Married, but it's platonic.

Mishka1204

Well-Known Member
#21
@sunnypseudo at least ypu are still getting engaged i some projects and honestly I am jealous of your talent. I have nothing. Working in financial industry - can life get much more boring than that?!:)

I don't know what to do with my husband. I love him but I dont think im ready to live in celibate. I need to feel wanted. And loved. And i think this is what it is comming down to. Feeling rejected.
I wanted to leave at some point in the past but he said he can't imagine life without me. So i stayed and... nothing changed.

When we do have this rare "encounters" i feel like he is only doing it because he feels obliged. There is no real enjoyment. And I think it makes me feel even worse...

As I said.. I stopped trying :(
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#22
In my entire life I've had only two relationships, and both were strictly platonic. When we separated, there were no hard feelings at all. No resentment at all. I believe the mutual respect was due to the platonic behavior.
 

panicbutton

Well-Known Member
#23
@Mishka1204 thank you, I'm not all that talented just always worked with my hands. At any given time I have at least three projects going. Finance can be pretty complicated, and usually pays well so don't sell yourself short. I haven't had a "respectable " job in almost 12 years and sometimes that bothers me.

Have you tried, or ever have played video games with him? For as much as we give up, it sucks the idea of working harder to spend time with our husbands. Now I was a gamer before we met, and used to play a few different games together all the time. We don't do that so much anymore and that hurts. I have gone out of my way to try to be involved in the projects he likes, working on his motorcycle, weight lifting, or lending a hand when he's working on one of the vehicles. I usually have fun as long as we are doing something together. He also comes and checks out what project I'm working on occasionally and gives feedback while I work which I am appreciative of.

I've been struggling over the idea of celibacy as well since that's Not what I wanted but I have no choice. I wouldn't leave him, I will still.follow him to the ends of the earth. Has your husband been checked for low testosterone out of curiosity?

@Winslow platonic is great when it's mutual. I have no problems with platonic relationships over all I think they are healthy to have, I just don't want to be my husband's platonic partner.
 

Mishka1204

Well-Known Member
#24
@sunnypseudo he hasn't been checked for testosterone no. I don't think he would test it. Again - he can't see any issues and whenever I mention it I think he takes it as a personal attack on his pride.

I really don't like playing games. I tried. But I find it boring and I always have so many other things to do I find difficult to justify just sitting and gaming... he sits on the comp all the time so any sort of fun activities like cleaning, vacuuming etc. belong mostly to me. If I ask hon to do something thoigh, he always does it. But never out of his own initiative. If he could he would play all the time. He says that this is how he relaxes. Which is ok. But it seems like all he is doing is "relaxing". Again if I ask him he does everything without a single complain.

But I hate managing the "household". I make all the decisions. Ehich I find supremely uncomfortable. I think this is the big part of my issues with depression. Oh well. It is what it is, right?
 

panicbutton

Well-Known Member
#25
@Mishka1204 you both work, he should also be helping around the house. Being the only one managing the house hold is not easy, I am very sorry.

Yes! The "relaxing" God I hate that so much. His time is spent relaxing, all of it. When he's not playing a video game he's on his laptop watching hours of YouTube. Before giving up on trying to initiate physical contact he always says he's just trying to relax. Tells me to relax. There are days I look at him and think if he relaxes anymore he's going to grow roots in his man-chair. Now, he does do the vehicle maintenance, goes to all appointments and grocery shopping and mows the yard. But any one of those things are usually no more than once every two weeks.

Ya it is just the way it is. It sucks, it's painful, and it is so confusing, and when not confused (me at least) end up beating myself up over every little thing and blaming myself.
 

Mishka1204

Well-Known Member
#26
With all that realxing he should achieve the state of zen ages ago! Yet he always seems stressed and unhappy. And then he needs to relax again. I think he is unhappy because of all this relaxation:) do you go on holidays together? We only do if I organise it:) we do anything oy if I organise it. And the funny thing is... I hate organising things:)

Oh and even if we go out (last time I told him he should take me out on the date to the restaurant he took me a couple of years ago on the mothers day so... wait for it... he went on the internet and emailed me the link to the page SO THAT I COULD BOOK IT:):):):) I lost all hope back then:)) but even then, he sits on his phone checking news... there cannot be enough news to keep you busy for so long!!!


