another persons expectations, just to live up to my own expectations of myself. I take them very seriously.

    I am very passionate about certain things and I want to take them as far as I can. This used to make me feel hopeless, but now I just live with the mindset that I will not fail, and my progress has improved so much.

    I feel confidant around friends now. I feel confidant around girls. I actually feel comfortable with my appearance. I feel comfortable being open. I am no longer repressed all the time. I don't look at everyone else and try to copy them to make sure I'm doing the "right" thing. I just live my own way and be confidant that whatever is wrong with my life or whatever is weird about me, my friends love me anyway.

    People actually call me up and invite me to things. I don't just have best friends, I am a best friend. I hang out with the coolest funnest people you could ever hope to meet. I was the shyest little dude, but that seems a distant memory now.

    It's all sappy and shitty I know. But there is someone out there that can understand you. There's someone out there you can trust. If you have some strange quirk and you think you're the only one, think again.

    Just give yourself time. Live one more year. I didn't have to wait long.

    God is faithful. I prayed and prayed for someone to just come along and help me to figure things out. God provides. I no longer live in doubt all the time.

    I no longer freak out in social situations. I just make friends and talk to people and flirt with chicks and have fun. I no longer live in fear of being a total failure in life. I no longer harbor guilt.

    Just give yourself a chance. Please. I was at my lowest low and ready to give up. I was ready to flip my own off switch, as it were.

    But here I am. A year to the day.

    That's all I have to say for tonight.

    Thanks everyone here who took the time a year ago when I needed you.

    Sorry this is so damn long and ranting.

    Also sorry if it's in the wrong section of the forum, haha. Feel free to move it if you're a mod.
  2. schlink12

    schlink12 New Member

    I hope you will feel better