So I've recovered for the most part. I just learned that getting really drunk makes me hear voices, it must interfere with the medication or something. So that means I need to stop going to bars to hang out, even though I can walk to them from my house. It's weird, I was feeling pretty good for awhile, then I read my memoir and it was like an avalanch of hopelessness overcame me. I retired the book because it was just too much to bear. When I'm manic I don't intentionally try to be callous or non-empathetic. It may partly be the medication/antipsychotic that makes me over-rationalize things. Like right now i am hearing an echo, a voice that is finishing my sentences for me or trying to. Then I hear snippets of outside personalities. I feel like this is trauma induced. 'm sure some people feel sorry for me, but I start hearing it and it doesn't stop. The other day I was at the DMV and left crying because it started up randomly. I felt like I could hear every thought, every idea, everything all at once. I couldn't seem to tune it out, I looked around frantically, clenching my fists hoping no one noticed how off I felt. And then I just burst out crying because it was sooo much confusing noise. I'm now diagnosed with Bipolar, the manic kind where if you're manic it can cause psychosis. It was schizophrenia, but they changed it to Bipolar or are in the process of it. That part doesn't matter much to anyone. I can't drink now I've realized. I smoke cigarettes too much. Can't smoke pot either...I mean sometimes I was able to and it was actually relaxing and helpful...not sure about helping with delusions, it may have though because I release a lot of pent of feelings and thoughts and anxiety. But I've had bad trips from a few hits on occasion. I mean serious problems, like the symptoms of fatigue and overstimulation return. I am not having paranoid delusions right now, and it seems to have been stable since I take the meds. I'm worried it will get worse. I don't want to live like this anymore. Always afraid of going too far and slipping off the edge. It keeps happening before bed too, I get super depressed. And my dreams are so good I feel upset when I wake up. Does anyone know of a better medication than Abilify for Bipolar? I'm on 30 mgs, and it's making me feel a bit odd and anxious too. Also, I'm worried that all these years it was Abilify causing the suicidal feelings...because it makes me feel different. I don't know, like if I don't take it I can cry when I want to, my appetite returns, etc then i get freaked out and worry I'll go mad again. I'm always plotting to get off Abilify, it's like a subconscious thing. There must be a reason why. I mean it seems to help...like it elevates my clarity....but in turn I also feel numb and unmotivated... And I always have to take them with me where i go. There is no escaping. When I took Strattera I began to be more social...and that's right when I started meeting more people. Then I became manic on 60 mgs. Manic basically means to them, I questioned my label too much and told them I wasn't going to come back. Then of course, I get anxiety and dissaciation type symptoms aka hearing random voices from vents and stuff. I feel like everyone has this base line of normal that I can't adapt to. I do worry a lot...my faith in God has also suffered.