Marijuana Addict

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by stryker777, Mar 30, 2016.

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  1. stryker777

    stryker777 New Member

    I'm a recovering alcoholic, I haven't drank in 3 years. But I have a much harder time kicking marijuana. I just got sober again and I'm gonna stay sober for a while.

    I have a decent job making $15 an hour but I have no idea how to raise my income. I loathe colleges so don't even go there.

    I'm almost 30 and live with my mom which is frowned upon but honestly barely bothers me. I have no future. Recently I lost all interest in women which is a liberating feeling as pursuing girls causes so much undue stress!

    So my long term plan is definitely suicide. I don't plan on living past 50.
    I still think there's a few things to live for: watch some sports, see if Donald Trump gets elected... and before I <mod edit - methods> I would get a vaporizer and pounds of marijuana and commit myself to videogames. I also like to play guitar and lift weights.

    I'll always be a loner but I love it! When all is said and done, suicide seems like the natural end for a person like me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2016
  2. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    It doesn't read like you're coming from a place of suffering, I don't know what to tell you other than to suggest giving life a chance. Apply yourself - for no other reason than for the sake of seeing how far you can get. You will surprise yourself.
  3. stryker777

    stryker777 New Member

    Thanks for your repsonse. You make a good point and that's the action-oriented mindset I need to take going forward -- with simple goals such as learning a new song or guitar or gradually strengthening my muscles. Because I really don't know what else do with myself that is productive.

    Yes, I am not exactly coming from a place of anguish but you need to realize that I've been self-medicating for the past 7 months. I am really out of touch with feelings. Rather than deal with any of it or try to make friends or start "dating" I am much more likely to go get high again. If that were to pass it would actually be the #1 thing endangering my future but I would be feeling so good that it doesn't seem to matter. Instant gratification in exchange for overall doom. Such is the malaise of the drug addict.

    I wonder if there is a breaking point where I simply can't handle the low self-esteem, being burned out, living a repetitive life, etc. that I would inevitably self-medicate rather than face a latent depression. But while I'm sober I have no choice but to "Apply yourself - for no other reason than for the sake of seeing how far you can get."

    This is the endless self-perpetuating cycle that leads me to believe I should just kill myself.

    Thanks for listening. I needed to get this out.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi @stryker777 and welcome to the forum.

    I truly think you should give life a chance, you might be surprised one day.
    Have you considered getting some help to get off the marijuana? It sounds like you do want to kick it... you did a fine job of kicking the alcohol and well done for that! Perhaps getting clean could help you see things in another light and maybe find pleasure in other things? One day you might find a really nice girl or you might find an amazing dream you can pursue. Don't give up so easily!
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, just out of curiosity why do you not have the desire to start a relationship? You sound like you know what you want and you know whats there to live for, if I were you i'd seek therapy asap, they'll be able to dig deeper into your heart and mind. Maybe helping others will help you? I am sorry you are going through this. *hugs*
  6. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    Hi Striker.

    We are extremely similar individuals. I was at a very similar place at 30 years old (6 years ago). Around that time I realized something that really helped me professionally: Almost everyone is bad at their job when they begin. Competences are NOT natural or developed at school. I gave me a lot of confidence and help me get a much better job.

    Cannot help much with the rest it's struggles I still work on too.
  7. stryker777

    stryker777 New Member

    Well I've deliberately restricted my access to weed. There were some leaves lying around left that still got me high through the last 2 weeks. Even as I take concrete actions to stop. My addictive behavior is ridiculously compulsive. Its like two forces working against one another.

    Today I am indulging in an overabundance of cold-brewed coffee. But I also went to an AA meeting and said the prayer "protect from temptation and deliver us from evil" or something to that effect. It helped recalibrate my mind. But then I got home and spun out of control again jacking up the caffeine levels.

    Actually there is a very nice girl at work who is flirting with me relentlessly. The problem is, I have no idea how to respond and I am really broken/flawed/compromised/rotten inside. I don't despair over it. Instead I just spin around in a daily cycle of lonesome elation and burnout.
    I'm actually doing her a favor by resisting her advances.
    If I'm able to last a year or so CONSISTENTLY exercising, playing music, living productively maybe THEN I'd consider a relationship.
    But there are too many distractions. What will take to develop a more consistent lifestyle? I have it so good in life, if you really look at it. But I'm on the verge of just getting weed any time and randomly flying into erratic behavior, until I have bursts of depression driving home from a grueling day at work, and I scan the area for the highest rooftop from which I can jump.

    I'll admit I'm being stupidly melodramatic. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between serious suicidal urges, and theatrical ones. My only "girlfriend" from my past who was the "high school sweetheart" said she could never take me seriously for this reason.
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