Mask came off; Relationship ended in a terrible disaster...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by BeeGee88, Jan 22, 2014.

  1. BeeGee88

    BeeGee88 Member

    I'm new to this forum mainly because I don't have any family or friends that are there for me and I feel left alone and abandoned with all this pain and even though I understand most things in my head and know what would be best for me to do but my heart still asks "Why..." and I don't know how to deal with my life anymore. I have quite a long story to share and I hope someone can bare to listen...

    It's crazy but I used to play a game online some years ago and started talking to this man that I've met on there. We had a mutual friend and she introduced him to me. He seemed nice and we kept talking. We skyped and messaged us via Yahoo messenger on our phones, he'd call me every single day several times and we'd talk for hours till we both decided to meet each other in real life half a year later. Everything went great. Him being an "over the road trucker" at the time, I flew to Atlanta where he picked me up. I traveled around the states with him while working and we had a great time. I've been with him on the road for two months but I had to go back home...We were really sad and both crying but we decided we'd make something out of it. We wanted to continue this relationship. He proposed to me (I know...early) with a ring but it was more of a promise that he'd wait and do everything so we could be together. I'm from Germany by the way...which made everything more complicated...time past and we kept talking on the phone every single day and spend as much time together as possible. We planned our life together and 1 year and 2 months later I returned to him but this time I'd not have to leave him anymore. Sounds good, right? I came back in May 2013 and we got our first apartment together and I take care of him as good as possible, leaving him with no worries but going to work and taking care of our bills. We were doing fine. Went out to do exciting things on his day off. Showed me all kinds of things and just spent our time happily together. But all that changed, not even a year of being here...I don't have a drivers license and I don't have a car. I'm at home all day, by myself, not allowed to talk to his family who know me because he doesn't want them to know what is going on in his life...We never go out anymore. He is not sweet to me anymore. We don't even fight but if I say anything at all, he considers it as arguing and makes him not want to deal with me at all anymore. I came back because we planned on getting married and all that fun stuff. But he kept procrastinating and we couldn't afford to apply for my paperwork because our cars kept breaking and we had to buy new ones. He said we would wait till it's tax time and take care of everything then...The problem is, and I made that clear to him...that because of all that I have overstayed my legal entry and my Visa and I can get in all kinds of trouble because of it. It makes me worry and he never understood...he just kept saying I had no worries in the world and he'd take of me even if he had to hide me. (He said that jokingly...). But of course it's not what I wanted. But I was willing to wait, after all...what else could I do. Things got worse as time passed. He controls and manipulates me in every aspect and doesn't care about my feelings or that he hurts me. I found out that he used to keep all those women that he used to talk to, wanting to get attention and calling them "his slave girls"...or the fact that he has endless accounts on dating websites and webcam sites...or that he has a married swinger couple that he used to go to, to fuck this "sexy ass blonde" just because he can...or get a blowjob from one of his friends that I went Christmas shopping with. He used to be so gentle and loving with me and now he just acts selfish and ignorant towards me. And it's not like I am a bad girlfriend. I do everything for him, give him all of my attention and love. But it's never enough and never good enough for him. He says he really loves me but how can he claim to love me with all that? How can someone claim to love a person but not care about that persons feelings. It doesn't make sense to me. He agreed and was excited for me to come back and spend our lives together but he knew how I was and that I'm not that kind of person for a swinger or polyamorous relationship and yet he let me come. And now I feel like he pushes me down, knowing I am stuck and keeps telling me to either adjust or leave...It breaks my heart that he is that way to me, that there is no compromise at all. It's just what he wants or I can go. I don't matter to him and he says that too. That nothing matters in life and that I'm easily replaceable...I can't even say anything anymore because he won't listen. I cry out of pain and a broken heart and he doesn't care, doesn't want to hear and see it. I am too opinionated and think about what is morally right in my mind...according to him. I am not stuck up...I just wanted him to respect me and be faithful. Is that too much to ask for?! He started being violent and abused me just because I spoke my mind and got things off my chest. He beat me, slapped me in the face and threw me on the floor several times. He choked me 4 times and I passed out twice...I have to fear for my life for literally nothing...I don't understand how a person can be this way. If I'd have known how he is, I wouldn't have bothered and stayed away from him. But he made me fall in love with him and all those lies and illusions that made me hope and believe and something we could have together. And the worst part is that he built me up and strengthened me in the past and everything is shattered into pieces now. And it is the same person. He changed so much, I can't even recognize him anymore. I love him...but everything I loved about him has vanished and left is a person I don't know, don't deserve. Who treats me like shit even though I am good to him. He never cared to please me sexually but he wants other women? How does that make sense. He never complains about our sex-life...He says it's great. But he still flirts with every woman he meets and tells me openly that he has 8 other women that want to date him right now. He is rude and hurts me on purpose by saying those things. Like kicking me even though I'm already crawling on the floor. And it never stops. He makes me jealous of other women instead of making them jealous of me and then complains that I am jealous and feeling hurt. He looks at women and gives them compliments and I am just the complete opposite look-wise to what he likes and I never get compliments anymore. I am nice and sweet to him and even though things seemed fine he crashes onto me, saying he's not happy. I know we are not like-minded people but he knew that. Why did he have to put me through so much pain and heart break if he knew I wasn't compatible with him. Now I am a Visa overstayer, have no money, no family or friends that I could go to, no home or any place to return back to and he wants to get rid of me. He just hates me and it's beyond me. I don't know what to do or where to go. I don't deserve this but it hurts so much to love a person and care about someone that much and you get nothing in return anymore. When things change to something so bad and you would have never imagined it to become like this and all you can do is accept the fact that everything turned into shit because it's more important to him to fuck around and have many women and cheat on the one person that loves him and is there for him. Because I know, no matter who he is with, they will be gone sooner or later. I feel stuck and helpless and abandoned and left alone, expecting me to deal with all this on my own and I just feel like I can't. I fear for my life and future and safety and I don't want to get in trouble, or more trouble than I'm already in. Why do people have such a rotten behavior? To a point I feel like just <mod edit - methods> and committing suicide and I am not just saying this. I was suicidal over 10 years ago already because my father used to be abusive too and I was too scared of pain to get through with it. I kept believing that things would get better but they never did. I run from one disaster to another and it just never stops or changes, no matter how hard I try to make things better. Why do I deserve this? I just don't have any hope left in me. I just want to stop existing, so all the pain and hurting stops because I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of living and I was never happy and depressed for as long as I can think. I have trust issues and he ruined the little strong part in me that I had left to go through life. Any advice? And please don't just write "leave him...". I know he is not a good man and there are plenty of other fish in the sea. But the fact is that right now...I am not interested in other fish. I love him and I just want to understand why he is the way he is. And how to move on from this, my current, very shitty situation given. Maybe I should add that I am in my mid-late twenties and he is in his late thirties but age difference never seemed to be an issue since we used to get along great and have similar interests...

