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Marriage/relationship issues

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by nothinman81, Nov 8, 2015.

  1. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I'm not sure home to title this. But I'll put "pen to paper", and see if that leads me anywhere.

    *Long Read*

    Obviously, I deal with depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts. It's why I keep coming back here. Trying to make some sense of it all.

    I think I've touched on the fact that my wife and I seem to be living more and more separate lives. I'm sure my issues don't help. But I also think she has her role to play as well. I don't hate my wife. She's done nothing wrong. But in our time at counseling, I often feel my wife just doesn't "get" me. And that's left a gap that has grown in our relationship.

    I'm pretty sure I've also mentioned that I suffered a pretty bad work accident that broke my leg very badly and resulted in a couple surgeries and over a year stuck on the couch. Again, none of these things have helped my mental state or our relationship.

    Recently, as I've gotten better, I went to visit my family and a few friends out of state at the urging of my therapist. He felt it would give me some perspective to get away on my own for a week or so.

    A very close, female friend of mine had recently gotten out of a long term relationship. I think we've always whether purposefully, or sub consciously, avoided eachother because I think, there's always been something between us.

    I tried to avoid her while I was away, but she was persistent, and I'm an idiot. So I ended up at her house a couple nights while in town. Nothing happened. But a lot was said. I think after all these years, we've said what was on our minds and got out what our friends (and significant others) have seen.

    It's been a couple weeks since I've been home. We've texted a few times, but nothing as serious as those nights.

    The last thing I need is to add to my issues. I'm desperately trying to keep her at arms length now that I'm home.

    I'm certainly not in a place to get divorced, or immediately rebound into another relationship.

    Like I said, maybe just putting some thoughts down and getting some feedback is therapy in its own right.
    I don't know.

    Feel free to chime in with any thoughts/ideas/questions.

    I definitely didn't think at my age, with everything else going wrong, I'd be dumb enough to lump this in. But here I am. I am human after all.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I think that the first step is being honest with yourself. You are not "desperately trying to keep her at arms length" - if you were that would look like "I am married, don't contact me" followed by blocking her number and relevant social media accounts. By continuing to talk to her, you are allowing for the eventuality that you will leave your wife. It is not fair to your wife and, if you don't intend to leave, it is not fair to this other woman either.

    I do not have much by way of advice on the growing apart / separate lives issue - if you have tried counselling and things are not any better, then perhaps you will need to draw a line under your marriage. I think you need to work on deciding what it is that you actually want and acknowledging that you are not trying to keep this woman at arms length nor did you do your best to avoid her - it is not hard to avoid someone, and it is certainly not hard to not spend a couple of nights being essentially unfaithful to your wife (whether anything physical happened or not, emotional stuff DID happen and I assume that you would not tell your wife about it - so it amounts to cheating). I am not judging your choices or actions - only asking you to see them as what they were: choices on your part.

    I hope that you figure out what it is that you want.

    Stay safe,

    2 people like this.
  3. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    Well, I can't say you're wrong.

    While I do think it's slightly more complicated than just cutting my friend/other woman off as we've been friends for years. Longer than I've known my wife. Maybe "keeping her at arms length" was a poor choice of words. She's always sorta been in my life. I guess a better way to put it is I'm trying to put distance between us. I'm probably not doing a very good job.

    I do appreciate the clear, straight forward perspective on the situation.

    I think, more than anything, I'm.... disappointed in myself? I feel like I should be more mature than this. All of it actually. Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, drug use...etc. Even the poor choices that led me to those couple nights at another woman's house.

    And with that, I feel like I start to spiral downward. I isolate, sometimes lash out, cry, and hope for death.

    I guess that's what makes us human. I don't know.

    Am I making any sense here? Maybe I'm just talking in circles to keep myself breathing one more day. I don't know.
  4. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    Mods, feel free to move this to the Relationship sub forum. I didn't realize I posted this in the wrong sub forum.