Married to an asexual

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Lansdman, Sep 12, 2015.

  1. Lansdman

    Lansdman New Member

    So I am married to a woman that has nearly zero desire for sex and the lack of affection controls my depression. I wish I could take some medicine that would make me not care anymore.

    the background: before we were married I told her that I needed to call it off because the quality and quantity in the bedroom was inadaquate. She gave me a sob story (literally sobbing) that it caused her great anxiety when we had sex because her family had told her they would disown her if she ever got knocked up. She assured me that things would change once we were married. Well they didn't. When we finally talked about it she admitted she had lied because she did not think I would marry her. Now she allows me to have sex maybe once a month and its pathetic. She rolls over onto her stomach and lays there silently like some type of rape victim. Half the time I end up pretending to cum. It leaves me feeling ashamed, repulsive and inadaquate. I have offered to go to a therapist and do all of the talking but she has refused. MINDED do not know if her issue is medical (hormones) or mental or sexual orentation. But I suspect medical as she does not even masturbate. I have 2 young kids and have decided this pain is less then the pain I would get from getting a divorce and only seeing my sweethearts 2 weekends a month. But, I'm not sure I can survive 10 years until they are grown up.
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You can try counseling with her and encourage her to get counseling to try t improve things- but sadly you knew was an issue, was lied to , so are at this point that is understandably very frustrating (and to make worse to discuss sounds like you are being unreasonable to many I am sure)/ I do not blame you in the least for being upset and frustrated. Particularly since were lied to- so I would give counseling a try and have a clear conscience about any decision arrived at after that about your participation in this marriage/relationship in the future. Hope you are able to resolve it and find happiness because you deserve it.
  3. Lansdman

    Lansdman New Member

    Thanks for the support. Unfortunately she has refused any counciling. Apparently it's less embarrassing to with get a divorce, spend a decade with somone woe is bitter, resentful or find your husband finally given into his suicidal impulses. As she has no desire she does not understand what an issue this is for me.
    Thauoy and justastrangegirl like this.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for finding yourself in this position but really think you need to do what you need to do to be happy . Intimacy is a part of marriage- it is the only real difference between marriage and good friends - and you can be divorced and good friends and co-parents (speaking from experience- though not sure the first year or two would be classified like that and different issues). Nobody should be forced to give up a large part of a marriage an did was based on deception is not even a case of misunderstanding ot having changed and matured in different ways (though those would still be justifiable in my opinion as well).

    If you are not happy then you are not being the best father or person you can be - it is impossible to be fake everything else well enough to not have stress of a painful situation show its mark in ways. You deserve happiness and really hope the situation changes by whatever means for that to happen. It is unfortunate that your wife does not understand how much she is missing with a complete lack of intimacy- but as said and can tell her- you can still be great friends without intimacy- just not great husband and wife. Hoping the best for you.
  5. Aphorism

    Aphorism Well-Known Member

    Is it possible to talk to her about being in a more open relationship? It is not unheard of for married couples to be swingers. Since there is a certain level of physical intimacy she can not give you - would she be opposed to allowing you to seek it out elsewhere? Of course in this situation, communication is key. But I have definitely heard of and seen couples make this arrangement work.

    Otherwise, as other posters have suggested, if she refuses to seek and therapist and is actively unwilling to make a compromise, then you may need to consider at least separating. Maybe talk to her about how you feel that your lack of sexual relationship has made you feel very inadequate, but that your relationship with your children is your priority.