I am so deeply struggling right now. :help: Just moved out of a residential treatment center about 3.5 weeks ago (Residential is a place you live longer term for psychiatric illnesses but you are not in crisis) and am now living in a student housing building where no one knows i struggle. The PTSD and OCD have been off the charts. I have been having incredibly strong urges to take my own life, and have relapsed in self injury.
I have been in the Emergency Room twice in the past week because of my suicidal thoughts, but my therapist and psychiatrist are starting to feel like i'm just feeling too out of control to be living where i currently am. This terrifies me. I have been in psych hospitals 11 times in the last 3.5 years (not counting residential stays and ER visits). I worked so hard to get to be living where i currently am, and i dont want to back slide.
if i go inpatient (psych hospital where you stay for a shorr time while you are in crisis for stabilization) , I could be committed to a state hospital (where more abuse tends to occur and you have to stay there for months or years) which was seriously threatened to me when i was last in inpatient. also when i'm in inpatient i tend to do drastically worse because i am cut off from family and friends and things i love doing. i dont want to go back to residential either, because then i probably wont be ready to transition to college in the fall, and that would break my heart. At the same time, if i'm not in a higher level of care i might end up dead, so that is not good.
Right now i'm on a wait list for a day program, but the wait is 1 to 2 weeks, which i dont think i can wait that long. i will be talking to my therapist later today about all this. I feel so scared and trapped. I don't know what to do. my mom is freaking out because shes so scared i will die, and last night she called me "emotionally abusive" towards her because i was saying that i didn't know what she could do to help, but that i might end up dying and that i'd talk to my therapist about it. which of course is just adding to my self hatred and feeling like i am a monster.:paperbag:
I miss my friend who took her own life in February. I am upset that when i reached out for help online to friends from my residential i was told i should go to my therapist, not them. I havent been sleeping well. I kind of just want to OD and go to sleep right now. Would be easiest.
As one of my favorite songs of the moment goes
"Trying to make it work, but man these times are hard"
"For The First Time" by The Script
Feedback, hugs, and validation are very very greatly appreciated.
:badday: Megan
I have been in the Emergency Room twice in the past week because of my suicidal thoughts, but my therapist and psychiatrist are starting to feel like i'm just feeling too out of control to be living where i currently am. This terrifies me. I have been in psych hospitals 11 times in the last 3.5 years (not counting residential stays and ER visits). I worked so hard to get to be living where i currently am, and i dont want to back slide.
if i go inpatient (psych hospital where you stay for a shorr time while you are in crisis for stabilization) , I could be committed to a state hospital (where more abuse tends to occur and you have to stay there for months or years) which was seriously threatened to me when i was last in inpatient. also when i'm in inpatient i tend to do drastically worse because i am cut off from family and friends and things i love doing. i dont want to go back to residential either, because then i probably wont be ready to transition to college in the fall, and that would break my heart. At the same time, if i'm not in a higher level of care i might end up dead, so that is not good.
Right now i'm on a wait list for a day program, but the wait is 1 to 2 weeks, which i dont think i can wait that long. i will be talking to my therapist later today about all this. I feel so scared and trapped. I don't know what to do. my mom is freaking out because shes so scared i will die, and last night she called me "emotionally abusive" towards her because i was saying that i didn't know what she could do to help, but that i might end up dying and that i'd talk to my therapist about it. which of course is just adding to my self hatred and feeling like i am a monster.:paperbag:
I miss my friend who took her own life in February. I am upset that when i reached out for help online to friends from my residential i was told i should go to my therapist, not them. I havent been sleeping well. I kind of just want to OD and go to sleep right now. Would be easiest.
As one of my favorite songs of the moment goes
"Trying to make it work, but man these times are hard"
"For The First Time" by The Script
Feedback, hugs, and validation are very very greatly appreciated.
:badday: Megan