Man These Times Are Hard.

[objectsinmirrors]

I am so deeply struggling right now. :help: Just moved out of a residential treatment center about 3.5 weeks ago (Residential is a place you live longer term for psychiatric illnesses but you are not in crisis) and am now living in a student housing building where no one knows i struggle. The PTSD and OCD have been off the charts. I have been having incredibly strong urges to take my own life, and have relapsed in self injury.

I have been in the Emergency Room twice in the past week because of my suicidal thoughts, but my therapist and psychiatrist are starting to feel like i'm just feeling too out of control to be living where i currently am. This terrifies me. I have been in psych hospitals 11 times in the last 3.5 years (not counting residential stays and ER visits). I worked so hard to get to be living where i currently am, and i dont want to back slide.

if i go inpatient (psych hospital where you stay for a shorr time while you are in crisis for stabilization) , I could be committed to a state hospital (where more abuse tends to occur and you have to stay there for months or years) which was seriously threatened to me when i was last in inpatient. also when i'm in inpatient i tend to do drastically worse because i am cut off from family and friends and things i love doing. i dont want to go back to residential either, because then i probably wont be ready to transition to college in the fall, and that would break my heart. At the same time, if i'm not in a higher level of care i might end up dead, so that is not good.

Right now i'm on a wait list for a day program, but the wait is 1 to 2 weeks, which i dont think i can wait that long. i will be talking to my therapist later today about all this. I feel so scared and trapped. I don't know what to do. my mom is freaking out because shes so scared i will die, and last night she called me "emotionally abusive" towards her because i was saying that i didn't know what she could do to help, but that i might end up dying and that i'd talk to my therapist about it. which of course is just adding to my self hatred and feeling like i am a monster.:paperbag:

I miss my friend who took her own life in February. I am upset that when i reached out for help online to friends from my residential i was told i should go to my therapist, not them. I havent been sleeping well. I kind of just want to OD and go to sleep right now. Would be easiest.

As one of my favorite songs of the moment goes
"Trying to make it work, but man these times are hard"
"For The First Time" by The Script

Feedback, hugs, and validation are very very greatly appreciated.

:badday: Megan

 

[poisonedresistance]

Hey there, it all sounds like theres so much surrounding you at the moment. I hope you make the right decision for you.
you mention your friend and i listened to the songs you posted,,,,,, im worried you might be feeling guilty about her death... do you?
feel free to pm me anytime xx Amy

 

[robin66]

Hi Megan, I just wanted to say Hi and say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I am having a horrible time too. I don't know how much longer I can last. But, just know I'm thinking of you and wish I could help. Robin

 

[bipolarjoe]

Megan,

I wish I had an answer for you. You seem like you are dealing with alot at a very young age. My reading of your post moved me. I want to let you know you are in my thoughts. I wish you the best. Don't forget to rely on your inner strength. As mental health consumers we have that. Try to surround youself with supportive people.
Joe

 

[hatemylife]

Thanks for sharing with us, your situation moved me. I don't even think I could handle trying to live day by day, on your own, in a housing like you are. Good job! Remember there's people who are in worse depressive manias than you.

 

[objectsinmirrors]

Hi Abjure/Amy - You are right. I feel incredibly guilty for my friend's death although I wasn't extremely close to her. I just have these irrational beliefs that if I had died first, she wouldn't have had to die. That somehow my death would have saved her. I still have that thought now, that if i die now, maybe one of my friends who is suicidal will for some reason want to live more.

robin66/Robin- Thank you so much for thinking of me. I will be thinking of you too. Please pm me if you want to chat, ok? maybe we can help each other out.

bipolarjoe/Joe- i deeply appreciate you keeping my in your thoughts. You are right, pulling from my inner strength will be essential during this difficult time.

hatemylife- Thanks to you too! It means so much that you took the time to comment <3

UPDATE: I once again am having incredibly incredibly strong thoughts about killing myself. Sometimes the thoughts are ego syntonic, they seem to be in line with my emotions and my interactions. Right now the urges are ego dystonic though- seemingly out of the blue, like someone else has flipped a switch or put them in my head. it makes no sense to kill myself right now. I had a nice group therapy session, took a walk with one of my friends from group, talked for a few minutes with a friend from my housing building and made plans to go out with her tomorrow. i'm happy. i'm a tad anxious. but i want to swallow a handful of medication and never wake up. My brain is trying to kill me. :blub:

 

[Viro]

Your mother is very scared. If you're fairly close, a heart-to-heart may help clear some things up with her.

I'm very sorry to hear you're feeling down.