Many scars *triggering*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ashinchains, Oct 20, 2011.

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  1. ashinchains

    ashinchains New Member

    I've been in group homes, foster care, juvinal detention all my life it seems like. I'm a 25 year old young woman and i'm currently pursuing a degree in a psychological field. I've worked hard all of my life to pull the pieces of my life back togther after coming from a broken/abusive/drug/controling/neglecting/ignoring home. I had eating disorders. I self-multilated. I had depression. I got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder/explosive agression when I was 15. I had a nurse tell me they have never restrained someone while LEAVING a placment to go home. I never wanted to go back. I hated my life there. I had no support. I came to terms with everything for awhile. It seems like it is all hitting me again. My step father insinuated that he wanted to masturbate in front of me when I was 13. I told my social worker and my mother and no one believed me. It progressed into porn watching (when i would walk in.. **ONLY AFTER** I would walk in), increasing forwardness. My mother would accuse me of doing things. I would go to her and tell her. Nobody ever helped me. I had to take a gun to school in order to get the attention to get me FROM the home. I was eventually molseted.

    After all of that I pulled myself together. I am now in a NEW crisis. I got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis not long ago after getting an HPV vaccination. I did have a genetic predisposition for it (becausd my aunt has it not because I've had genetic testing done). But lately I have electric shocks all over my body... I have pain.. My girlfriend doesnt understand and I feel like she thinks i'm making it up because I read about the disease almost ever day. I just want to know everything. I read about symptoms when I get them. I just want to be aware. I feel like I have fire ants eating my skin. :( I am getting emotional. I feel like I dont know if I wake up tomorrow that I'm going to be able to walk, if I'm gong to hurt all day, If somethign new is going to happen. If i'm going to go crazy and not be able to get my degree in psychology like I had intended. I'm almost finished with my bacholers degree. I contemplate about the future and wonder if I'm even going to have time to help anyone. I use to try to kill myself when I was younger. I've been hospitalized many times. Once had stitches and once was in intensive care for a week becaue of it.

    I don't know how I can help myself anymore. I feel like I have nothing. especially hope. I dont have family that I can talk to about this.. idfk.
     
  2. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Does your doctor know about the electric shocks and the pain?

    Have you asked your girlfriend if she thinks you make it up?

    Take care, you can always send me a private message if you want.
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hiya Ash,

    Sorry to hear about your past and the diagnosis of MS. Have you spoke to a doctor about the pain and are you on any pain meds? A referral to a pain specialist may help. Aswell as offering meds and alternative therapies for the pain they usually have a pretty good psychology service to deal with the psychological effects of chronic pain. This may benefit you.

    If you need to talk my pm box is always open x
     
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