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2014
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the very difficult place you have found yourself in. You really need to get out of that situation as it does not sound healthy or safe. The visa issue is going to continue to be a problem and just get worse so that really needs to be taken care of as well. I would recommend calling a womens shelter and explaining the situation to them and they will be able to help you get away from him and find the contacts you need to either correct the visa situation by extending it or getting back to Germany without getting arrested in the process. I would suggest contacting the German consulate here in the US as well for assistance in extricating yourself from this situation.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HE IS THE WAY he is because he is a USER an abuser ok he cares about NO ONE but himself and he will NOT change
    You can reports him he has obviously harmed so many others the way he has harmed you YOu do not love him he has manipulated you into thinking your feelings for him are love. He has no feelings for you ok he cares about no one
    YOU deserve to be loved by someone that can return that compassion. Hell you are in your 20s so much life ahead of you
    You call a womens shelter ok you go there and they will give you the skills the knowledge to people that abuse like him and they will help you move away from this abuse into a safe place
  4. BeeGee88

    BeeGee88 Member

    Thank you both for your fast answer. I knew that I had to get away from it, women's shelter it is then. It's just...difficult to listen to what your head says when your heart tells you something else. I think I am just too scared of what is ahead of me and it blocked me admitting my situation and what needs to be done. I just regret everything because all those problems that I have to face now are because I trusted him and it could have been prevented...It's difficult to step away from the only person that is in your life and plays a major part of it too. I am not saying that changes have to be a bad thing but not knowing what is going to happen with me gives me great anxiety.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun the changes that will happen will have to be more positive ok you deserve so much more There are so many predators out there hun looking for young vulnerable people to take advantage of I hope you do just pick up now and go to womens shelter and let them know how he lured you here and they will HELP you with calling who ever you need to call ok to get things right Keep us updated ok let us know how youare doing
  6. BeeGee88

    BeeGee88 Member

    Ok, I'll try to update as soon as I can. Am sure I won't have internet access for quite a while...Anyways, thanks for listening and answering me. Even though I knew about it, I guess I just needed someone to tell me that it's the only way.
  7. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I think you are being very brave, I’m happy you’ve decided to take control of your life and get away from him. Some people never gain that strength.
    You deserve SO much better.
    All the best to you, I hope it goes well and that you can find people and friends to guide you through this, both on this site and irl.
  8. BeeGee88

    BeeGee88 Member

    Yes, even I have to admit that I don't know if I am strong enough. I have it in my mind but I am also...really, really scared. Mainly because I am all by myself. I never imagined myself to be kind of illegal, homeless and everything. I know that I don't deserve this but some part in me still just wished things would be different. Then I ask myself "Why does it always have to be this way...why can't it turn out to be good...just why..." But I couldn't quite find an answer to it yet, other than that people just are how they are and we can't change or control them.