many words for simple problems

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by kon peki, Feb 26, 2018.

  1. kon peki

    kon peki New Member

    Hi, this is my first post here.
    I just felt like I needed to express my feelings and talk a little, I hope that this is the right place to do so. Up to this point all of the people I´ve talked to whenever I felt the need weren´t really of help and I feel like it would probably just make the relationships with the people that I could theoretically talk to right now more complicated. So I hope you don´t mind.. :)

    I´m a guy, turning 23 soon.
    I can recall first daydreaming about suicide when I was around 13 or 14, I´m not really sure there. It wasn´t actually for any reason, my life then was pretty okay I guess, I just happened to daydream about <mod edit - method>during class all the time. I have no idea where that came from, it never got beyond daydreaming anyway and after a while it just went away again. Mysterious.

    As life went on a bit there where of course ups and downs, but no signs of anything serious so far. That however was only until I had begun to work in my first job, which, as you´re maybe already guessing, wasn´t really the best choice I could have made. I worked in an industrial environment, 3 shifts, monotone tasks, a big big big amount of mental aswell as physical stress, which lead to chronic exhaustion in private, loss of almost all contact to friends, isolation and my first serious depression, which turned out to last longer than a year and a half.
    I can remember and write this without any of the strong emotions I felt back then coming up again, but at that time I lived in what I could only call some sort of hell, while witnessing that co-workers and many other people strangely didn´t seem to have any problems at all with a life like this.
    I got the overwhelming impression that my life has no meaning, makes no sense, is going nowhere, has no direction or purpose other than to work and earn tax money. I have since then spent years and so much energy on trying to figure out where I want to go with my life, what I could do that would give me some peace and satisfaction, but I wasn´t able to find anything.

    And I am not really a tough and strong fighter personality I guess, when things become difficult I quickly tend to give up on them (I have no innate drive to conquer the frontiers of life, inside of me I feel like this is pointless because I vaguely feel that deep within everyone, everything is already there in some way).
    Thus I gave up on my life. I wanted to leave and after a short period of evaluation I actually went out and tried to do so. Multiple times in the end, always stepping back at the last moment.
    At first I just wanted to <mod edit - method>, I got all the equipment I thought I would need, but I missed something and thus didn´t experience anything, so I quit that attempt aswell.
    This was probably the closest I have been to death so far because I had managed to make the mental step, and when I stopped the attempt, a wave of new joy and inspirition filled my body and mind for a short period of time. But it also means that when I feel depressed I now skip most of the inbetween and head directly to fantasizing about death..
    And as my day to day life stayed the same I quickly got back to feeling depressed and done with life.. :( (I know, at my age.., people could argue that I don´t even know life yet and probably would be right in many aspects even)
    This time I simply set out to <mod edit - method>

    Luckily I found the opportunity to quit my job, move somewhere else and start something new and exciting that way, which I gladly did :).
    It was related to yoga, something that I had begun to be interested in during the last months in my old job and that really helped me to get a new direction for life. In fact, I dug deep into it, becoming enthusiastic about stuff like enlightenment, different states of consciousness and funky, more esoteric yoga practices
    that have deffinitely helped me along personally.
    I also found new friends there, had fun, experienced new stuff and for about a year everything was pretty much fine again.
    But as time went on I grew frustrated with this new job and my practice aswell, my best friend had to leave and during winter, when the days are short where I live, I fell into that hole again. :( (This time, luckily, without making any attempts, simply because I was unsure of how to do it)

    So I changed my life again, lifting me out of there temporarily atleast. Now I´m re-attending school to receive a degree that will allow me to go to university when I´m done in roughly a year and a quarter.
    In this environment I can´t really complain about having no social contacts, I have a bunch of nice friends (and typically get along well with most people anyway), but still I end up often feeling very lonely. :(
    I have found that what I need with regards to relationships to other people is not quantity, but depth, I crave for true connection, but to be honest, I´m yet to experience this so far.
    I fall in love often and quickly, and when I do, it is always as deep as the ocean, leaving me yearning for the soul of the other and devastated when it doesn´t turn out well. Yet I notoriously develop crushes on those with whom a relationship is impossible for various reasons. It is becoming increasingly more painful for me because, to be really honest, I haven´t had a single real relationship in my entire life (which is kind of funny because those girls always tell me how attractive, intellligent and nice to be around I am).
    I´m feeling a little immature at this point, because I know that there´s plenty of people with problems that are so much more serious than my problems with finding love.., sorry :(
    It´s just that I know that I have so much of it, yet I sometimes feel like the only person in the universe...
    This combines with my felt lack of purpose and meaning and has lately formed a void inside my sense of self that I am experiencing for the first time now in this paralizing way. Motivation for most things is gone.
    I can stare outside my window and feel nothing but the silence. It wants to be filled with everything I desire but I have eventually resignated as it seems.

    So, summed up my problems are that I have noone to connect with and nothing to do that gives my life meaning. I´m tempted to think that those things depend solely on a luck that I never seem to have.
    Any other person would probably just take it into their hands and find everything she or he seeks after not to long. But I have no idea how to and right now would rather just <mod edit - method>

    Again, I´m sorry because there are people with so much serious problems... they must be a thousand times as strong as I am to be still around and hoping for life to change for the better :(

    Thanks for reading, just needed to get stuff out as I said.:eek::(
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2018
  2. Paisley

    Paisley a pattern made of minty teardrops

    It sounds to me that you feel lonely because you don't know exactly know yourself that well? I may be wrong. But if I'm right, then setting goals for yourself could be something that would help you feel more confident in yourself, and then also more confident in being honest with others. If you feel up to it, you could try talking to some of these people you mentioned about how you really feel. Their reaction might surprise you.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It's ok, it's what SF is for :)
    Please don't worry. If posting here helps, it's ok to post

    Some treatment methods, and then finding a close personal connection might help you feel a lot better.

    I could suggest some treatment methods if you would like, but mostly I'd like to try to offer whatever kind of support would help most.
  4. walkerbait95

    walkerbait95 SF Social Media Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi to you. Welcome to the forum. Are you still hanging around here? We're glad you made it. Come back and post again soon, say hi and check in with us.
  5. Here2Listen

    Here2Listen Member

    Hello Kon Peki,
    I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. You are so young and you have so much potential for a wonderful future. There are two things I see here that in my humble opinion you might be able to address on the short term. The others (like love life and relationship) might follow later. Have you ever thought that as you think about ending your life the more it pulls you down? Consider replacing these thoughts with more positive ones such as being successful in something you like doing. Then work on it a little at a time. I don’t know if you have been to a therapist or counselor but if not, consider going to one. The other one is when you mentioned about meaning, direction or purpose. I don’t know your background but a strong faith has helped a lot of people I know. I am not talking about the old style blind faith but a reasonable faith. It might work on you. If you want to try it, look for a pastor who can tell you about it. You have nothing to lose. I hope this helps.