Or he goes to the toilet for over an hour and sits on his phone.. if he has such a "toilet problems' I think this qualifies at least as a disability:):):)
 
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panicbutton

Well-Known Member
#27
No we don't do holidays. A few times I've tried to make plans to at least do an over night thing somewhere for anniversaries but he always shot it down. We've never had a vacation, we never even had a honeymoon. If I try to make plans to do anything together he shoots it down. And ya zen should be achieved then times over.

If he is upset and stressed, do you have any idea why? When we first moved, he was so much happier at his job and he initiated a few times, but that was five years ago. That alone caught me off guard because we just hadn't been doing anything. That didn't last long unfortunately and 2as sporadic at best before our 8 month dry spell. Even if we do sleep together, it's usually once a couple of months, but this time it's been four moving towards five.

Ya I can see why you gave up though. I gave up on a lot of things over the years, and keep giving up on more. I long for pure apathy.
 

Mishka1204

Well-Known Member
#28
Do you go on holidays with kids then? Or is he?

He is stressed about his work that he doesnt like. But he is not looking for another one. Before that he was "tired". And that was why he didn't sleep with me. Tired. For 5 years! What is he doing at this job?! I thought he was dealing with data not digging wells in Africa!

Five months is a long time. And I've been there too... it's easier to convince him when he has a bit to drink. Two glasses of wine or a beer. I feel rapey then though :) if you know what I mean. I dont want to force him. I want him to want this. To want me.
 

panicbutton

Well-Known Member
#29
No we don't do anything. I don't go anywhere, and unless he's planning on hunting which is a fairly new thing, or going for a motorcycle ride, he doesn't do anything either. We've planned to go fishing several times but we haven't yet. We plan to do things we aren't good at follow through.

Ya the I'm tired of the tired thing too. It may be a hard conversation to start but maybe talking about the testosterone thing might be worth it. The not looking for a different job when he's unhappy where he is has to be frustrating. If his job is so bad that he keeps bringing that stress home he really should find a different job.
 

Mishka1204

Well-Known Member
#30
My phone is dying and I'm on my son's football trainig so nowhere to plug it in but will catch up with you tomorrow :)

For now an honst thank you for talking to me. It helped me a lot. You have no idea:)
 

Mishka1204

Well-Known Member
#32
@sunnypseudo hi. How are you doing?

I'm on my way to work and i am very anxious. O called ib sick yesterday. Just couldn't find the will to go. But need to go as I may have troubles if I start calling in sick whenever I don't want to go there:)

In my case I think there are so many other things than sex is not on the top.of my list. But the frustration is increasing somewhere at the back of my head unnoticed at the beginning.

When we do sleep together... I rarely enjoy it.. i think I'm beyond that point. I thibk that when he was rejecting me first my subconscious figured that to make it less hurtful I will stop being attracted to him. I had to do something to protect myself and.. that was it.. it doesn't work well. I think he doesn't enjoy it either.. i wonder what woukd happen id we went strictly platonic.

I don't know what's best.

I will get on a diet and exercise and see how it goes. I will do it for myself to feel attractive without his "confirmation". I need to like myself a bit more I think.
 

panicbutton

Well-Known Member
#33
Hey @Mishka1204 I am glad you will be working out for you. Doing it for someone else seldom works. When it comes to physical appearance that really should be solely reliant on how you feel as far as making any changes.

I've never been able to shut that off, I still find him very attractive, and when we have been intimate I've always enjoyed it and mostly I think he does too, I think. It might be time to look closer at what else might be going on since you mentioned other issues. The complete lack of physical contact is my only complaint. We have normal mattied-for-12-years issues but they don't really get to me. I might get annoyed for a second (example would be something stupid like leaving cabinets open or throwing close next to the hamper) but when I say minor annoyances I mean very minor. Shake your head, fix it walk away and forget minor.

Shutting down like that is horrible and I'm sorry you've had to do it. I understand it. I just wish I could do the same.
 

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