man without talents

I am a man with nothing and I only have myself to blame. I always want the easy fix while I know that it's not going to happen.

I want perfect teeth, but I should have just taken braces when I was in puberty.
I want a perfect body but I should have just continued doing sports.
I want a great social life but I stay inside.

I used to convince myself my life meant something but now I can't even do that anymore, I am just a lonley, sad, hypocritical, ugly loser. I am bathing in self-pity and I despise myself for it. If only I could just walk away from myself.

Even now while typing this I feel like such a naive loser, I know this is going to resolve nothing. I have already visited a psychiatrist and taking mediciation, which put me on top of the world for a couple of months but I gradually made the trip down again. I feel that I have already done everything in my power and whatever comes next, that I will inevitably end up utterly unhappy. I wish I had the balls to commit suicide like other men, but I just don't have it in me. I am completely stuck, infected with life. I just want to curl up in a corner, fall asleep and never wake up. But that also will never happen. I'm watching myself waste my life a minute at a time, and loathing myself the whole way.

My life status is completely my own fault. I don't have the balls to just put myself out there. I am a coward at heart. I had opportunities but wasted them all. Now I don't enjoy nothing anymore <Mod Edit, WildCherry>. I am 20 years old God damn it! A sad, self loathing waste of space that desperatly hopes for a quick fix that will make him happy, but knows it's not going to happen.

It's so painful to face up to the truth. If you listened to this, thank you, because it's not within my power to tell it to anyone else.

 

Hi you you are none of things you have said hun. You have an illness okay one that prevents you from putting yourself out there. Dam depression it alters your thoughts your behaviors you willingness to try. I know you say you are on meds but dam it the meds are not working then time for new ones or add on to the ones you are taking Depression so hard to treat but when treated properly you can have that life hun you want. You are only 20 now is the time to make those changes meds and therapy together okay get help now so you can get out of that hole your in hugs

 

Welcome, Stef. I'm listening.

 

You seem to set pretty high standards for yourself and feel really really bad when you fall short of them. you seem like a smart person and you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure; Maybe you could try some therapy to re-structure your expectations and goals. There's a lot of pain in your words, and I'm sorry for your sadness.